stardust

2007-12-09T19:51:00.001+08:00

All I wish for is that all of you be truthful to me. I don't give a qualm about you dating because ultimately, we are growing up and this is all part of it. But it hurts me to know that you are deliberately hiding it from me and as someone whom you used to call as bestie/good friend, I think you are betraying this trust that we have. The more I think about it, the more disappointed and upset I become. Honestly, the worst reaction you can get from me is, "Have you prayed about it?" If you have and you think that you are doing the right thing, then by all means.

But because of the way you are acting all so seedy about it, it makes me wonder even more if you are doing the right thing. I am in no position to judge since you choose not to tell me anything. Let me tell you, I am not the only one hurting here. There are others who are hurt by your actions. We would want to hear it straight from you and not be one of those who just hears it from somewhere else. If this is your definition of how a friend should behave, then I really got nothing more to say.

The feeling is overwhelming whenever I am tired or whenever I have the time alone to think about what is happening in my life. I hate the superficiality of the world and how it has crept into the relationships that mean so much to me. Even people whom I used to think that are the ones that the friendships we have will never fade but instead go stronger through the years are disappointing me. It feels like these seven years of friendship mean nothing to the both of you. It's sad.

Yet, I don't know how to tell you all these face to face because I honestly think that I will be throwing a fit because I am jealous. I don't care if you're dating or not, just don't hurt the people around you. Friends are feeling neglected, it's affecting their lives not just yours. If you've made the promise that there will no longer be secrets among us, then keep to it.

It's even worse that we are all serving together. I actually think that because of all these problems and how superficial we have all become, we cannot function as the Core anymore and very soon, YZ will not become a priority in our lives. People will just come for the sake of coming. How on earth are we to lead when in the first place, we are not doing the things that we are telling the rest to do? How can we live a life that is an example for the younger ones to look up to us to? We said we want to lead by action and not mere words alone, are we doing that?

Think about it. We need to sort things out.

2007-11-18T20:44:00.000+08:00

It is just unfortunate that the superficiality of the world has crept into the walls of the church. What I thought I would only experience in the harsh reality of the media industry and the world, I now feel it with the people that mean a lot to me.

Friendships that I thought would withstand the passage of time, somehow because of the decisions that has been made, things are now so superficial. Words that have been exchanged seem to have been forgotten and promises that have been made like glass have been broken.

I am comforted to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Yet, nothing more can be said to describe the feelings I have swirling around in my head and heart. I honestly don't want to lead a double life or being superficial. It's not a nice feeling doing so.

2007-11-08T15:38:00.001+08:00

If you want to find out things for YOUR friend, please do not ask me anymore. Please stop treating me like a three-year old kid. I have eyes to see and ears to hear. The way things are going is just going to drive me even further away from all of you. So, if you do not appreciate the years of friendship that we have, the things that I have helped you with, then by all means.

Anyway as I said, I'm gonna leave. Gonna go once things are settled. I don't belong in this community anymore. If you think I'm throwing a sissy fit, then too bad. Because honestly, this friendship we all share have just dwindled down to no where. Everything seems superficial.

2007-11-05T21:50:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna leave. I don't belong anymore. Gonna go once things are settled.

2007-11-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

One word to describe the week = SHIT. The deadlines are driving me insane. Everything is driving me insane. All I want is a GOOD break. I want to run away and not have anything bothering me anymore.

I am super disgusted that as a friend you choose not to tell me anything. It's okay because I want to respect your privacy and the right you have not to tell me anything. Yet, I am disgusted because you choose to behave in this way that I cannot understand. You hear but don't listen. In fact, I think that is the case of most people. You hear but not listen.

2007-11-01T17:56:00.000+08:00

Life makes a sport of all of us one time or another. Things never go the way we want them to and somehow, when things don't go our way, it happens at the worst possible time. When you think that by making some decisions to move on from where you are , to start piecing pieces back together, you end up having more pieces fall apart, more questions unanswered.

Life sux.

2007-10-31T01:19:00.000+08:00

You've hurt me deeply but you just don't know. I wish to tell you the truth but you hold me back. Give me the chance to speak my mind so that you would finally know how I feel.

Everything is driving me insane. I know that there are people out there who are facing greater problems than I am but I really cannot deal with mine. I wish I could just disintegrate and blend into the soil, not facing the world again.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being me.

2007-10-28T19:20:00.000+08:00

The superficiality of the world has just seeped into all the friendships that I thought was once important to all of us. The trust, the sense of belonging and the love we all had for each other has vanished into thin air and i don't know what to make of it anymore.

For the first time after 3 years, I really feel so lousy about myself that all I could think of was to run away and say goodbye eternally to all of you. To those who have been telling me that I can pull through these tough times, I thank you for your faith in me. However, I am too tired to try anymore.

For those whom I thought were my closest pals, I don't know what to make up of how I am feeling about things. I just wonder are we still the people we used to be? Are we the friends that were once so close to each other that I know I can run to you whenever I am in trouble? Are we still real to each other or hiding things from each other?

To you, each day I long to talk to you on msn. Each day I hope for the time for us to actually meet up and hang out again. I know that you have someone else in mind but each time, I long to tell you how I really feel. The agony of living behind a mask is hard but I guess, if you would be happier this way and I won't lose you as a friend, I don't mind donning this mask as long as it takes.

Give me the strength, the hope and miracle in life to carry on.

2007-10-28T00:04:00.000+08:00

This is absolutely true. I just did it.

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

2007-10-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to react whenever u tell me that you're thinking of her. I feel like each time I hear you say it, my heart further breaks into pieces. I'm trying to not let what you say affect me and I want to be able to tell you all the best with her should you ever get together. Yet, I still can't help but want to tell you that I really wanna be with you.

When one thing goes wrong, naturally it seems like one thing will go wrong one after another. Why God? Why me? Why now? This is more than I can take.

I love you and I can't deny that anymore.

2007-10-25T21:22:00.000+08:00

I guess what I am feeling is nothing new. I guess I am just so distant from all of you that I no longer am that important. Be it friends from school or church, it's all the same. I'm sorry that I am no longer that close to all of you because it seems like I am miles apart from all of you. I'm sorry that I am so different. I am sorry that I cannot be that friend I long to be.

Maybe it's better that I am alone. All of us have our own lives to lead anyway. I am sorry for being this way and that I am not the friend all of you want me to be.

I am sorry that I am not that leader all of you expect me to be. I am sorry that I am not a good DGL nor am I a good CORE group member. I am sorry for everything.

2007-10-24T12:29:00.000+08:00

It's ironic that now that I am back in school, I just can't wait for it to end. The more I go for classes and hear the impending projects that we have to do and complete, all the deadlines, they are scaring me away. Yet, I like the challenge I have ahead of me to conquer all these projects and hopefully do very well in school that I can go to uni next year.

The plans ahead for myself are so uncertain that I don't know what would become of me. Honestly, this planning for university is something that is weighing so heavily on my mind that it's starting to cause me be stressed up. With everyone asking me what I want to do after I graduate, where do I plan to further my studies and what major I want to take, I wonder how on earth I would last long enough to answer all these questions. I know that it's causing me unnecessary stress but I don't know how not to think of it anymore.

These past few days, I have been such that I don't know what is going to become of me. All I have been thinking about is running away. Running away from all the responsibilities that I have, run away from reality. Maybe I haven't had enough time to rest because after SIP I got back into the swing of things and started working.

Ministry, school, work, driving, family and friends. I wonder where on earth am I going to find so much time. I know this is a personal choice and I can choose to drop one. Sometimes I wish that I don't have to worry about finances and go ahead with some of the plans that I have. Yet, I cannot be selfish and constantly think of myself.

I shared this prayer request with my DGL telling her that I am so weary, so disheartened. I don't know if all the effort I am going to put in to school would get me anywhere. Yet, God promised in the bible that He knows the plans for us, plans to prosper and not to harm us. He will pave the way even if we cannot see it now. I am trying so hard to cling on to these promises.

Lord, I want to lay everything at Your feet. Help me. Restore me.

2007-10-22T23:05:00.000+08:00

My life is nothing but bullocks at the moment. I cannot say what I feel nor do what I wish to do. How on earth am I suppose to continue living like that? I want to tell you every single thing. Why is it that you cannot sense that I have something to say? Are you running away like I think I am? I can't even go on a simple holiday.

Please, all I am begging is that all of you don't look to me anymore. Don't look to me to make your decisions. I cannot handle it anymore. I feel so tired struggling with so much. My words no longer can come out of my mouth, they just reside in my mind and heart.

2007-10-18T22:34:00.001+08:00

I Cry
Westlife

You said goodbye
I fell apart
I fell from all we had
To I never knew
I needed you so bad

You need to let things go
I know, you told me so
I've been through hell
To break the spell

Why did I ever let you slip away
Can't stand another day without you
Without the feeling
I once knew

I cry silently
I cry inside of me
I cry hopelessly
Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again
I cry
Cause you're not here with me
Cause I'm lonely as can be
I cry hopelessly
Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If you could see me now
You would know just how
How hard I try
Not to wonder why

I wish I could believe in something new
Oh please somebody tell me it's not true (oh girl)
I'll never be over you

Why did I ever let you slip away
Can't stand another day without you
Without the feeling
I once knew

I cry silently
I cry inside of me
I cry hopelessly
Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again
I cry
Cause you're not here with me
Cause I'm lonely as can be
I cry hopelessly
Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

If I could have you back tomorrow
If I could lose the pain and sorrow
I would do just anything
To make you see, still love me

I cry silently
I cry inside of me
I cry hopelessly
I cry silently
I cry inside of me
I cry hopelessly
Cause you're not here with me
I cry
Cause I'm lonely as can be
I cry hopelessly
Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again

2007-10-17T22:01:00.000+08:00

Hero Heroine
Boys Like Girls

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you can get in line
But not this time

Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

Hero / Heroine Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com
You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

2007-10-17T00:49:00.000+08:00

honestly, can i just tell you how much i want you to know how i feel?

2007-10-16T20:47:00.000+08:00

When you feel like the world is crashing down on your shoulders, when you feel like you have no more steam to deal with all the shit, somehow you find the inner strength to carry on living. I must say that the past week have been difficult to deal with but I'm surviving.

Much as my heart and my head is telling me the same thing to come clean with how I am feeling I can't help but keep thinking of the party on the receiving end and how I would be adding pressure. Honestly, I don't want that to happen but the silence is killing me. I need to move on.

I need to pray that I will get better.

School is starting next week and I haven't gotten my timetable which is so annoying. I want it now so that I can plan my life for the next few months. I don't care that it's my last semester but I have so many things to think about now. My next step, getting things done before I graduate and just piecing everything together. Honestly, stop just stop asking me to cast aside my plans. I have my own life. Let me deal with it.

2007-10-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today, I felt like my heart has been torn out. I have no idea why but yes, the pain is getting harder to bear each day. I keep trying so hard to take it that nothing has happened, to not add to your problems. At this moment, I wish I have a heart of stone.

2007-10-10T00:27:00.001+08:00

I think I deserve an Oscar. I'm concealing everything well enough not for you to realise that it's you that has caused me to be heartbroken.

2007-10-08T09:50:00.000+08:00

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

2007-10-08T08:43:00.000+08:00

I can only imagine and kick myself for all the things I did not do. I've been trying to search for the right words to say to him, to tell him how I feel. It may all be too late but can't it not be a form of therapy to finally get it out of my system and try to work from there?

It's time I wonder if my convictions are right, holding back, not giving too much information and wait for things to happen. Should I have followed what the world says that it's the 21st century and make the first move? Fight for what you want. That's what the world says. It says that if you want to be love, you fight to be loved. You go tell the person in the face that you love him. Then there is the Christian perspective of things.

Da ge always remind me that as a firl, I should never ever make the first move. My friends and I feel the same way because if I do make the first move, would it not mean that I would be losing something so precious. Yes, I know that it's conservative of us to think this way but I think that what we believe in holds so much conviction.

As I count my loses, I wonder how long more would I have to endure of this. I always thought that something good would have happened between us. I always thought that by giving each other the space and time needed, we would be mature about it. However, when you chose to drop that bombshell last night, all I could hear was the sound of my heart breaking into the pieces that was all so familiar. What was once held together had decided to drop and up to me to piece it again.

I don't look for another person to help me mend this heart. All I want to do is for me to be able to tell you what I really feel and somehow wish for something good to come out of it. People out there may be saying that I am stupid. Stupid for wanting to set the record straight. Stupid for maybe wanting to do something that will salvage a situation.

I just want you to know that you don't know how much you mean to me. Even though we were never together, the feelings I have I don't deny. I just wish we had that chance, to know that even something good could have happened at least for once after all these while.

2007-10-07T00:03:00.000+08:00

I suddenly feel I don't matter anymore. Maybe I'm just better off invisible, then hopefully you will start taking notice of me.

2007-10-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

What is the definition of a friend? Someone that gives in to the whims and fancies of their "friends" when it happens? Someone that offers that ear and shoulder whenever needed? Someone that allows oneself to be beaten when the other party is hurt/angry?Someone that tolerates all sorts of nonsense and puts the friends before oneself? What is the true definition of a friend?

I honour friendships that are truthful, where there are no lies between them. This doesn't mean that we tell each other everything but it just means that we are our true selves and not live behind a persona. A friend is someone who cares - doesn't have to say anything but just be there when a friend is needed. A friend is someone who speaks the truth, to help build the person up in love and doesn't use words to bring the other person down. A friend is someone who sometimes have their own tolerance level toward things and might just flare up but the other party still cares and doesn't pick a fight.

That is my definition of a friendship. Sometimes words don't have to be exchanged to make another person feel better, the presence is all that is needed. Sometimes, we just need to think about the other person and how the person is feeling before saying things without thinking.

2007-10-03T22:27:00.000+08:00

IT"S OVER! I'm probably late in saying this because SIP ended about 5 days ago. Been kept busy going out and gyming. I feel good working out! Anyway a friend sent me this vid from youtube. Check it out and let me know what you think about it.

2007-09-25T22:46:00.001+08:00

Voice of Truth
Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do
To have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

but the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
i will soar with the wings of eagles
when i stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Causes Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you........

2007-09-22T09:21:00.000+08:00

It's been a rough night as I struggled with the stress of having to move. The pressure keeps mounting as the days pass because everyone is eager for me to move out of my comfort zone and jump into things at the new place. All of a sudden, it seems like all eyes are on me again.

I know that there are bigger problems out there and what I am facing is probably the least than what other people are facing. Yet, this mounting pressure is driving me away, driving me away from coming home and having this conversation over and over and over again.

Why is it that people just can't give me the space and the time i really require? JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!

2007-09-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

Finally I understand how my friends feel whenever I have no time for them. The feeling actually sux so bad that all I could do was just cry at my desk silently. I just long for the time that I can be like a normal teenager without all the added responsibilities. There are times that I just wish I can enjoy my weekends just like everyone else and not feel so busy on both Saturdays and Sundays. It's really tiring.

It has come to a point where I feel that Friday nights have become the only weekend that I can truly enjoy of course that would change when SIP ends. Yet how true can it be that I only have one day of my weekend to try to meet up with people and chill?

Honestly, I've grown weary. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with this from time to time. I know that there are people who are worst off than me but you know when you're just feeling so shitty, nothing matters anymore.

I'm sorry to all of you who have to go through the pain of me rejecting you all the time because I simply don't have time for you. I will try my best to make things better.

2007-09-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

I'm never sure of what I can make out of what is happening in my life at this present moment. It's ironic that I was once sure of what I could say about how I was feeling and how everything that is happening around me was affecting me but now, everything seems to be a blur.

As time passes and I wonder more about stuff, I keep asking myself over and over again what do I exactly want in life. Planning the next step in life is not easy because I am really filled with uncertainty. Much as I want to go to university and do social science, it may not be in God's plan for me. Honestly, I very much would want to say that into God's hands I commit everything to Him, choosing to submit to every thing that He has planned for me. It's difficult because it's in our human nature to wants what the world wants as well.

That aside, the peer pressure around me is mounting. I don't know how to pen it down in words but yes, I do feel a certain amount of pressure with regards to some issues. Issues which should not be important at this point in time.

Pressure about me moving on to another place is also mounting. There are things that are holding me back and if it weren't for the issues that are pressing me to move, I wouldn't want to. It's quite depressing to actually think about it now because I don't know but I feel like I will be giving up a lot when I move and leaving my comfort zone is something that requires a big step of faith.

This has been the one thing that really bogs me. If anything, I just wish life wasn't this hard.

2007-09-03T22:57:00.000+08:00

The last weekend had been one that was filled with excitement, much thought and reflection. It's hard being a leader, a servant leader. It's even harder being a friend. A friend that constantly cares, who is constantly there to lend the ear, the shoulder to lean on. It is even harder when you know that it is in our calling to create an environment that is loving and warm just like a big family.

Mistakes are constantly being made as we try to make things for the better. Even between the people that you would expect to be very close have our friction and well, sometimes even being distant from each other. Inevitably, there are also times when we cannot share things with one another because we do not feel that bond or we are simply not comfortable sharing. Yet, these are the times that we hurt the people around us the most because we seem like we are leaving them out of the loop.

I am guilty of that too. It's hard to tell everyone everything. There are times where I just feel like bottling everything up and not share for the fact that I don't want people to feel less important because I don't tell them what is happening at this point in time. To those whom I have hurt with my actions, I sincerely apologize and seek for your forgiveness.

Let us try to be mindful of the people around us and how the feel. Let us break all barriers and share our feelings with each other that are close to our hearts openly. Ultimately, we should learn not to judge for we are answerable to God and not man.

2007-08-31T00:20:00.000+08:00

She tread home with her heart skipping in tandem with each step she took. She looked up into the sky and all she saw was the full moon and sky filled with stars. At that moment, her heart stopped skipping and marveled at the sight, praying so hard that he was with her to see this together.

Finally the end of the week has come once again and well this weekend would be one that is really packed with the retreat. Not that I'm complaining just that there is a lot that will be happening. Somehow I leave the retreat each time feeling more drained than refreshed. I hope that this year we would see a refreshing change and ideas being exchanged.

Work is just as normal as it can get. There's nothing more that I can contribute to the company given the amount of chances that I have been given. Honestly, I wish that no one else has to go through what I'm going through. Wasting 24 weeks of your life is just draining. I swear, by the end of this 24 weeks, my brain cells would have diminished and I would be functioning at a really slow pace.

I wished that it was my holidays already. There are so many activities that I want to do, so many places that I want to go. I want to go to the zoo, then there is Sentosa. Plus wanting to do the long awaited movie marathon. I want to be able to sit down somewhere to read, chill and relax. Not to have to stress over things that are happening. I'm seriously yearning for a good holiday.

My mind, body and soul are thirsting for a change. I need a change in my lifestyle, schedule, EVERYTHING.

2007-08-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

It's another five weeks before the nightmare comes to an end. I wonder how long more I can endure all these. I know I've survived for so long just that when I sat in office today, I thought I was going to pull my hair out from the boredom. I absolutely cannot endure boredom. I need things to keep me occupied. Whether is it reading or watching movies, I JUST NEED TO BE OCCUPIED.

I foresee a long week ahead. I don't know but I've been so physically tired that I can't really function as well in the evenings anymore. On weekends, all I want to do is to rest at home and not have any activities. Though I can't really stand being at home so often but yea, I just want to be able to sleep in and then wake up when the sun is shinning before going about the notions of the day.

There's this bug going around in the office. Most of us felt sick today but we stuck it out and stayed the entire day even though there was nothing much to do. Oh wells.

They started of at the same point with one walking faster than the other. Yet when the faster party started to slow down and retraced the steps that she took, he suddenly sped up. She wondered if he was trying to say something to her. However, she knows, to just take things as they come. Never again will she sprint and move forward.

2007-08-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

My mood has probably improved considerably over the past week though I still feel at times that the weight of the world is crumbling down on my shoulders.

Went to watch fireworks on Friday and Saturday evening. Well it was a nice experience. (: Fireworks never fail to try to cheer me up whenever I am feeling down. Though it may not have been as fantastic as the one I watched last year, I am glad I went down to watch.

That's all for now.

2007-08-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

As she opened her eyes to see and her ears to listen, whatever that is left of her heart to feel, she saw the answers to all her unanswered questions before her very eyes. She knew that she had to step away from everything to let them feel their happiness and their warm embrace. She never could really understood why he had chosen to be so close to her while waiting for the other person to finally reciprocate his feelings. Maybe if she chose to put herself in his shoes, it would only serve to make the pain even more excruciating. She cannot look at the both of them in their eyes, for fear that they would notice the pain that she's going through. In the silence of her heart, she can only wish for the best. It doesn't matter how many tears had fallen from her eyes, as long as she knows that they are happy.

For those of you who are wondering what is happening to me and why I was crying in church, all I can tell you is that at the end of the day, I just hope that my life turns out fine. The fighter in me has finally thrown in the towel. I have no more emotional, mental and physical capability to fight the battles that I've been thrown into. Every morning I ask myself why is there so much shit that I have to go through?

I am trying to find that fighting spirit back. I'm just sad that things are never the same as before. I've really never felt so alone, feeling my way in the dark. I know that this is the battle I have to fight alone, yet it seems like all of you have just walked away. I don't know anymore if anyone cares.

I feel like I'm back to the times that I lead my double life. Searing pain is felt inside yet on the surface, I look fine and normal. Those days were hard but now, it's even harder. Lives have been changed. Tears have been lost. Yet, the questions in me still remain.

2007-08-11T21:49:00.001+08:00

eudora --

[noun]:

A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

2007-08-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

The past few days haven't been the best of days. I cannot fully comprehend what has happened in my life a week ago. I cannot understand why God chooses the most awkward of times to let bad shit happen. I don't know why I feel like I'm treading a path that doesn't allow me to bring someone with me. I just feel alone.

Maybe in my subconscious I do know what is bothering me, maybe I don't. Maybe I choose not to admit to the reality of the situation post before me, choosing the path of blind ignorance instead. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yet, how true can that statement be when I feel so tormented inside. I wish I can explain this nagging pain, anguish and listlessness, but I cannot.

What am I hoping for? What do I want to achieve? Who is it that is bothering the crap out of me? Will that idiot ever be punished for changing the lives of my family forever? Will he ever be brought to justice and pay us back for ever single shit that he has caused us to go through?

Many of you would think that I should be rejoicing that I am even alive. I was until I started going on this downhill journey of not knowing what is really bothering me. These past few months have been so overwhelming with emotional turmoil that I thought I would be left void and numb. I was wrong.

In the deepest of the crevices of my heart, I sincerely not sure what am I hoping for. My genuine outlook of life just tells me, maybe it would have been better for me to have gone up to heaven on that day. I should be cherishing every single moment that I have now - the breath of life that was so freely given to me when it could have been taken away. Yet, my heartache is driving me insane. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS CAUSING ME TO FALL SO DOWN AND DEEP AGAIN?

Going back to school today was different. We have all grown so apart from each other except for those who actually work together in the same company or made travel plans together. I am standing even further away as compared to the times that we had spent in school. I just learn to keep silent and believe that I'm not an outsider.

If you can actually jump into my head and tell me what am I thinking, who I really am, I would gladly appreciate you doing that. The torment and pain is simply excruciating.

2007-08-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

Will You Still Love Tomorrow
Amy Winehouse

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

2007-08-09T20:44:00.001+08:00

So last night was Seasons of Life and well, I'm glad for the outcome though we still need to go through the evaluation forms. God has definitely showed His sovereignty through this event by holding up the weather till we completed the last stop. Even though we couldn't get to see the sunrise during the message, at least they finished the task and got to experience what we wanted them to.

I don't know but today really doesn't seem like a good day at all.

2007-08-07T22:31:00.000+08:00

I'm thankful that I am even writing this post now. On my way home on Sunday evening from my aunt's place, my family and I got involved in a car accident. It was serious because my dad's car has become a total wreck and well, it's a new car so I guess we won't have a car any time soon again.

Well, to cut the long story short, the other driver had come straight at my dad's car at a high speed and then my mum got into shock while I hit my face and suffered from whip leash. We were brought to the hospital in an ambulance and it was definitely the most traumatic experience. I am still recovering from the shock and of course the injuries sustained. I have a fear each time I have to get out of the house now. After almost losing my life, you really realize how important your life is. All problems I face seem to be so minute as compared to the reality of losing my life.

I guess when everything happened, I really thought I was going to die. With the impact and everything, if you were in my position you would have thought the same thing. When I was in the hospital alone, I wish someone was there to tell me that everything would be okay.

Whatever it is, I am thankful to be still alive.

2007-08-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

This entire week would have been the most trying of the lot since I've started working. The juggling of every little detail from church to my own life to work is really tough and just when you thought that you have juggled everything well, everything crumble into pieces right before your very eyes.

Having to deal with the feelings of going to a place that you don't feel welcomed in is hard enough but when the people there start turning their backs on you, the feeling becomes so intense that you want to do something drastic. In my case, it almost means throwing in the towel, quitting and then fail my entire course in poly. It may be stupid in this case but I'm so exhausted trying to please everyone only to have them turn around and say that I've not been doing things that I have been. If you know me well enough, I hate to earn money and not be doing anything in the office that deserves me earning so much. Hence, when I have nothing to do, I would constantly ask for work until I guess people would think that I am irritating. Yet, I've been accused of not taking the initiative to ask for work and they think that I am under performing. But I ask myself, how can I be performing if I am not given enough opportunities to showcase myself? I don't want to deal with all these anymore. Just let the last 8 weeks fly by so quickly.

I wish I had that special remote in the show, Click!. I don't care if I would be missing out on a lot of things because I choose to fast forward and go past this internship period. I just want it to be over! I know I am not a quitter but a fighter, yet, I think I've tried hard enough. No more energy to fight with emotions that overwhelm me everyday.

On hindsight, this week was also one that was rather exciting with Mids Underway and sending Jon off at the naval base. It was a fun time when we headed down for underway in town and meeting up with his friends who were really friendly and funny. I had a good time laughing at all the jokes. Definitely a good way to unwind from everything that is happening. Sending Jon off was really weird because we were there with his parents. Good thing they were friendly too so there weren't any awkward silences between all of us. 6 weeks will pass really fast I suppose.

Seasons of life this coming week. BUSY BUSY BUSY. I rather be busy about church than with anything else. Just praying very hard that more kids will sign up in the next few days so that we can hit our target.

Oh wells, get me through the next 8 weeks.

"Infatuation"

Baby, I don’t want to spend my life on trial
For something that I did not do
And maybe if you stopped and looked around some time
I wouldn’t pass right by you

Maybe it’s because you are so insecure
Maybe your pain don’t care
Maybe it’s the chase that really gets me off
I fall so when it’s just not there

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

Try to put my finger on what burns me up
It always seems to escape me
And when you have decided that you’ve had enough
Just tell me where I need to be

Now her face is something that I never had
To ever deal with before
She left me with the feeling that she’d had enough
And I’m the one wanting more

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
And I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

I’m so attracted to you
The feeling’s mutual too
And I get scared the moment you leave
Get so hot I forget to breathe, yeah

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Yeah… (I want it…)

2007-07-30T21:23:00.000+08:00

What a way to start a brand new week. A week that I thought things would finally get better and I would suddenly find a new found love for my internship. It was not meant to be and honestly speaking, I don't know how long more I can handle.

I always thought that things would look up after a down period. I thought I was past the horrible period when I finally got my freelance job. Yet, I am proven wrong again. I don't know how to survive at my new workstation that serves the entire staff of the office. It's really like whenever they need to use my computer, I have to vacate my seat and let them use it, causing me to stall in my work. Of course there isn't much work to begin with but it just feels so horrible. At least when I had a place of my own, I could still do things at my own pace and all. Now, I don't know anymore.

God, You know my heart is crying out to You to help me through this period. It's going to be a long 8 weeks and You know that I cannot handle it anymore. I really don't know what to do. I feel like the whole world is crushing down on me again.

2007-07-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

I haven't been here for a while. Work is still the same. Just that I'm living a nomadic life there moving from table to table, not having one to call my own anymore. It's annoying having to move from place to place and what's making it even more sucky, is the feeling of being pushed away. I feel more and more distant from the department every single day. Another 10 more weeks. I cannot wait.

I went for the NDP preview on Saturday! It was FANTASTIC. I tell you, this experience was great and I really hope I can get tickets for the actual day. The parade was like WOAH. I could only look to Jon and tell him how cool everything was. And yes, when NS 40 came about with all the Coast Guards, Navy, Army, Air Force stuff, I was like OMGOMGOMGOMG. Now I have faith in our armed forces. Shall put up some photos.

I GOT MY DREAM JOB! I will be assisting a DJ to help arrange all her interviews and of course look for people that best suit the theme of the day. EXCITEED!

2007-07-17T21:53:00.001+08:00

There was a time where I just dreamed about strolling along the beach with you, enjoying your company and just having the time of our lives. I dreamed about us busking in the love that we share with the stars looking down at us with envy. All these but were just a dream. Will they ever come true? I'm really not sure.

I wish that you would have the guts to tell me how you feel rather than giving me all the mix signals. Yet, I don't want to push you into telling me how you feel because i might end up pushing our friendship away. It's a tough choice but I'd rather be friends than ruin everything for us both.

Every single day I pray that God will show me His way. I mean everything is so gray at this moment. Whether or not I will go to the university to whether or not I will be able to find a job that I love. These are the things that are bothering me. I mean, I like to plan ahead yet when everything seems so bleak, I have no idea where to go and who to turn to. Yes, definitely I should be turning to God but really, I wish I had some idea where I would be heading to.

Now, I pray that it was already September 28. I need to go back to school soon to retain some sanity. The lack of work in the office is definitely killing my brain cells. I need work. I need to be busy.

2007-07-15T21:04:00.000+08:00

There is one thing I hate about growing up is that all of us just grow more distant from each other. Why do we grow distant? Because we are all so busy, our ideals change and therefore, all our expectations of each other change too. I don't know. I just don't want to grow up anymore. I'm so tired of having to juggle work. I HATE WORK. I REALLY HATE IT.

When can I go back to school? When will I be able to enjoy what I'm doing again? SIGHS. Please take me away. Take me away.

2007-07-10T00:11:00.000+08:00

I'd wish on days end that this nightmare will come to an end. This nightmare is tearing me apart. Very soon, I might not even know who I am anymore. I'm tired, exhausted from all the mental and emotional battles I conquer every single day. I wish I could be truthful and let everyone know how I feel. I wish for times when I got the courage to tell you everything, I would and not hold back. I wish that I was never sent to this place. I don't know what God has installed for me but God hear my plea and let me go. Let me off the hook. Any longer, I don't know what I will become. I cannot handle this anymore.

2007-07-07T22:21:00.000+08:00

In Repair
John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

2007-07-05T20:49:00.001+08:00

It's already Thursday, which means that tomorrow is the last day of the work week! I don't know how much longer I can delude myself about trying to love my job. I am definitely not being difficult here but I wish that I don't feel so left out from my department. As much as I try to talk to them and try to be more enthusiastic about department activities, there is still this void. It's like today, they had planned this mini celebration of some sort and well, I had to go out and run an errand, when I came back, everyone was AWOL. There were times when they just see me and another person working, they ask if we're the only two, they in turn reply "yea just the two of us, me and H". LIKE HELLO?! AM I NOT WORKING TOO?!! It hurts.

I know I can't expect much thinking that I am leaving in another three months. But just treat me like I belong. Please, that's all I am asking. I don't want to end up feeling so alienated that at the end of the day, all I want is to be able to have a working working relationship. If you all know what I mean.

I'm tired. I don't want to try to fit in anymore.

2007-06-30T08:31:00.000+08:00

This week has been a week where adjustments had to be made. Going back to work after having a mini-break of some sort required me tuning my body back to the long hours in the office. I suppose it wasn't all that bad until I realized that they were upset that I had taken 3 days MC even though I was really unwell. It made me feel even more crap about going back to the office. I have another 12 weeks to rough it out there. I gotta learn to love my job. Even if it requires me to lead that double life, I just got to stick it out.

Life is full of unkowns and changes. We constantly need to morph ourselves into the culture, situation that we are in. Much as we all detest change, it is needed. Yet sometimes, we feel so beaten and worn. But through this time, you kinda know who are the ones who will stick by you through thick and thin. You kinda know who really cares. It opens your eyes to see how much we all mean to each other.

People change, lives change, decisions we make affects change. When we all move on in our lives, move away, change schools whatever, we somehow start to lose some things around us. No matter how hard we try to keep close to each other, we somehow push each other away too.

To those whom I don't usually meet, I'm sorry I've not been such a good friend. To those whom have moved to somewhere in the world and we hardly actually talk, I wish we would talk more.

I need something in my life. I need change of some sort. I don't want people to keep holding me back. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired. I just want change.

2007-06-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

I'm even more convinced that we've drifted way apart. We are really not the same clique we used to be.

2007-06-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

We've all grown up and changed from the time that we all first got to know each other. We no longer are able to share with each other so freely what we are feeling. Sometimes even the best of friends end up being the last to know what is happening to each other. I don't know. It's just hard to be what we were before. We've all changed. That's the only thing I can say. Sometimes what we do displeases each other but we can't say. I don't know. Maybe we do not know all of us as well as we knew before.

You may be wondering why I'm blogging about this. But I realised on my way home that we aren't that same group of youths that we use to hang out anymore. We've all grown up to be people whom are some what different. Maybe it's for the better but maybe it's also causing us to drift apart. I don't know. I wonder what it's gonna be like in 2 years time when we probably change even more.

It's back to work tomorrow after 3 days of MC last week. Oh wells.

2007-06-22T20:31:00.001+08:00

Stuck in a day
Like a runner with no race
Are you afraid
Your joy has been misplaced
It's been a while
Since I've seen you smile
How easy you forget
So roll back the time
And there you will find
What never left

The day heaven found you
The day the angels sang
Praises to the Father
Who called you by name
The moment you surrendered
The moment you were saved
Life as you knew it forever was changed
And all the above rejoiced

Remember the day
When God forgot your sin
Remember the way
That joy came tumbling in
There will be times
When you cannot find
A reason to stand and sing
But let this remind
You time after time
You're a child of the King

See them dancing
See them singing
All of heaven is rejoicing over you

2007-06-22T16:11:00.001+08:00

Been on MC for the past 3 days. Guess being sick means that I get a well-deserved break because I get to sleep alot. But it's also a time whereby everything sets in and I get all emo. Ah the usual drift whenever I'm not feeling well.

It's come to a point whereby I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't make certain decisions in my life. It's like I look back and ask, what would I have become if I had chose to tell someone that I liked Him or would I be happier now if I hadn't rejected STOMP's offer. Things like that. Although my friends would never fail to remind me that it was a good thing I hadn't been stupid enough to let my moment of folly rule my entire life, I still wonder and of course ask myself if things would have changed for the better. Would it be that friendship be not what it is today? Seriously, I wonder.

Every few months where I get the chance to stop and look back, I fall into this problem of regretting. I probably regret A LOT of stuff but I suppose I'm starting to learn how to not let all these things affect me. The process of growing up allows for mistakes but the moulding process is really painful.

I can lament forever about how tough life has been since I was 16. But I can also go on forever about how strong I would have become. Yet, I don't know how strong I am because I feel so bogged down. So please tell me if you know me. God, speak to me too.

2007-06-19T23:17:00.000+08:00

Natasha Bedingfield
Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

2007-06-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

To all of you out there who have been trying to cheer me up, a big thank you for your efforts. I am trying my very best to look on the positive side as I go to work and when I am alone. Of course, I am putting every effort to make this internship work. I just wish it would be easier.

I tried so hard not to cry in the office today when the comparison arose, when the rest gathered to speak and left me out. I know what all of you are saying to me to try to make good of everything. Believe me, I am trying. I am not even complaining about going to the store anymore. I just hope this period will end soon. I just want to go back to school.

2007-06-16T21:09:00.001+08:00

I woke up this morning full of optimisim as I looked forward to going to school. Yet when I left school this afternoon, I felt like crap and all I wanted to do was to crawl under my sheets or head to a place where I could find solace. I didn't feel like wanting to be anywhere anymore. No more church, no more SIP, no more school. I simply didn't see the meaning of everything.

I wake up every morning asking God why am I still alive here today. I ask God why do I have to endure everything. Like all the shit at work, why I choose to allow myself to burn my weekends away, why am I even being pushed around.

If you were to ask me what is the one thing that is really bothering me now, it would be that I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. For the past week, I have been compared to the previous intern that they had. Every single day, I hear her name being mentioned in my face. I don't need to know how shitty I probably am as compared to her. Please I beg you, look at me and what I've done. Don't compare. She's her and I am me. I cannot be like her.

Why is it that I am not good enough for everyone? It's hard trying to please everyone. As I watched 200 pounds Beauty over dinner today, she said this line that is stuck with me. She tried her best to fit into society by being beautiful but in the process, she lost her friends, her family and even herself. I am starting to feel like that. I really don't know who I am. What am I going to evolve to as I try to match up to everyone and try to prove my worth. I am not perfect. I will never be the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect pastor's daughter.

I am tired. I am weary. I feel beaten.

2007-06-14T21:55:00.001+08:00

Can we the youth of today be depended upon when we are old enough to enter politics and govern the country? Can we the youth of today be able to stand up for what is right and lead a life that is righteous? Can we the youth of today be able to push ourselves to the point in which we shine at our brightest and not wait to be pushed around? Can we the youth of today stop behaving like the brats we are today?

These are the questions that are probably weighing hard on the minds of our parents and those of the generation that would be in that time when we become the leaders of the future. I guess they have every right to worry especially since we are so pampered. My supervisor never fails to remind me that we need to constantly push ourselves and not wait for our bosses to do so because they won't. They have better things to do rather than keep pushing us. Inspiration comes from within. We need to look for the things that inspire us that we may be able to write our reports, articles or what-so-ever. Yea, it's good that we once in a while walk around and not be cooped up in our little cubicle and free the parameters of our minds. I guess, saying that we have no inspiration should never be an excuse that we use to get away from doing the things we hate.

I don't really put a finger to what I want to accomplish in my life. I mean I am still exploring many areas that I can eventually settle myself in. Honestly speaking, the dreams that I hold on to today, may be gone tomorrow. I may never be able to realise my own dreams. I may never be able to follow through the plan I have drafted for myself but I guess if I really put my heart and soul to do whatever I am tasked to do, I cannot say that I've wasted my time. It's not as though my life has just simply gone in flash because I could not stick to the dreams I had for myself.

But I know what I would regret if I was never true to myself. I would never want to betray myself in order to gain some benefits. I would never be able to forgive myself if I choose to live a lie or even lie about how I feel. You may think that I'm too vocal for my own good but I suppose if I don't voice my opinions and harbour everything inside, I will one day explode and no, it would not be a pretty sight. People may think that I'm mean in the way I handle certain issues but as I've said I will never compromise on my principles. There is a standard that I believe we should keep with respect to the commitment towards things. I certainly do not like the fact that a person may only turn up for something because you are 'forced' to or because you think you are obligated to go because it's your duty to serve. NOPE. Don't like that mindset. I think it's all about commitment, you don't turn up at your whim and fancy. Not everyone can accomodate you or your behaviour. No I'm not targeting this paragraph to anyone but it's true. Either you get it or you don't. Either you pull your act together or be eaten alive in the real world. Really, it will help you in surviving in the world.

It's up to us how we want our lives to turn out. It's up to us how we want to make a difference in this world. Yes, God has already mapped things out for us but it's the journey that it's important and the destination is just our prize. Ask yourself, can you be relied on? Can anyone else rely on you, to count on you to be able to do things with the commitment level that enables you to work well with others?

2007-06-13T23:57:00.000+08:00

I just read Daryl's blog. Couldn't agree more with his latest post. I guess every now and then, we as older siblings tend to reflect on our actions. Though I may never say it aloud to Evangelin how much I love her as a sister, nor to my parents how much I love them, deep down in our hearts, we silently know this truth. I guess in my family, we never say it or show it through affectionate actions but we kinda know that we love each other.

Today we went to Pastor Joshua's place for dinner. I cannot tell you how exactly I felt when I saw Valerie showering kisses to both Shawn and Trinity. It was such a lovely sight. I mean we don't do that at home. There and then, I told myself that I want to be like that when I become a mum. Show my kids with my actions how much I love them. On a lighter note, both Trinity and Shawn are soooooo adorable that I really want to bring them home with me. HAHA.

I've been 'promoted' in my company to be the administrator for my department. Somehow I've grown to not like my job even more. SERIOUSLY. I mean I know I should try to love it and make the best out of my time there but I'm finding it so difficult. The daily battle of telling myself that I have to leave the house, put on my best performance to work is taking it's toil on me. I know I cannot complain. BUT really, I hope in the future, I can find the job I love.

Life will never be easy. We either rough it out or let ourselves sink into depression. Of course, the results after which we rough things out would be sweet but the process is long and ardulous. I want to be strong. I want to be able to grit my teeth and go through everything. I want to be able to say I've ran a good race, fought a good fight.

2007-06-10T21:25:00.000+08:00

I figure that it's nice once in a while to have a change in environment. Went over to KPC today and well, I guess it wasn't that bad after all. Met up with some friends and had a good time talking even though it was pretty lame stuff.

I was pleasantly surprised when I messaged BJ this afternoon to ask how he was in OCS and lo and behold! he told me that Markoto is back. After not hearing from him for so long, I never thought that we would ever hear from him again. It's not a bad thing I suppose.

Well, watching One Tree Hill last night really made me cry. I've always wanted to go to a prom like what I watch in the movies and in all these dramas, not like the ones we have in secondary school or even poly. I dream of the day that someone asks me to go for a prom and then I go shopping for some amazing dress. Somehow I figure that this will only remain a dream because here in Singapore, what are the chances of me ever going to a prom? I would harly think that day will ever come. I don't know why but proms are very important things in a person's life. It's like a part of us where we can reminsce when we are older and tell our children what kind of clothes we wore and what experiences we had back then. It's like the bridge between the generations to let them know that we had gone through it before. Honestly, maybe us Singaporeans have other stuff to boast about. Proms aren't that big a deal here.

It was a night in for all of us at home today and we sat down to watch '200 pounds beauty'. Never really thought well of the show because it was a Korean movie and you sorta know what kind of ending it would have. The plots for such shows are usually about the same. Anyways, while watching the movie, it kinda struck me about this honesty thing. Like to tell the person you love how you truly feel and even any dark secrets that you might want to divulge so that you become true to yourself too. Yet, we are all afraid of the truth that we would tell. I am afraid. Very afraid that if I ever tell the truth about how I feel to someone, we will never be friends again. You see, I work on this mechanism that turns off whenever I am afraid. I would rather pass on a relationship and cling on to a friendship. I will never open my mouth unless I know that my safety net is in place and the friendship can handle anything. OH WELLS. Guess sometimes I can't blame anyone but myself for giving up good opportunities.

I dread tomorrow. I dread the thought of having to head back to the office, the store room. I just wish my tutor would call me right now to tell me that the internship period has been cut so short that I can start going back to school after the 2 weeks break. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate my colleagues who so happen to be very nice people. I just don't like it because I AM WASTING SO MUCH OF MY TIME. Sighs.

2007-06-09T09:40:00.000+08:00

Once again, the week has gone by and if you ask me what is the most productive thing I've done this week, it would definitely be helping Auntie Pauline at her office on Wednesday evening. I really cannot handle the fact that I'm wasting so many hours of my life every single day when I'm in the office. PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO.

I was on MC yesterday. Nope it was a geniune case of me not feeling well and therefore staying at home. I wouldn't dare just go to see a doctor and get MC just because I don't feel like working. SIP IS AT STAKE HERE! Wouldn't want to screw up this internship and then get lousy grades. It's all too important for me to really do well this last year in poly so that I can enter university next year.

Given time to really think about what I wanted to pursue yesterday, I felt that I am at this crossroads where I don't know what is good for me anymore. I don't know if I should apply for journalism or marketing as my major, I don't even know if I can enter uni with the kind of grades that I have now. I am afraid with the stiff competition that I've noted at this year's university admission. I don't want to end up having to work first and putting studies in the back seat. It was never my intention in the plan I literally thought of for my life.

You may think that I'm inflexible but I suppose having a plan beats not having one at all. I cannot imagine me going through the routines of life not knowing what I am heading towards or why in the first place I'm doing all these. I may simply not care anymore why I am placed at Suntec Singapore, I may simply not care anymore that I'm single and seem to meet jerks most of the time. But yet, I know that I want to be able to make it in life. It helps. It helps maintain my sanity at the very least.

At last night's dinner, I thought about something. Maybe I should volunteer my services to the library every weekend to read to the children. It's a nice, voluntary thing to do. I mean to be able to feed children the knowledge and the imagination of the litery world, it's noble! I love it when I see children being interested in books. I should try calling the community libraries soon.

I'm back to watching One Tree Hill. For some apparent reason, it can get me to cry. I think teenage shows like these really tug my heart strings because I do understand the pain that some of them go through. It's reality in the almost perfect world of tv. It's just like watching Ugly Betty. Same logic there. I mean in the world of fashion, love and sex, a girl like Betty is always forgotten.

I want to be known for my geniune self. Not someone who is just not bad looking, studied in CMM at TP or even known as Evan's sister or Pastor Tim's daughter. I want to be known as me, Eudora and as the girl who pursues her dream. I pray that in the eulogy that people would write of me, would be one that speaks of the qualities that I don't even know I possess. I want to know how I've touched the lives of those around me. I want to be able to believe that I've made a difference in this world and not led a very selfish life. I hope that's not too much to ask for in a simple life.

So let me ask you today, what would you write about me and what would you want me to write about you? Let this be a question that weigh heavily on our minds that we use this question to spur us on to be better people, better people for God. =)

2007-06-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

Every day I wrestle with the zzz bug in the office. I feel like I'm wasting 7.5hours of my time every day when I step into office. With nothing better to do, all I can do is stone. I want to read, but it's almost impossible to do so without being said so I read news. I read and read so much news from CNA, BBC and CNN that I am practically reading the same stories from all three webs. Feels damn loser just to think about it.

So I think all of us have this inbuilt mechanism that keeps fighting to do the right thing. It's like what we watch in the cartoons where there is an angel and a devil on either side. Like for example now, I am having cramps and I know I won't be very productive at work because I keep wanting to sit down or lie down. I don't know if I should take MC tomorrow and rest at home or just go to work and suffer there. HAI.

I'm glad that this week is coming to an end. That would mean another 16 more weeks to go!!!!

2007-06-03T20:53:00.000+08:00

This blog is almost like the window to my soul. To let all who read it get to know what is going through in my head. I thank all of you who has tagged on my board or PM-ed me on MSN telling me that you are always there for me. =)

This past few days have been some sort of a emotional carnage. It's like the moment I get to this hour of the day, I start being all emo and start to cry. I seriously seriously hope that it's some PMS sorta thing, since I'm having an outbreak. On Friday, I lost it when I came home after meeting Jacklyn and gang. Last night, it was the same thing. I'm hoping that I wouldn't have an episode later.

Went to watch Pirates today. Almost cried when I saw Wil being stabbed and the pain in both their eyes, was so intense that I could almost feel it myself. I kept telling myself not to cry because somehow I knew that it was going to be some sort of happy ending. In any case, I cannot imagine myself having to go through the pain of only being able to see my beloved once every 10 years. It would definitely be the most horrible thing that can happen to anyone.

I will never be able to understand how people can withstand having to go through a long distance relationship. I think it takes a lot of guts, patience and love to be able to do so. Not to be able to see the person physically or even know that the person is within human touch whenever you need that listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I only have one thing to say about them - you guys should really pat yourself on the back for having the courage to embark on such a ardulous journey together. No wonder people say that if you can handle being apart from each other for so long, you would probably end up together for a lifetime.

Tomorrow will be another day at work. Somehow I figure that this is going to be a long long week ahead. I just hope that time will pass so quickly that the next weekend would come soon. Oh Lord, help me please.

2007-05-31T20:55:00.000+08:00

I'm filled with mixed emotions as I watch "Music & Lyrics" again. I don't know why but I know that I'm trying super super hard not to be hung up on things that I shouldn't be. Trying to have a super positive outlook of life isn't that easy as you would think that it is. Some people are born naturally to be more negative and there are some who are really positive. I think I belong to the group that tends to be more negative even though I may not seem like this to many people.

Everyday I feel like I'm dragging myself to work. Much as I wish that I would start to love my job as much as I loved it when I first started my internship, I find it tougher and tougher. I realised that everything may not be as glamourous as it seems and no matter how others think that I'm being paid more, we are in fact still working for a petty sum. Hai. It's not that I want to complain or what-so-ever. I wish that I would be able to take leave off from work to have some time away from the office, to enjoy the days I had as a student. I really wonder if one day, I will ever find a job that I will love.

It sux having to turn on the television and watch programs that perpetually speak about love. I finished reading "Boy Meets Girl" in the office yesterday and somehow I felt even worse than before. I really don't know what to do anymore. Even though I am grateful for singlehood and being able to serve God with whatever free time I have, I do wish that I have someone around for me. It may seem that I have someone in mind, but I don't know what to do. I want to be like that godly woman that is spoken of in the book. I don't want to rush into things or even be the one that makes the first move because I don't want to end up undermining the guys's leadership. Sighs.

Please teach me to be patient. Please open my heart, ears and eyes to see what You've planned for me.

2007-05-27T21:11:00.000+08:00

The weekends never seem long enough for me to rest and before I know it, Monday is here again and I'm heading back to work tomorrow. I wish the weekends were more that just a mere 48 hours but 72 hours! Mondays are such dreaded days in the office because time seems to be practically crawling. Even though I have stuff to do now, I wish I don't have to go back in the first place. You know I've finally come to fully appreciate the notion about having holidays. Going to work every single day and not being able to take leave has almost become a dread.

I feel like everything is taking a toll on my body. My back feels like it's breaking half the time. TERRIBLE BACKACHES. I feel old just complaining about it. Though I do wish that I can fall ill then u know, I can take mc and not go to work. It's a very bad thought I know but I guess I'm really longing for a good break.

Someohow, there's this extravangant spree in my household. It's not that I don't encourage them to indulge once in a while but to do it at one shot, it is really extreme. I mean if we have been blessed abundantly and have the financial capabilities, I've got nothing to complain about. Even though I wish that they would willingly sponsor me for my air ticket should I go for a holiday, I don't want to be solely dependent on them.

Parents ultimately will try to accomodate all the requests that we make but we need to know how not to take advantage of them. Now that I'm working, I truly understand why they say that it's hard to earn money because as you can tell here, no matter how I hate my job, I still grit my teeth and press on. I am sure some of our parents feel like that too. Let's be more understanding and well, be more mature in the way that we spend our money.

2007-05-26T23:38:00.000+08:00

Just as I mentioned to my tutor that I had nothing much to do in the office except going to the store room, work starts making their way to my table. I now have quite a fair bit to do in the office. Not that I'm complaining that I finally have work, I just wish that I can bring my work to a nice place to do rather than be stuck at that desk where I'm all holed up.

Well I did the most insane thing I've done so far. Walking from Suntec to Vivo City. HAHAHAHA. I know I know, all of you must think that I'm mad. Good thing for a friend that was nice enough to walk with me. =) The walk was all worth it when we went to the sky garden and WOAH! THERE WERE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL STARS!!! I like...haa.

Had SYNOD Youth Games today. Was quite happy to meet up with some friends that I hardly have the time to catch up with. YAYY. Though we didn't play very well, I guess suffice to say we all did have some sort of fun.

I don't know why but my outlook of life recenly has been rather bleak. I mean I'm not entirely unhappy with what I have but I wish I have more. I don't know what has gotten into me. It's not like I'm really old and haven't accomplished anything. Sighs.

2007-05-21T21:15:00.000+08:00

Realised that I haven't blogged for a few days. There's nothing much to really blog about. Thank God for a relatively good turnout for the event in church on Saturday. I hope everyone had good fun including our station marshalls who had fun getting me wet. HAHAHAHA. It was enjoyable and I did have fun except for this minor incident. Well, my phone was stolen during the event. I admit, it was probably carelessness on my part for leaving my phone out there to tempt the person. I just pray that the person will stop stealing and will not do it again. I wasn't upset that the physical phone was missing but more of my SIM card which stored most of my numbers and of course the messages that were in the phone. Well, I just gotta slowly collect all the numbers again.

Work is getting on my nerves somehow. I really hate stepping into office even. No, I'm not being ill-treated there but it's more like I cannot handle the idea of me sitting behind the desk or heading down to the store room again. ARGHS. I WANT SIP TO END SOON. Yea, wake me up when september ends. That's the best.

Mandy Moore - I Wanna Be With You Lyrics

I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of anything but you
Your breath on my face your warm, gentle kiss I taste the truth, I taste the truth
We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more

[CHORUS]
I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the on who's in your arms to hold you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

So I'll hold you tonight like I would if you were mine to hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch that I've wanted so much to feel before, to feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this

[CHORUS]

Oh, baby
I can't fight this feeling anymore(anymore)
Drives me crazy when I try to
So call my name and take my hand
Can you make my wish, baby, your command(command)?
Yeah

[CHORUS]

Oh yeah
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you, ooo, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be, You
Yeah yeah I wanna be, I wanna be with you
(Repeat line above)
(Whisper) I wanna be with you

2007-05-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

Finally after so long, I met up with my poly friends today! We had a major time laughing our ass off talking about our internship experiences and well, the people around in our course. Nahhh it was more like talking about how everyone is now, no major bitching. I really miss going to school. Work is starting to be such a dread because I keep having to go back to the store room. Probably after the past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion that I cannot have a desk bound job. I simply am not cut out for it because I lose my enthusiasm too quickly.

In my heart, all is forgiven and I've stopped being mean by praying prayers that will end up hurting people. I just wonder what is happening at this point in time. It seems like friends that seem to have said that our friendship is dear, has drifted so far away that I don't know if we can even be considered friends anymore. Maybe we've all changed so drastically that you and I may not know each other. I suppose I'm searching for some answers. Maybe you can help me too.

I can't wait for the days to come where I can finally do the things that I really like. To work in a job that I really love.

2007-05-14T10:19:00.000+08:00

I went to watch SRT's Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning Park on Friday evening together with Rachel. It was definitely an experience to remember, watching a play under the stars and even being given the opportunity to dance with the cast on stage at the finale. I really enjoyed myself. Well, *cia did ask if I wanted to go again and I actually wouldn't mind. =)

Rachel and I joked about us having to find boyfriends that would enjoy all these musicals and plays because it seemed almost difficult to find such guys here in Singapore that would accompany us for such stuff. HAHA. Well, there were A LOT of good-looking caucasians. HURHUR. Whatever the case is, going for such stuff is definitely one area that I would spend money on. I hope to be able to fly to London and New York to watch musicals there. It would be the time of my life.

Saturday was pretty interesting as well. Went to church in the afternooon to try the games for this coming Saturday's YZ Annual Challenge. I shall not spoil the fun but I really really thank God that I'm a group marshall. HAHAHAHHAA. Had dinner at this really nice peranakan place at Katong after YAM with my family. The food there is SEDAP!!! Really good but of course the price was like...If I marry a rich man, I could probably go there for meals rather often.

Mother's day was yesterday and well, my plans of surprising my parents with musical tickets were dampened because my aunt asked about the musical that I had bought tickets for my parents for. But nonetheless, I made my parents happy because they were finally going to watch a musical at the Esplanade Theatre for the first time. Money well-spent I suppose.

There has been nagging horrible feeling in my heart. I wonder what triggered it but I hope that it isn't telling me something bad. Btw, I'm blogging in my office again. HAHAHA. I know that it's not really good but well, I simply have no mood to search for the data that I'm suppose to submit tomorrow morning. Sighs. Just let this day pass quickly.

If the Rain Must Fall
James Morrison

Oh life can be strange

Good and bad in so many ways

And in time you will find

That things are not always what they seem

Well i've got something to say

But you might laugh, joke or run away

Coz i'm awkward and nervous

Sometimes i dont say much at all

But if the rain must fallIf i lose it all

If the world comes down and takes my soul

If the sky turns black

And theres no no way back

It won't matter much to meI

f i had youAll i need is your love

That's all i need

All i need is your love

Oh well dreams can come true

if you know inside you really want them to or you can sit you can wait

You can leave your fate in someone elses hands

Oh but I, I want you

And nothing else can make me feel the way you do

So i'm waiting, i'm wishing

That it's me you'll be holding tonight and every night

2007-05-10T11:55:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting in my office now pretty much cleared quite a fair bit of paper work this morning with tons more to complete later. Haven't blogged in a couple of days because I suppose my life is as uninteresting as it can be.

Part of my job scope is to do media clippings and therefore, I have been reading a lot of newspapers. Each day as I browse through the papers, I feel for the people who have lost their homes, their loved ones, their belongings because of some natural disaster or disaster that could have been avoided. It's really sad. Like yesterday's paper had this picture of a old man who was looking at the remains of his house after it had been struck by a tornado. He was crying and at that moment, I knew I was going to start crying too. I cannot imagine being in their situation because I will never experience this here in Singapore. Maybe for once, all of us should stop complaining about our situations because there are others out there who are worse than us.

Also because I spend so much time in my office and each time I take a break, my mind wonders. It's been pretty much a tough few days as my mind somehow treads back to memories, events, words that I don't really want to remember. It hasn't been easy because each time that happens, the mood is ruined for the entire day and I can't seem to work. Much as I try to tune my head to not go there, it's hard to control. It doesn't help that Michael Buble is on repeat on my computer because I can't technically store much music in my computer and sometimes it just triggers. It's a good thing somehow that each time I feel a crying episode coming, a colleague would just walk into the office and hence, I don't start.

I always pray that this is because I'm being hormonal and not because I don't want to let go of all my ugly, hurtful past. I should really embrace the way things are now that I don't have any obligation to anyone besides my parents and God. Silently, my heart still pines for someone I guess. If it's any consolation, I'm grateful for friends who are around me.

It's a long and bumpy road when one tries to move on from anything that had hindered him/her especially when it concerns the affairs of the heart. Sometimes I only have myself to blame for letting things fall through because of my insecurities; for not seizing opportunities that would propel me to being a better person than I already am; for letting people go because I am so unsure of myself.

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
Bee Gees

I can think of younger days

When living for my life

Was everything a man could want to do

I could never see tomorrow

But I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

How can you mend a this broken man?

How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart

And let me live again

I can still feel the breeze

That rustles through the trees

And misty memories of days gone by

We could never see tomorrow

No one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

How can you mend this broken man?

How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart

And let me live again

2007-05-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

Issit me or is there something wrong with blogger? The page in which I blog at is entirely weirdly aligned. I don't think the buttons work either! THIS SUX. Anyway, my office is falling apart. This is rather serious because I mentioned about the smell of my office. The highlight of my office falling apart was that we had a major flooding in our office last night because the contractor for Food Republic somehow burst the sprinkler at our door and the rest is history. I walked into office this morning and thought that some rat died in the office because the smell was horrid. Anyway it will take 3 days for the carpet to dry and then we have to suffer with the horrible smell again. SIGHS. The door broke this afternoon too. HAHAHAHA. Don't ask me who broke it because I ain't sure either.

The excitment about SIP has worn off totally already because I want to be a student again. I want to be a student in school NOW! I suppose that's why everyone encourages me to enjoy studying while I can because being a student is so much better than working. I feel rather uptight at work these days. Not that I really hate my working environment but I guess I hate it that my timing is not my own anymore.

Went to catch Spiderman 3 on Sunday. NAHHHH didn't think it was all that the critics kept raving about. I mean the show could have been much better especially the parts which I felt was too draggy. There are a few movies which I wanna catch soon. Like 28 Weeks Later, Pirates and Shrek! TIME TO SAVE MONEY AND LOOK FOR MOVIE KHAKIS AGAIN!

Tomorrow is back to work again. Somebody save me!

2007-05-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

I struggle to find the right words to say whenever someone confides in me. I struggle even more when my heart feels all funny and I still have to say the most sensible things so as now to hurt a person's feelings. Yet, admist all my struggles, I hope the words I utter are the ones that the person wants to hear but yet are the most snesible things I can say to you.

I'm suppose to be praying about the words I would utter for tomorrow's worship but I can't seem to concentrate. My heart is burdened, it feels funny and really it's the time when I feel that I'm letting my heart rule my head. I need this to reverse itself. I need to be sensible and clear headed. I need wisdom to lead worship tomorrow.

Lord, please help me. This week has been tough and I really don't wish for this to carry on. Help me get on with life and not choose to dwell in things that will make me run away from the harsh reality of this world.

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the right man was on the wall
If I don't land
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

2007-05-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

My office didn't smell that bad today. God answered my prayers. Yet I still had this headache because of the smell of the office. I'm glad that at least I managed to finish quite a fair bit of work today.

Met Joyce, Jocelyn and Kyna for dinner today. Well, our conversation somehow revovled around a lot about us and our relationships. Many many thoughts ran through my head as the small talks were going on. I suppose in my heart I was wondering when will be the time in which God will think that I am ready for a relationship.

Very often, it seems like I passed up a lot of relationships that could have happened because I keep saying that I need to pray about it. I suppose having put God first place in my life helps me decide on all these decisions. Though it may seem like He wants me to wait, I know that it's really for my own good. He would probably only allow me to get into a relationship when He thinks that I have fully put down my past relationship and all the hurt I allowed myself to feel when I got emotionally invovled when I shouldn't.

SIGHS. That's why I always say, please be patient with me. Let God make the decisions for us. No point rushing into things when I know that it wouldn't be pleasing in God's sight. Because who knows, even if a couple lasts for a few years, if the relationship ain't pleasing to God, you will still end up in heartache. I rather take my pick of enduring short term pain than long term pain.

I will not jump into anything without weighing all school of thought.

BON JOVI LYRICS

"I Want To Be Loved"

I had a roof overhead
Had shoes on my feet
Sure I was fed, but no-one was there
When I was in need, yeah

So who am I now?
Who do you want me to be?
I can forgive you, but I won't relive you
I aint the same scared kid I used to be

[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I aint gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna be loved
I wanna be loved

I found a picture
Our so-called family tree, yeah
I broke all the branches, looking for answers
Don't you know that aint how it's supposed to be

[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I ain't gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna give
I'm ready to try
Willing to lay it on the line
I wanna be loved
I wanna be

I aint gonna cry
I dont wanna scream
But i got so much left unsaid inside of me

[Chorus]

I just wanna be loved
I wanna be loved

2007-05-02T21:31:00.000+08:00

WIth a head that is ready to crack at any time, I honestly don't feel like going to work tomorrow. The thought of having to step into an office that smells so horrible - the smell of carbon monoxide and dust, is just putting me off. It's not that I don't enjoy my job but because the smell is overwhelming, I cannot work. I keep having headaches because of the smell and because of that, I simply cannot work. How on earth am I going to survive in that office? I just want to GET OUT of my office.

I'm so excited that Chuan Yao is coming back! HAHAHAHA. We talked today and really, it's just so exciting that he's coming back. Maybe I can't wait as well because it would kinda mark the middle of my internship already. Everyday is flying by quite quickly and before I know it, I would probably be back in school already.

What is it that I really want in life? What do I want to do or be? I don't know. Hmms. Though I say that God is in control, the stubborn streak in me would be screaming the world's ideals =. I just pray that I'll be obedient and humble to let God lead the way.

Last Request lyrics by Paolo Nutini.

Slow down, lie down
Remember it's just you and me
Don't sell out, bow out
Remember how this used to be
I just want you to know something, is that alright?
Baby let's get closer, tonight

[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh

I've found that I'm bound to wander down that long way road, ohhh
And I realise all about your lies,
But I'm no wiser than the fool that I was before.
I just want you to know something, is that alright?
Baby let's get closer, tonight.

[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh

Baby, baby, baby
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh

[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh

ooohhhh wohhhhohhh, yeah
Lay down beside me
One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me.

2007-04-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

It's been a long a tiring day. Coupled with the exhaustion from yesterday's very long meeting, I can say that I'm suffering from fatigue. Today was a rather crazy day of work as I tried to clear as much as possible before going back to work on Wednesday.

I went on my first site visit today and in all honesty, I felt that today's group was not really that interested in the tour. Nonethless, it was an eye opening experience as I learnt more about the convention centre and how to conduct site visits in future. It kinda spurred me on to like read up on the handbook that was given to me on the first day so that I can aid in all these visits.

THE SMELL OF MY OFFICE IS KILLING ME. It smells as though there is carbon monoxide coupled with dust and everything else. It only creates such a horrible environment to work in that in all honesty, I wish something will be done. The environment is making me detest heading to the office to work. REALLY.

I need my break. I need a good and restful break. GIVE ME A BREAK!

Under My Skin
Rachel Yamagata

I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here, and for the moment the "we" is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes, I discover
That I like her

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Oh, would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance, and you should go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know

2007-04-28T10:50:00.001+08:00

My body screams for a break but I keep pushing my body. I have no idea why. I sleep late, I work hard at work and at the gym, think I killed my feet with my heels. Yet, I can't sleep!! I'm tired really tired. Like last night, I knew I was tired and I was dozing off. I fell asleep and before I knew it, I was up again. It continued for the past 5 hours and really, all I wish I can do now is sleep.

I really need to pamper myself, pronto!Things at work aren't that bad really. I have survived 2 weeks at my job and I think I will truly enjoy myself at posting. You would think that engaging in retail therapy would help when one is in need of pampering and most probably to release stress. BUT it made me feel worse yesterday. No I didn't buy anything. I just didn't have any mood to shop. It's weird but yea, it happened.

I seriously don't feel like doing anything and just stay at home and rest. Like I said before, it is ironic that when we are busy we long for a break but when we are too free, we complain about how free we are. In all honesty in my mind there's only one thing. Go back to Perth for my well-deserved holiday. I really really want that break to be away from everything. To start afresh when I return. To know that I have no more loose ends to tie up. No more relations to cut off.

I don't want to just break down and cry in my office like how I've been feeling for the past few days. It's embarassing and what's worse, I don't want my colleagues to think that I am an emotional wreck. It's not a good thing and this is my internship that I cannot screw up. Oh wells.

If there's anyone who wants to bring me shopping just to accompany me or just to pick up the tab, let me know. =)

Dance with Me Tonight
Hugh Grant

It's been so long
Since I've known right from wrong
Got no choice
Sometimes I just sit down and sob
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh will you dance with me tonight?

When the Sunday nights
I feel a hole down in my heart
Put on some shoes
Come down here
And listen to the blues
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh will you dance with me tonight?

I'm looking you, you're looking at me
We're the only two off the dance floor
Do you see what I see?

Two long goodbyes
Working in harmony
I'd make for a decent time
So get up and dance with me

I know that it seems the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barbwire fence
But that other side is not in sight
So I'm fine with what I have now
If you'll dance with me tonight

What's the point of life if risk is just a board game?
You roll the dice but you're hoping that the rules change
What's the point if you can't bring yourself to say
The things you want to say
Like you'll dance with me tonight

2007-04-26T21:41:00.000+08:00

After a long day at work, the only thing I actually look forward to is to look up into the sky and be greeted with an array of stars. I find comfort in them I guess. Yet, the past few nights have been cloudy and so there aren't any stars for me to gaze at. I miss the times when I was in Australia where I could just look up to the sky and amazingly, the entire sky is lit with the millions of stars. I will never forget the time when I saw the milky way. It was almost like a dream come true.

Heading out of the gym today, I was walking along the streets of Orchard Road when I chanced upon this very young couple who are already parents to this baby. My heart dropped because it is a sad sight as I know that it will take A LOT for the couple to make things work as they are so young. I cannot imagine having my dreams dashed because of a moment of folly that results in a life being created. I don't pity them but instead I worry for them because I wonder would they ever be able to experience life to the fullest? Would they have enough life experiences to tell their child as he/she grows up and asks their parents about things that they probably have never gone through?

All I long for now is someone kind enough to give me a massage for my aching body. =(

She Cries
Jewel

Time passes quickly for our lady of the hour
She brushes her long blonde hair
From her face only to find a tear
But she don’t know why she’s been crying

She looks inside herself
To maybe find an answer
But she’s willingly distracted
By the man who like’s her glitter
She says, "fool, I ain’t gold."

She don’t even know she cries cuz she’s so tangled up in lies

In her head she plays a game
Pretending that she’s not the same lady who is cheating on her husband
With a man she hardly even knows
She says, "ignorance is bliss."

But when he asks her name
She must fumble for an answer
She’s been called so many
But now she can’t remember
So she just makes up another

And she don’t even know she cries cuz she’s so tangled up in lies

Now the dirty deed is done
She heads into the bathroom
She washes her hands in the sink
And thinks it could clean her conscience
If only she could find one

And slowly she turns and heads
For the door as if this were all a dream
She has seen her sweet husband’s face
But only like a fleeting glimse
Of all those bridges she’s been burning
All those bridges she’s been burning

And she don’t even know she cries
It should come as no surprise
Cuz she’s so tangled up in lies

2007-04-25T22:01:00.000+08:00

As I watch footages on American Idol about the children, the people who are less fortunate, I remember the elderly that we visited on Sunday. They aren't exactly the poorest of the lot in Singapore I suppose but poor enough that they do not get to enjoy the luxury that we have. A simple meal of plain rice with soya sauce would be sufficient for them. What more about us when we are complaining about the food we have not being tasty enough? I think we should start appreciating the fact that we are fortunate enough to have food to be placed on our tables.

Appreicating life as it is would also mean appreciating those around us. I think saying a simple thank you when someone remembers you when presented with a good offer would be nice. I think us being human are just selfish and self-conceated that we are just all about ME ME ME. In all honesty, I feel very unappreciated at times. I think being nice is just me and therefore, people just take advantage of me. Don't take me for granted anymore. I hate it that people keep taking me for granted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted from dealing with all these emotional pain.

I think we all take each other for a ride from time to time. We aren't that perfect as humans. Yet I ask, if we hate it when people treat us indifferently, why do we do that too? It's really the logic of do unto others what you want other people to do to you. However, I think we all know, the world is not a perfect place and will never be unless all of us change to be the perfect humans. That would mean, choosing to be like God, possessing His qualities. Would that be possible? I am really unsure. Maybe you can provide me the answer.

In all honesty, I wish for people to understand me. I may not be the usual 19-year old that you will come across but there's someone hidden in me that is waiting to be appreciated. It makes me wonder, how many of you whom have known me for so many years can truly say that you've known the real me and truly appreciate me for who I am?

Tonight has been a rainy night. As I sit on my sofa and hear the raindrops hit the window, I really ponder hard over these questions.

Thanks For The Memories
Fall Out Boy

I'm gonna make you bend and break
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show (let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life
"Who does he think he is"
If that's the worst you've got better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See He tastes like you only sweeter
ohhhhhh

I'm looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
Is always cloudy except for (except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past)
One night stand
One night stand, OH!

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

They say I only think in the form of
Crunching numbers in hotel rooms
Collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind
Gets you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from
Getting you into the mood (wa-ooooohhh)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

2007-04-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

Working can be exhausting even though there may have been nothing much to do in the office. Yesterday was a classic example. I came home from work and right after dinner, I fell asleep. Was suppose to wake up to do some stuff for church but in the end, I slept till this morning. This explains why I didn't come online last night.

Things in the office are getting more interesting as I am given more responsibilities. I suppose I look forward to challenges in my work so that I wouldn't feel that my job is mundane. It's ironic that I wanna go to work and yet, I feel sian at times. Oh wells.

My cousin was just sharing something with me the other day about her friend whose husband cheated on her twice. Relationships are as fragile as glass. It can be beautiful for all to see and admire but the next thing you know, it just shatters on the ground. The pieces pierce through your skin and hurts you. I feel sorry for her friend. I feel sorry for a friend of mine too.

What is it that makes us tick? What is it that makes relationships break? What I thought would be a long lasting just shatters before my very eyes. It's just sad. Is love something that we cannot believe in anymore?

Total Eclipse of The Heart
Bonnie Tyler

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youre never coming round
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and Im lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know Ive got to get out and cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Theres nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Instrumental

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know youll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, but every now and then I know youll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres nothing any better and theres nothing I just wouldnt do
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

2007-04-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

Dear ___________

Things have changed ever since that day you dropped the bombshell on me. Yes, it was definitely very shocking and well, hurting to a certain extent. Words probably cannot describe what I'm feeling inside but somehow, the anger within is not focused on you but on myself. Since that very day, I have only got one thing to ask myself all the time. Why did I even let it happen?! I mean, I am old enough to know what I want but yet, I still let myself be so emotional all the time. So it's really not your fault. There isn't any tension I suppose. Yeps. =)

Love,
dora

It is back to work again tomorrow. It's not that I am not looking forward to going back to the office to do the things that I have to do because it will be more interesting this week, but I guess I just miss having to plan my time in a more flexible manner. Working means I won't be able to catch movies at a CHEAPER price or just chill at coffee joints. I wanna continue writing short stories for friends too. OH WELLS.

I suppose it is when you're working that you truly appreciate student life. I can't wait to get back to school and be a STUDENT again. Oh wells. I heard this song by Rod Stewart on my way home. Man I really dig into oldies. They are GOOD.

I don't Want To Talk About It
Rod Stewart

I can tell by your eyes that youve probably been cryin forever,
And the stars in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
Blue for the tears, black for the nights fears.
The star in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke this ol heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.

2007-04-21T09:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was definitely one of the worst days that I've experienced so far. Internship is getting more exciting as I am being assigned more tasks which includes purchsing shelving! I mean ok la, it's pretty cool that I get to shop for my department. Anyway, we had our department meeting yesterday and in my haste of going back to my office because I had quite a number of things to do, I nearly fell off the escalator as I was walking down. It was a good thing that I clung onto the handles for my dear life and I didn't fall.

Thank God for Deneuve when I had no one to go out with, she can be relied on. We went to watch Fracture after work and lo and behold, I kinda bumped into someone and his girlfriend. It shouldn't be a bad thing but of course I felt a bit wonky after seeing them. No, I am not jealous. Seriously. I am so not. Just that I don't know how to deal with such situations. I am like that whenever I see Yizhong and his girlfriend too. It's just weird. Period.

I've just been pigging out. EAT AND EAT AND EAT. I think it's an outlet for everything. I just eat. Oh wells.

Tears Dry On their Own
Amy Winehouse

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I had to get accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached,
It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I don’t understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many better things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,

So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry.

2007-04-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

Today must have been one of the most tiring day that I've experienced in a long time. Went to Boat Asia this morning with some of the Suntec staff and upon arrival, we met our charges, the children from Child@Street 11!!! They were so adorable!The innocence captured on their faces is just so overwhelming. The joy that they all have come from within and you know that it's genuine.

After presenting garlands to the GOH, CEO of the company and another gentleman, we brought the children around. Naturally they were so excited when they saw the jetski at the exhibition area and better still, the boats. They got onto the jetski in the end and of course, they were so excited.

Kids never fail to brighten up my day. Though it can be very exhausting to take care of them and entertain them, it's all worth it. These children don't come from well to do families but yet they are still happy.

Went back to office after the event. Was too tired to really do much but I was glad to have some time to have lunch with Karen. It was a time where we got to know each other and I think it helps in building the supervisor-intern relationship. Anyway, continued doing media clippings today.

I am definitely not looking forward to the upcoming weekend because I have nothing planned! Hmms....I better start getting used to not doing anything during the weekends. To usher in the weekend, I dropped my locker padlock on my toe. Seriously!!! Hai. Another working day tomorrow.

Artist: Hugh Grant Lyrics
Song: Don't Write Me Off Lyrics

It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants

And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

2007-04-18T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today was my third day of work. Wouldn't say that it is exciting or boring. Was tasked to do A LOT of media clippings today. Not that I'm complaining but I wish the photocopier would stop being so tough to use. HAHA. Shirin and Allison dropped by the office today because they came to fill up some forms. They're starting work on Monday which means I have lunch khakis!!! YIPPEE!! Karthi dropped by too. Quite surprising.

Finally got my computer in working order again which means I can now play music while I'm working! So with that, I started loading songs into my WMP. As usual, the songs on my playlist were rather well, got me into that mood where I know I cannot let it affect me anymore. In any case, I'm glad I pulled through the day without letting the mood affect me so much that I couldn't work.

Will be going to Sentosa tomorrow for the Boat Asia 2007 official opening. Rather excited because I don't know what to expect. In addition, we'll be bringing this group of children there. Can't wait to play with them.

Went to watch 'The Reaping' yesterday after work. I must say that the twist in the plot was rather clever.

I wish I wouldn't be affected by straying thoughts. I wish for a new life. I wish I wasn't that sentimental. I wish I hadn't make all those stupid mistakes in the past. I wish I hadn't taken my own sweet time to test the waters. Whatever it is, I wish that I am not me.

Take Me Away
Lifehouse

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(chorus)
Take me away
Take me away
Ive got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I dont know what else I can do
Cause Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(repeat chorus)

Dont give up on me yet
Dont forget who I am
I know Im not there yet
But dont let me stay here alone

Ive seen it all
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Ive seen enough
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(repeat chorus)
Take me away
Take me away

2007-04-16T21:36:00.000+08:00

I survived my first day of internship. It wasn't that bad after all. Spent the entire morning having orientation and I really never knew that the convention centre itself was so big! My feet are killing me from walking so much in my heels. Shook a lot (I really mean A LOT) of hands today, introducing myself to the other staff there. Met the rest of the department today and well, I was pleasantly surprised to meet my senior from secondary school. It probably pays that there is a familiar face.

Didn't do a lot in the office after orientation. Felt so bad because I was basically making them looking for things for me to do, otherwise I would have nothing to write in my log book for today. Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.

I think I'm evil. I keep uttering this prayer of mine that I wish God would answer. Aiya I hate this time of the day. I just get all emo again. The hour is becoming earlier and earlier as I sleep earlier to go to work. HAI.

What Hurts The Most
Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

2007-04-15T00:11:00.000+08:00

It was YZ's 8 anniversary celebrations yesterday. Believed everyone had great fun and I thank God that everything went smoothly. In a way, I am relieved that everything is over already. Wore my sister's dress to the party and everyone commented that I looked pretty - like a bridesmaid.

I've come to realise that even the prettiest dress or the nicest comments cannot make anyone happier when the person is not feeling too happy. I probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but well, maybe I'm just a sad person. Didn't eat much today either. I surely hope I'm not trying to kill myself.

Kaman's flying off in about 6 hours. You're a brave girl for going on this journey. I will miss you sooo much. Make sure you come back in one piece okae?? We went out with her on friday evening and we had a good time just chilling over dinner. She cried when we gave her the presents that we made..felt like crying along with her too. Nad's a funny girl who brightens up your day because of her innocence. Mel is the one who is the chirpy yet cute one in our clique whereas Zheng Ying takes the spot for the 'emo' kid with her make up. Huimin on the other hand, is just our resident cam whore. HAHAHAHAHA. I miss this group of girls. We gotta try to meet up during our SIP.

We're all embarking on this new journey which almost determines our future. I suppose it's an adventure being in the workforce for a solid 6 months but I believe we'll all pull through. I'm looking forward for meeting clients and all that is required of me during this internship. At least with a regular job, my mind wil be occupied.

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

2007-04-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

OMG. I JUST TYPED SOMETHING ON MY BLOGGER AND THE ENTIRE POST DISAPPEARED! ARGHS. I think it went something like today it's Friday the 13. Not like I should be bothered by this apparent jinxed day but apparently it's happening.

A striking question came about as I was talking to a friend just now. What on earth am I here for? Truthfully, I don't think we know the answer to that question except for God. God holds the keys to all these locks that we cannot unlock. I guess when the day comes for Him to answer all these questions, I will know the answer. In all honesty I do have a lot of unanswered questions. Questions that bother me from time to time. I guess I need to be patient and wait for the answers.

I'm in that shit emo mood again. I hate it that I'm emo. I hate it when emotions get the better of me. ARGHS. I just want to stop being me. Stop being so arghs. I don't know. I am starting to hate myself for it. I am afraid I will do something stupid spending too much time at home or being alone at home. SIGHS.

I wish I was the one going to China for my internship. I think time away from Singapore would do me some good. YIP! I DON"T WANT YOU TO GO TO CHINA!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I think I will miss this dear girl so much when she's there for 6 months. She's not even gone and I am missing her already. If not for her and my group of friends in poly who kept me so real and kept me in check, I would have gone crazy in this course.

I've got spray paint on my manicured nails. ARGHS. I'm in a shitty emo mood. SIGHS. Anyway, I was on my way to church today to do some stuff and I was listening to Take That. I totally agree with this song...

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost,
I'm feeling your frustration.
Any minute all the pain will stop.
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight,
don't be too hard on my emotions

Cause I need time.
My heart has no feeling.
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation.
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong. Believe me,
I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me.

Cause I need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,

Yeah, have a little patience, Yeah

Cause these scars run so deep,
It's been hard,
But I have to believe in me.

Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,

Woah, Cause I, I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,

Have a little patience,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing
just try and have a little... Patience

I don't want to be me. I want to be like a child whose concern is for herself, fun and food alone.

2007-04-12T12:15:00.000+08:00

So I spent more time with my dear cousin yesterday while running some errands and before meeting a friend for dinner. Been pigging out a lot with my cousin lately and obviously I haven't gone to the gym. Coco Pops has been my best friend for the past two weeks as I spend time at home. Chocolate is a form of therapy I realised.

It's going to be a long day ahead preparing for YZ Anniversary. I am still trying to work out who's coming and who's not. Wondering if I should extend the invitation to certain people. SIGHS.

I was just reading this story I wrote last year - a love story. It made me wonder what was going through my mind as I wrote the story. Was I hoping that the story would happen in reality or was I just living out a dream? For those of you who have the story in your possession, may it bring you insight on probably what's running through my head.

Am I a sad person? I would think so. Yet, I am glad that I have friends around me who care and lift me up in my darkest days. I'm thankful that they drive me crazy with their ideas of trying to get "revenge" in a bid to cheer me up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice but that wouldn't be the me that everyone knows. I can only pray to be stronger and to be brave.

2007-04-11T09:04:00.000+08:00

All our bags were packed and we were leaving the house toward the airport. We were going to leave for a flight to Perth for our very first holiday together. As we checked in and walked through the departure gates, you turned to me and said this was going to be the happiest time of our lives. I believed you, I believed that this time alone would do us good.

Touching down at Perth's International Airport, you grabbed my hand like a little boy and dashed toward the immigration. I knew you were excited and the excitment had rubbed off me. Gathering our bags, getting the rented car, we drove toward our accomodation.

During the two weeks there, we did many things. Visiting farms, picking strawberries, going to see penguins, snorkling, shopping, eating, going to the beach - just spending time with each other.

Unfortunately, it was only a dream, a dream that I made when I went to bed last night. I wished it was probably true but no when I awoke and found myself in my own room, I knew that it only happened in lala land. I don't want to cling on to anything or to even dream about. I just wish that I could sleep peacefully.

2007-04-08T20:15:00.000+08:00

It's easter sunday and we are suppose to be rejoicing for the Lord our God conquered death on this day to sit at the right hand of God. I headed down to my dad's church today because my sister was getting confirmed. My dad was speaking about how because God lives, we live too. If someone traspassed against me and I feel hurt, God will heal the pain and mend the broken heart. When my dad mentioned that line, I knew I was going to crumble once again. It's so uncanny that God chose to use my dad to speak today and on this particular topic. Though my parents may not know anything, God had just used them to speak to me.

I can't wait to start SIP though I think I would die there. I pray that I would be able to assimilate into the work culture there. I pray that friends would call me out for lunch while I'm working or dinner after work. HAHAHA. Josiah if you're reading this, NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR OUR MEALS BECAUSE I"M EARNING $60 MORE THAN YOU.

Oh wells.

2007-04-07T22:01:00.000+08:00

I just watched a show all about faith, about forgiveness and most importantly, about love. These are the words that I would use to describe A Walk to Remember - the one show that I can watch over and over again but never get sick off. It's all about knowing what we really want in life I suppose and how God would make all these happen.

The beautiful words that were uttered in the dialogue of the movie are etched on my mind, leaving me little room to wonder what kind of love they actually shared. It brought to mind what we were discussing about during bible study today. What is the one thing that would lead us to walk away from God? Mandy Moore in the show said that she had no reason to be angry with God for inflicting her with illness and the probability of dying even before she can see the world. Then I asked myself, would I be so calm and trust God entirely?

I was probably afraid to admit it that if God's plan were for me to remain single for the rest of my life, I would find it difficult to stick with God. It may be the lamest reason on earth but this is really what I think would draw me away from Him. I'm afraid of being left alone. Anyway, I will not let this thought rule my head.

Life is all about ironies. When we were younger, we wish we would grow up. Now that we're older, we wish that we're younger. When we're busy, we wish that we would be more relaxed and vice versa. I wish that I was a kid now where the only things that would bother me would be having too much fun and just enjoying life. I really want that at this point in time. I want to be able to sleep well and to eat well and not be plagued by more sleepless nights or lost of appetites.

2007-04-06T21:19:00.000+08:00

I just did this colorgenics thing that I found on a dear friend's blog and here is what it says about me:

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

How true are the words of this test! Oh wells.

2007-04-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

This was one of the songs that I heard while watching american idol just yesterday. I suppose the words are meaningful enough at this point in time. It should most probably be my anthemn each time I feel like crap.

Met Ally and Wx for lunch today. I thank God for you guys to be there when I was feeling like crap. Thanks Wx for telling me that if no one is there to take care of me, you as my kor would. It was heartening as I sat there, stoning through lunch. It's been a tough time, a tough morning but you guys made the effort to make me feel better.

Our conversation led to us acknowledging that the words, I Love You, are so sacred that should only be uttered when we are serious enough about a person and know that the person is the one that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. As mentioned before, words are the most important tools that we al can use.

I like to dream. To dream of things that would make me feel happy, to dream of situations that would excite me, to dream of you and me. I wonder what makes a dream come true. Do we have to fight for our own happiness or let it slip pass? I don't know.

It's Good Friday tomorrow and it seems that I'm not able to worship Him as much as I want. My heart is burdened and it's the truth.

2007-04-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

I want to tell you how I feel but I don't know how to. Many unanswered questions in my mind but I want to know if it's hard being friends because somehow I get the feeling that it is that hard for you. Let me know, because if it's hard, I will walk away and let you go.

2007-04-04T22:03:00.000+08:00

I just got home from church and I wonder how strong I was during service because I knew I was about to break down and cry while hearing the message brought to us by God through Dr. David Howard.

I wonder if I would ever be able to be so humble to wash the feet of those who come into my house and be able to love those whom have sinned against me. To love them with the love that God has for them is truly difficult though not impossible. Will I ever be able to lay down my life for the sake of those who are around me? I don't possess the courage that the people have. In fact, I think I am a coward. A coward who cannot face up honestly to what I'm feeling because I want to take the easy way out.

This morning was a time which I kinda dread because I knew I was heading to the beach to film something for school. The beach is a place that I don't really want to go to at the moment even though it can be the most beautiful place to be at. I thought I was going to cry when I was there but I didn't.

With the blue sea and the clear sky, I just wished that I was there not because of filming but there to enjoy myself, to enjoy the company.

2007-04-03T11:15:00.000+08:00

If there's anything that I can pray for now is to be able to sleep and to wake up feeling good and not like feeling my insides are going to come out any minute. Is this intuition ever going to stop? I hate it when I feel something but nothing happens because I will keep feeling the weird thing all day long or even for days. My left eye is twitching even harder than before and I wish that it would stop.

I wish I can live my life as though nothing has happened. To love like I've never been hurt before. I kick myself in the ass wondering why I still like to watch my romance drama especially My Lovely Samsoon even though I've watched it so many times. What's worse, I wish that I had the romance they are having. JUST SHOOT ME. I want to be happy, to be free.

I pray for an iron heart. A heart that is hard yet mallable so that I won't be that emotional or hurt. I wish that I can't feel anything. I wish that my intuition is wrong half of the time.

2007-04-02T23:59:00.001+08:00

Dance, like nobody is watching you.
Love, like you've never been hurt.
Sing, like nobody is listening you.
Work, like you don't need money.
Live, like today is the last day to live.

-Alfred. D. suja.

2007-04-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

I tried so very hard to erase

all the things in my head

I tried so very hard to pick

up the pieces and

stick them back with my

best friend

Yet there's this thing in me

which is holding me back

No idea what it is but

I know I wanna be strong again

I wanna lead my life like

I have never done before

So give me the strength to

push on once again

2007-04-02T16:54:00.000+08:00

Ever woke up in the morning feeling like your head is spinning, your insides are going to come out of your mouth because somehow you feel like something bad is going to happen? I woke up feeling this way this morning and even worse after i stepped out of the movie theatre.

Shirin stayed over last night. Thanks for coming over girl. I know you wanted to make sure that I was alright and to get me out of the house. So because she stayed over, she had planned our activities which was suppose to be watching chick flicks so that I could probably cry my eyes out and then fall asleep because I'll be too tired. In the end, the movie that we watched at home was just so crappy we took more interest in the conversations I was having online. I figured that both Chuanyao and Shirin had a great time agreeing about stuff.

Anyway, we decided to leave the house this morning to catch a chick flick which probably made me feel more terrible than before. The couple that was sitting next to me was just making out from the time that they sat down even when the lights were still on. Then came these ladies who were doing some commentry and phone calls. I seriously couldn't enjoy myself sitting there. I would love to watch the movie again.

I've come to the conclusion that chick flicks aren't technically the best shows you watch when you are in need of some form of therapy because couples would sit next to you doing god knows what. I mean hell ya, it's dark enough that no one would notice I suppose but hey since you paid money can't you be more considerate to the poor soul sitting next to you. Sighs. No I am not jealous because I didn't watch it with a boyfriend. I am just peeved.

I left the cinema feeling even more like crap and somehow I was thankful that I was coming back to my quiet home to find the solace and peace. Somewhere I know that I can just lie on my bed and stone. My bus journey home wasn't too pleasant either because I literally felt like my insides were coming out.

Sighs. What's there more that I can do when I'm not letting my mind run wild? What else can I say to make things right again?

2007-04-01T22:23:00.000+08:00

I Hate Myself For Loving You

(Joan Jett/Desmond Child)

Midnight gettin' uptight Where are you
You said you'd meet me now it's quarter to two
I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you

Hey Jack It's a fact they're talkin' in town
I turn my back and you're messin' around
I'm not really jealous don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you

Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin, say forget it just for spite

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you, that's why
I hate myself for loving you

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you

I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you

2007-03-31T01:51:00.000+08:00

I feel like screaming liar in your face. I feel like calling you names. But I won't do so because it's just not in my character to say that. I can scream all I want in my heart, I can cry all I want and wet my pillow but no, I will not do so.

The logical side of me has set in and I think I knew it was coming. I prayed one day that you'll move on and truly you did, at the worst possible time. I think myself silly for even entertaining thoughts of wanting to give you the chance.

The knowledge I have about God's perspective of relationships has to travel 12cm to my heart to fight the battle of logic versus emotions. Yes, it's just me to give in to my emotions and think beyond what I should be thinking of.

Go ahead friends, reprimend me all you want, go ahead and say I TOLD U SO. But hey, I'm okae. LOGIC IS RULING MY HEAD.

OH. So just you know, I detest liars because emotionally I get all torn up inside.

2007-03-31T00:48:00.000+08:00

Love is a foolish thing. It makes people do the sillest of things for the other person, it causes one to lose control of oneself emotionally at times. Yet, we all still fall in love one time or another. When we are at this age of seeing our friends getting attached, we want to jump in the bandwagon to follow suite. Some may look for flings, thinking that it is fun whereas there are some of us who won't because we would get emtionally attached to the person.

Relationships are the stepping stone toward us growing up and learning more about this thing called love. My bestie had asked me to re-read the book "I kissed Dating Goodbye". It's all about dating only when I am ready for marriage. Truth be told, all my life I wanted to marry young and I always wanted a relationship to last a few years before progressing toward marriage. Relationships are so fragile because we change with the times. What may interest us today, may not interest us tomorrow and this can be applied toward relationships as well. Seriously, the person whom we think is THE ONE may not be THE ONE for us tomorrow. We cannot make up our minds. Hence, my wanting to be in a relationship for a couple of years first before marriage.

You know when they say opposite attracts, I truly wonder if this statement is true. You see, being too different from the other person creates tension and when there's tension, things cannot be accomplished. We weren't be able to fully trust each other because of our emotional make up and we might just end up being hurt at the end of the day.

Much as I say I am leaving it to God to send me THE ONE, in my heart I always pray that THE ONE would appear soon. It's not easy to say that my plans are the plans that God has planned for me because I'm truly unsure of that. Walking in tandem with God would help ease the anxieties and uncertainties but I always ask myself, would I be obedient enough to follow the path that has been laid before me.

God's perspective of dating should be my perspective as well. As I find the right words to utter to the different people, I pray that when the time comes for me when the knot within my hurt to be undone, we will all be willing to follow what God has to say to us. Yes, waiting can be a pain but please be patient because slowly but surely, God's plan for what we are praying about would be answered in time to come. Let's open our eyes and ears toward God - He talks to us. I believe and trust that He will to you too.

2007-03-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

Throught It All

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn on love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallejuah, Hallejuah
Hallejuah, Hallejuah

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn on love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Throught it all

2007-03-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

I struggle to find the words that would express the feelings I have bottled within me. I wanna tell you how I really feel because it's a pain to keep everything inside but yet, I wonder if our friendship is strong enough to withstand whatever I am going to say. *SIGHS* I really wonder.

Words are the worst enemies or your best friend in situations like these. You see, if words not chosen carefully would mean that you could lose your friend due to the insensitivity or because it was just purely the wrong thing to say. WORDPLAY is the worst game anyone can play.

Words can the most beautiful things that one can use to brighten someone's day too. Some time or another we would receive little cards, letters, SMSes that just bring a smile to our faces. Just as I browse through my inboxes of my mobile phones, I find these messages that I have saved because of the words that they carry. You know, some times words do make one feel very special too.

So are you my best friend or worst foe? I really don't know. Words will always be a BIG part of our lives but for now, I just wish I have the right words to say.

stardust

Mandy Moore - I Wanna Be With You Lyrics

Artist: Hugh Grant LyricsSong: Don't Write Me Off Lyrics

Artist: Hugh Grant Lyrics
Song: Don't Write Me Off Lyrics