I feel like screaming liar in your face. I feel like calling you names. But I won't do so because it's just not in my character to say that. I can scream all I want in my heart, I can cry all I want and wet my pillow but no, I will not do so.

The logical side of me has set in and I think I knew it was coming. I prayed one day that you'll move on and truly you did, at the worst possible time. I think myself silly for even entertaining thoughts of wanting to give you the chance.

The knowledge I have about God's perspective of relationships has to travel 12cm to my heart to fight the battle of logic versus emotions. Yes, it's just me to give in to my emotions and think beyond what I should be thinking of.

Go ahead friends, reprimend me all you want, go ahead and say I TOLD U SO. But hey, I'm okae. LOGIC IS RULING MY HEAD.

OH. So just you know, I detest liars because emotionally I get all torn up inside.

Love is a foolish thing. It makes people do the sillest of things for the other person, it causes one to lose control of oneself emotionally at times. Yet, we all still fall in love one time or another. When we are at this age of seeing our friends getting attached, we want to jump in the bandwagon to follow suite. Some may look for flings, thinking that it is fun whereas there are some of us who won't because we would get emtionally attached to the person.

Relationships are the stepping stone toward us growing up and learning more about this thing called love. My bestie had asked me to re-read the book "I kissed Dating Goodbye". It's all about dating only when I am ready for marriage. Truth be told, all my life I wanted to marry young and I always wanted a relationship to last a few years before progressing toward marriage. Relationships are so fragile because we change with the times. What may interest us today, may not interest us tomorrow and this can be applied toward relationships as well. Seriously, the person whom we think is THE ONE may not be THE ONE for us tomorrow. We cannot make up our minds. Hence, my wanting to be in a relationship for a couple of years first before marriage.

You know when they say opposite attracts, I truly wonder if this statement is true. You see, being too different from the other person creates tension and when there's tension, things cannot be accomplished. We weren't be able to fully trust each other because of our emotional make up and we might just end up being hurt at the end of the day.

Much as I say I am leaving it to God to send me THE ONE, in my heart I always pray that THE ONE would appear soon. It's not easy to say that my plans are the plans that God has planned for me because I'm truly unsure of that. Walking in tandem with God would help ease the anxieties and uncertainties but I always ask myself, would I be obedient enough to follow the path that has been laid before me.

God's perspective of dating should be my perspective as well. As I find the right words to utter to the different people, I pray that when the time comes for me when the knot within my hurt to be undone, we will all be willing to follow what God has to say to us. Yes, waiting can be a pain but please be patient because slowly but surely, God's plan for what we are praying about would be answered in time to come. Let's open our eyes and ears toward God - He talks to us. I believe and trust that He will to you too.

Throught It All

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn on love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallejuah, Hallejuah
Hallejuah, Hallejuah

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn on love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Throught it all

I struggle to find the words that would express the feelings I have bottled within me. I wanna tell you how I really feel because it's a pain to keep everything inside but yet, I wonder if our friendship is strong enough to withstand whatever I am going to say. *SIGHS* I really wonder.

Words are the worst enemies or your best friend in situations like these. You see, if words not chosen carefully would mean that you could lose your friend due to the insensitivity or because it was just purely the wrong thing to say. WORDPLAY is the worst game anyone can play.

Words can the most beautiful things that one can use to brighten someone's day too. Some time or another we would receive little cards, letters, SMSes that just bring a smile to our faces. Just as I browse through my inboxes of my mobile phones, I find these messages that I have saved because of the words that they carry. You know, some times words do make one feel very special too.

So are you my best friend or worst foe? I really don't know. Words will always be a BIG part of our lives but for now, I just wish I have the right words to say.

I wonder what else I can do in the last 3 weeks of my holiday. I am bored out of my wits and no I am still planning stuff for church so technically speaking, it's not as though there's nothing to do. I miss my old routine of being so busy with school. I must be mad eh?! Oh wells.

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

As I lay awake in my bed
last night
I couldn't help but wonder
why
Why am I feeling this way
God tell me why
Why do they leave
Why do they leave me hanging
here wondering
if there's something wrong
with me
I can never find the answer
even as I toss in bed
So Lord please tell me why

I'm needy tonight
Waiting for someone right
To hold me tight
And tell me everything is going to
be alright

I may not understand
All the emotions that I'm feeling
But I just want to let it all out
To cry and tell myself
everything is going to be alright

I may not have the courage
To show the world the real me
To show the me that seeks
for the love that everyone needs
That night after night
I ask myself,
Will I always be alone at night

I know that God is there for me
but yet, possessing the faith
that believes in things I cannot see
is taking it's toil on me
especially in ways I
know it shouldn't

Oh Lord, help me understand
Help me to see your plan
Help to me rely on your love
that Lord I won't be so needy
tonight and forever

Bearing full knowledge that
You will never stop
loving me like how the others have
That Lord, you are the reliable
one that I can always run to
To lend me the shoulder
To lend me the ears
In my most desperate times

I want to be patient
but my patience is wearing thin
For Lord, the loneliness is killing me
Save me from all these.

YOUTH SUNDAY IS OVER! I praise God for all that has happened today, for giving me the confidence and peace as I led worship today. =) The only bummer thing now is that I'm coughing.... this is so horrible.

Anyway, there's nothing much going on except for the fact that I've gotten back my results which weren't too favourable. It got me all flustered and upset. Oh wells. I just wish things will be easier.

MICHAEL BUBLE LYRICS

"You And I"

Here we are
On earth together
It's you and I
God has made us fall in love
It's true
I've really found
Someone like you
Will it stay
The love you feel for me
Will you say
That you will be by my side
To see me through
Until my life is through
Well in my mind
We can conquer the world
In love you and I
You and I, you and I...
I'm glad
At least in my life
I've found someone
That may not be here forever
To see me through
But I found strength in you
Cause in my mind
You will stay here always
In love you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I
In my mind
We can conquer the world
In love you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I...

Where I like it best

I wanted to pray
I wanted to let you go on your way
I wanted to know why they laid there
Dying in the streets next to the restaurant
Where people were eating and yes
I wanted to pray

How do you pray in a world like this
You know, I see the people on TV
And they close their eyes and they bow their heads
And they say "Let us pray"
And it feels so cold and meaningless
And I wanted to pray
And I said
Tell me father
Tell me mother
Heavenly mother
And they said

When you pray
Pray alone by yourself
In the secret room of your heart
Don't go out into the church filled with people and pray
God hears every secret that you say
See all those people praying on TV and the churches
They like to make a big parade out of what they're doing
They think God hears them louder if they say it
Over and over and over and over and over again

But I say, God, but I say this
You are the prayer
Your eyes are the prayer
Your hand on your cheek
You are the prayer
Those words you want to speak
They are the prayer
That dance you make
When you're by yourself
Just before your mother calls you on the phone
You are the prayer
I tell you what
You gotta take it back from them
Because the prayers belong to you
All you gotta do is say hey hey
I'm down here too, I'm down here too
I'm down here too
And I hear you in the trees
And I hear you
And I'm near you
I wonder why there's so much suffering

I want to say thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
I wanted to say thank you, thank you
I wanted to say
I wanted to say
You are where I like it best
You are where I like it best
You are where I like it best

That's the Lords' prayer
"You are where I want to be"
So, amen, just amen
Amen, all by myself, amen, amen
I'm so lonely, just amen
And I'm rising, rising, just amen
You can look through my eyes
Hear through my hear
Look through my eyes

Ricki Lee Jones

I am so unsure of myself. I feel like I've gone down again. My mind just keeps running wild, praying that nothing bad will happen to the people around me. It doesn't help that I read Jodi Pocult's The Pact where it speaks of this girl who commited sucide because she couldn't live with the dark secret she had.

I'm afraid that the people around me will take this route because they cannot handle the stresses of life or the are just tired of living. It's a scary thought and I'm scared. I don't want to have to go through the trauma of it all.

I've finally inked the contract that would bind me to my internship company. I guess it's a bittersweet kinda thing. I felt both a sense of relief and uncertainty. I really wonder what's installed for me in the next six months.

Sigh. I wish all of you are well.

It's so annoying. I simply don't understand why my parents are treading so closely on my toes lately. I feel like I'm treated more like a young kid then a 19 year old. They think that I don't know the concern that they have for me. They think that by going to the gym, I'm going to get involved with some man. SERIOUSLY?!

Already I respect their wishes about staying out late or even going clubbing/pubbing. I don't. I get teased at in school for sticking up to my moral principles but all my parents see is me trying to rebel because I just want to feed my curiousity. I don't want to be a green horn all my life. I mean I have my own personal convictions about drinking - not to drink for leisure but only for purely business entertainment when the need arises. If I can run away from all these, I would.

Why do they judge me for something I'm not? Yes, I may want certain material things but look, I don't necessarily get them. My handphone is one. I have settled to use the second hand phones when my phones are spoilt, letting my dad buy the new ones. Then when it comes to me signing up for the gym, they think that I'm being influenced by my peers when fact is, I have been thinking about it for a long time already. I just wish they would know me better. It;s hard to communicate with them and what's worse, they already have pre-conception of me that it's hard to get rid off.

You may say that you know everything because this is the area you work in but do you really know me? DO you know that you hurt me at times too? Seriously, will we ever get the chance to speak properly.

Internship is settled. Suntec City Convention Centre, working in the marketing communications department. Pay may not be high but I guess I just gotta grit my teeth and get through with it. My mantra for this period of time = LEARN,LEARN,LEARN.

The thing about humans is when we are busy, we complain and when we have nothing much to do, we complain as well. Now that things have slowed down a great deal, suddenly I have so much time on my hands that when I feel that I have nothing to do, my mind just runs wild. Just the whole of today was spent just thinking of things that probably I shouldn't have. Purely letting my emotions run wild in this house has caused me to really settle and think.

What is it that I really want in my life? What is it that I really look for? Somehow the forgotten thoughts about loneliness and sadness have slowly made their way back into my life and I think about the vast ocean out there. Casting a net or simply a rod? Waiting silently for God to send me the one or to take a proactive attitude?

It's normal to be single. It's normal to be like me.