Yawns
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
♥ 23:28
Exams are coming!!!! It's like I only have a few more days to go before the exams start proper! PANIC MOOD! Guess I really have nothing much to blog about since I have been busy studying. Shall blog more when I have the time and mood.
Frustrated!
Monday, August 29, 2005
♥ 00:04
Haven't blogged for a couple of days due to the busy schedule I had over the weekend. School's finally out...though not officially since the exams are starting next week. I haven't really started studying yet and since it is my first examination since I entered poly, I really want to do well!I hope I can do well for my papers though because I am sure that my coursework grades are just mediocre. Sighs..
Was at the committee retreat over the weekend, planning for the theme for Youtzone next year. We came up with the theme "Strangers of the World, Lovers of the Living God". Seems quite powerful and challenging. Hopefully the youths would be challenged to live differently as the world lives and really stand up to proclaim that the are Lovers of the Living God. Many things happened during the retreat that caused much frustration and anger. Policies that have ran the discipleship programme while that ran alongside YZ were to be changed and it was not because of the things we talked about but because the Chairman felt that another committee was not doing anything and therefore should take over the secondary one students when the enter the youth group so as to be able to assess them. But is there really such a need to do so especially since the policy has seen results? What more when you are wrongly accused of being old fashioned and not being able to accept changes? I was mad! I have never felt more insulted by my chairman. After all there were many pressing issues that followed after what he wanted to change in D comm. I mean why make life more miserable when it is already tough trying to cope with it?
Nobody said that serving God was easy but it makes things even harder when you are working with a group of stubborn people. No one is born in such a way that they will always give way when placed in a situation where a group of people would have to make decisions. People will compromise after much argument but sometimes is that necessary? It seems like people are passing judgements before they see the true picture and furthermore, think that they are always in the right and don't want to hear from people who are in the picture and can give them a clearer picture. Why?!
Dear God, please guide me as I continue to seek Your will for this comm that D comm will be a comm that runs in accordance to Your will and not mine. That DGLs would come to You and seek your will for their DG, that the comm would continue to be a support pillar behind, praying and guiding them. Pray that You will grant us the wisdom when we are looking for the new materials and as we continue to review the plans that have already been put in place. Give me a burden for this comm, that when I feel tired or weary, I know that this is Your will for me, to mould and hone me to be a better servant for you. Amen
Heaven's will?
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
♥ 09:35
I woke up feeling terrible. The serial programme that I have been watching had the characters saying things that I least wanted to hear this morning. I shed the tears that I have been wanting to shed since hearing the words last night. Watching the show, seeing how the female lead was hurt knowing the truth about the guy she loves, i couldn't help but just cry along with her.
I don't want our friendship to be ruined because of how I am feeling now. I hate to know that I am the the last to know what was happening in your life but I guess what I really didn't want to know was that you like another girl. The emotional hurt and turmoil that I am going through now, no one can fanthom. Maybe only those who have gone through it before.
Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't allow me to move on in life. It was not easy to get myself back on my own two feet and leading a life that centers around serving Him and doing my part in school. I know that I said before that I would not look for the guy on my own but rely on God to send the best person to me. Though I try to live by my convictions, it's not easy to walk my talk.
God, are you trying to tell me something now? Am I to stay single all my life just to fulfil the purpose you have for me?
Feeling Hurt...
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
♥ 23:56
I just got off the phone with someone, learnt about some things that has been happening since last week. As much as I felt upset hearing about what happened, I tried to sound like I was ok over the phone because I didn't want the person to feel even worse than he was feeling already.
I know that it was for the good of me that you didn't want to tell me anything but the fact that you did added to the pain that I was feeling after hearing what you had to say. I already knew I didn't stand a chance for my gut had already told me so and I really should have trusted it.
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!
count my blessings?
Monday, August 22, 2005
♥ 21:56
As I walked at the underpass while on my way back from Orchard today, both Jordan and I could not help but notice this frail old lady sitting in her wheelchair begging for money. My heart was sadden to see the sight because I knew that I did not have the material wealth to help her. I couldn't help but wonder why did she have to sit there and beg if she had a family whom she could rely on? Why did God allow such a frail old woman not to be able to enjoy life after going through so much in her life?
But as we continued to walk, Jordan reminded me that God probably let me see the woman to remind me how blessed I am, being able to enjoy life comfortably. I would not want my parents to suffer such a fate, afterall they had done so much to provide for the family.
Went out to celebrate Jianhorng, Mikhtam and Joel's birthday today at NYDC. Had a good time of fellowship coupled with a good time of laughs, teasing and eating. We were saddened to hear that because of the unwillingness of the armed forces to grant JH a deferment that now he is unable to go ahead with the mission trip that he has been planning for. However, maybe God is using this time to hone his skills even more so that he would be more ready for the challenges that lie ahead for him.
Though I saw you today, we didn't talk much. The teasing was harmless but I wished the person that was teased together with you was me. I guess I shouldn't let it affect me that much but I can't help but think of it. HAIX! Should I still count my blessings?
Would I really know the difference?
♥ 08:26
I finally opened up to a friend of mine to tell him how I have been feeling recently. I guess I really need to hear from a guy's point of view about what I should do about the situation that I've been in. No matter how hard I've prayed or no matter what my gut has been telling me, I have been confused.
Even though talking to my friend didn't bring about any conclusion, he did say something that struck me. He said that if a guy likes me even though we have been friends, he would treat me differenetly and I would be able to spot the difference. But if he did liked me before and I didn't even notice the difference, would I be able to spot it again when the time comes?
I'm confused, battered and drained from the emotional turmoil. Sometimes I wish that I have never gotten myself into so much shit, but would the feelings go away? Sigh.
Uncertain of myself
Sunday, August 21, 2005
♥ 22:56
I am facing a lot of uncertainties for many questions about my life is surfacing right before my eyes and I am unsure of myself. What am I here for? What have I been doing all these while? Why is God putting so many obstacles in my life time and time again? So many questions yet the answers are so difficult to find.
As far as I know, God created me for a purpose and that purpose is to go out there and share His word to the unsaved. But along the way as I try to fulfil His ultimate purpose for me and I go around serving in YZ in different areas, there are so many obstacles that I face which causes me to feel at times, emotional, mentally and physically drained. I feel like I am always racing against my 24 hours that God has given to me. Dealing with people was never easy because we have our own set of personal beliefs and convictions, therefore leading people to have disagreements. No matter how one party tries to step back and let the other party have his way, there will be someone that will push the truth out of you. One good example would be during today's camp comm meeting where I was made to share with everybody about my unhappiness regarding someone's role in the comm. It is not easy to come clean with how you are feeling and all because it will offend someone when that was never your intention. But I guess it's all part of the learning experience.
All these things about love sometimes can really drive one to their moments of despair, where they start to question why they are feeling this way. I never knew the pain of a heartbreak could be so unbearable till I experienced it for myself and took a long time to heal from the emotional hurt. No matter how long or how hard it is, the past relationship is somehow etched in your mind in some corner and there will be times where these memories will surface. When this happens, I always ask myself why can't I completely forget this person and why still think about the past when I should be moving on. But moving on was never easy either. The emotional wound is still so raw even though you think that you are ready for another relationship. The fear of being rejected again is so great that sometimes it deters someone from jumping into another relationship.
Yet there are times when you feel that the person that God has given you is the "Right One", your own gut tells you that he will not reciprocate your feelings, it can be quite despairing. Many times when you think that you have found your right one, he may be the one that shatters your heart into millons of pieces. There will also be times when the feelings for this person grows so deep that you know how hurt you will be when you finally learn the truth that he may not have the same feelings for you. Why do God let such things happen in our lives? Is this suppose to be part of our growing process too?
Coming from me, I may sound like a hypocrite but I have been through the joy and the pains of being in love. The break-up wore me out and in the end, tore me into shreds that it took me so long to heal. But through the process of healing, my convictions about relationships change and I learn to deal with my emotions. I've too mastered the courage to face up to the feelings that I have been having for the past three years.
It is not easy being in a situation where you want to be clean with someone about how you feel about the person especially when your gut is telling you that the answer would not be something you want to hear. One feels like you are in so much turmoil. However, you think since this feelings have been with you for three long years and it's time that you finally face up to them, taking it as a sign from God, shouldn't you have the courage to tell the person how you feel no matter what the consequence is? It's confusing and tormenting to even think about it but is that not the right thing to do?
I'm confused...in pain...in turmoil...All I can ask is that God give me the wisdom to do the things that I am supposed to do.
Bleahx!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
♥ 20:24
Went to see the doctor today about my swollen gums. Well the diagnosis was not mumps but just a gum infection. Now, I have to take so many kinds of medication.
Hmmx...due to the fact that I went to visit the doctor's today, I didn't go to school. I guess it was a good thing too since I managed to rest at home and catch up on some sleep. Had a weird dream though...sighx...Moreover, today we finally handed in the last of our major projects. YAYS! Hope that I can finally get a good night's rest from now on.
ARGHHHH!!! Exams are like 2 weeks away! Time really passes very quickly when you are so busy in school. Now that I have quit the band, I finally have time for myself too. It'll be study study study time soon till the exams are over!
I miss you so much! Seeing your nick online, I feel so helpless because I can't help you with much except to hear your troubles and just advice you based on what I hear. I've been in your shoes before about being all confused about everything. Are you confused about me since your conversation with Jocelyn on Sunday? Sighx.. all I can say is pray and hope that everything is fine.
The Whole Friggin World is So IRRITATING
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
♥ 23:06
It seems like the entire friggin world is getting attached. It's so irritating to see them everywhere you go, whether in school, at the bus stop...everywhere! Somehow it is like we are in a world where everyone seems to be in love but you are the only one that is not. So irritatin!
I came home like super late because of the project that my group was doing...kana chased out of the lab at about 9.30 but we finally finished our Marketing plan...
too tired to say anymore...shall blog tml...
Terrible of all sorts.
Monday, August 15, 2005
♥ 21:11
It has been a terrible start to the week. Woke up super early in the morning because I couldn't sleep anymore. I mean how shit can that be when I didn't have enough sleep the previous week? Haix... Den when I wanted to print my notes for this week, my computer gave me some shit problems that I still can't solve. I'm stuck with the problem and still can't print them. Haix! Went to school, stoned before going in for lecture. Typed some notes with the powerpoint slides den closed the thing without saving what I did. How stupid can I be? ARGHS!
I was so distracted the whole time I was awake. Couldn't help but keep thinking of what has happened over the last week. All the conversations that I've held with my close friends still ring in my head. I have no idea why I'm thinking about all these when I'm so busy trying to meet deadlines in school. Haix!
Life ain't easy. It just gets tougher as you grow older.
I have my moments too
Sunday, August 14, 2005
♥ 20:30
I have my moments too when I feel like throwing in the towel and giving everything up, church, school and relatioships. Sometimes when life is so tough, one just wonders, what are all these things that I have to do got to do with my life.
As I go to church week in week out and realise the number of things that I would have to do for the Discipleship committee to help in the growth of our younger ones, I really wonder: "What is God using me to do for this ministry? Why are things so tough at this precise moment?" DGs are like the livewire for the youth group and it's where the youths really experience God, fellowship with their fellow brothers and sisters in-Christ. But why are there so many problems? I know that it's human nature but it is tough as it is to get everything running smoothly and I certainly do not need any additional problems.
Exams are coming up in school. Fianlly made up my mind about quitting the band and now I'm completely immersing myself in completing all the projects that I have on hand. CCA has become a thing of the past in my life and now all I want to do is get good grades and hope that I can still get that scholarship that I'm aiming for. Though it was a tough decision to make since I love music so much, I knew that I had done the right because I want to concentrate fully in serving God and studying.
As the days pass, my feelings grow but I too know the answer I would get if I took the chance.. I don't want to risk getting hurt again but the feelings at times are so unbearable that maybe the truth will bring me back to reality.It hurts to know the truth but I guess we all need to face up to it.
Exhausted!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
♥ 21:52
I'm tired. Was doing project the whole of this afternoon and only managed to leave school about 8 pm. I finally messaged the relevant people about my decision on quitting the band. I feared so much only to receive the grace of God and helping my seniors understand the pressure that I am feeling. Though I will miss making music but I guess this is the decision that I have to make so that I can do well in school.
I'm like totally drained from doing the media and society project. It's like my brain is going to be burnt from all the thinking and stuff. I guess I can't blame anyone for feeling like this since I was the one who chose to do this course. Even though I love studying the course I chose, it is so demanding and it's also out of practicality. Oh wells.
To someone: Where are you today?
Dilema
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
♥ 21:36
There are so many times in life that we have to make decisions and at that precise moment when we feel lost and helpless, somehow there will be people that will encourage and spur us on. However at this moment, I really don't know what to do. It's so hard to open my mouth to tell my seniors how I really feel about quiting band because of my commitments in church and because school is not getting any easier. People always say that being the freshie, there's no reason why we should be so busy but have they actually been in my shoes? It's not easy being in my course because the demands are so different. I feel like I'm racing against my 24 hours everyday and I'm beginning to feel exhausted. I don't have enough time to rest and there are so many things in my mind that is bothering me. How am I to enjoy making music? Moreover I'm not happy in the band. I feel like I'm only contributing to the noise rather than playing music. Seeing the conductor's frustrated face every time he comes for practice is so disappointing and really it's not a pleasure to be there. There'a band practice tomorrow but I don't know how to tell my seniors that I won't be going due to my heavy commitments with my projects. What am I to do now?!
School is getting harder to cope with. Yes, though I'm studying the field that I always want to be in but the projects and assignments that I'm given are so tough to cope with. It's like there is not enough time to do all of it and really it's becoming a chore thinking of all the projects that I have to do with my group. It's not like we don't have our own commitments in our lives. There are so many things that we want to do. I'm tired. Very tired. Can I please quit band now? Can someone give me the strength to tell them how I really feel?
To You: Seeing you week in week out is taking a toll on me because I try so hard to conceal my feelings for you. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of my selfish ways. I don't know how much longer I can handle the feelings that are within me but I promise myself that I will try my best not to hurt you or me because of my desire to tell you the truth about how I feel. It's only here that I dare to speak of the truth because I know that you will never read this lil blog of mine. I love you!
Burnt!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
♥ 22:25
My skin is red! Seriously RED! Was made to sit under the scorching sun at Tampines today while waiting for the National Day Parade to start so that we can play the drums. Seriously another day where I wasted time...could have used the time to catch up on some sleep and prepare some stuff for school...haix...
Caught the fireworks display and I was sad. Sad because I couldn't share that moment with someone special. Sad because it brought back memories. I nearly cried while I was there. The pain was too much to bear... I don't want to risk the friendship but it's getting even harder as time progresses....WHY?!!! What am I suppose to do?
Why can't the poly give us an additional day of holiday?! Dun wanna go to school tomorrow...especially since i have to go so early for project...sighs....
I so hate a number of people
Monday, August 08, 2005
♥ 22:27
Hmmx let's see today went to school for lecture and then after that reluctantly went for the NDP thingy... Really wished that I hadn't gone for it in the first place. It's like a total waste of my time and it was so embarassing to be there with a group of people that behaved worse than primary school kids. So much for asking us to set the example since we were one of the older people there.
I think I have a thing against a certain group of people. The always seem to piss me off real bad and I mean real bad larx...the kind where you feel like killing them. Oh wells...may God forgive me for the way I'm feeling and help get this group of people not to piss people off that badly!
I'm dying! Dying of feeling uncertainty in my life and the aimlessness whether I should follow what my heart says and believe that it is what God is telling me, or continue to hold back even longer. Oh wells. I really don't know what to do. Seeing that person makes me wanna tell him how I really feel but yet I don't want to put our friendship to the test. Sighx...What am I to do?!
bleahs
Sunday, August 07, 2005
♥ 15:51
I'm so not in the mood to do anything! Arghs! I no longer want to play for the National Day thing! HOW HOW HOW?! Sighx...exams are coming...so much to study for...so lil time...bleahs
I'm thinking of quitting band...but CCA is so impt esp when I want to get into Uni....in a terrible dilema right now... i feel like i'm no longer enjoying myself when i play music...i feel like i've lost my passion!I'm practically forcing myself to go for band prac...what am i to do?
Went for Festival of Praise on Friday night...it was fantastic except when the pastors were speaking...didn't really like the way the spoke...felt really awkward...the singing was good...i've never worshipped God this way...I really felt his presence while we were singing...the songs really ministered to me! =)
damns...there's school tml...i dun wanna go...sighx...
Bad Bad Day
Thursday, August 04, 2005
♥ 23:59
It was a super terrible day larx...I was suppose to bring my marketing journal to school for submission today and seriously I forgot to bring it to school because I was too caught up with baking the brownies for CCN day later. So had to like rush home and get it larx..den go back in time for lecture. And on my way to school carrying all the brownies, it had to friggin rain! And since my hands were so full, I couldn't carry an umbrella! So I had to walk in the rain and guess wad..I had make-up on...arghs..like how bad can the day be larx!
But I guess all was well when I went to meet Karthi, Chuan Yao and Jocelyn in town after school. Went to watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". It is a fantastic show! Johnny Depp is such a good actor...seriously he should be winning all the oscars and academy awards. Hmm..shan't spoil the fun for those who haven't watched the show yet. But go catch it. It's worth the money that you spend. Anyway, Joce and Karthi were teasing me and Chuan Yao endlessly! Seriously I don't mind the teasing...after all it made the outing more fun rite?! haha...anyways he's really a nice guy but ya...i'm just making that as a statement...no hidden intentions!
On the topic of hidden intentions...I guess I've been dropping a lot of hints to the guy I like recently. I kinda think he knows already because it;s kinda obvious. Honestly, I really hope that something happens between the both of us though I said that I would not want to get attached. But sometimes when the going gets tough, one would wish that there would be the person that loves you to be there. I'm in the situation now. Life is getting really tough especially since school work is piling up and the exams are approaching in just a matter of weeks. Sighs! So lil time, so many things to do.
God what am I suppose to do?
In a world of my own
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
♥ 21:32
I was just listening to Corrinne May and many thoughts formed in my mind. Will I ever be like the girl in the songs, having the courage to tell the guy i love how i truly feel? Though I did mention that I won't waste the time of my life waiting for the right guy, sometimes I just wanna feel loved. When things get bad at home, when lonliness sets in, I always long for someone to be here for me. Just like wad Shirin said the other time, sometimes it just helps that there is someone physically there and not just hearing the person's voice or chatting on msn.
Life isn't a bed of roses. School's getting so tough that it has become a place where I fight with my own consconcious whether I should go for lessons or not. I know that it is wrong to think this way, but when you are really up to your neck in assignments and projects and having classmates that seriously don't co-operate with you, the pressure is really unbearable. It is times like these that school is such a terrible place to be in. So what if one has friends there, they are just so superficial. It's not like those friends whom you can share you life with. Somehow I really regret not going to Ngee Ann Poly. The thought of not being able to hang out with my really close friends still haunt me. sighx...
God what am I suppose to do?
