It's good to hear that you are all alright now after talking to your DGL. It's good to hear that you are no longer blaming yourself and that you are the master of your life (besides God). I'm happy for you.

I don't know. Even though I am happy to hear that 52623 is fine now, I can exude that happiness. I feel like I'm being bogged down but the excess baggage of everybody and even my ministry. I know that I tell everyone that I can cope but I think it has just become a facade. I guess I just don't want people to worry about me because I know what the feeling is like. Especially when the worry is so great that one is not able to sleep or eat well. It's important to keep those who are weary in prayer, encouraging them, to help them see through the toughest periods of their lives.

Sometimes whenever I hear those around me complaining about the people around them, it saddens me. Because whenever we complain, we complain about those who are in the same family of God. We call each other names, we can't forgive. I pray that we all can exhibit forgiveness just as God forgave us. It's not easy but we have to do it. Moreover, we are a family of God that are working together to help our ministry grow. Therefore, we should be more forgiving and at the same time, strive to make our relationships better.

To Jocelyn: I know it ain't easy because it seems impossible to forgive him. You have gotta try because as I've said, don't let the devil have a foothold in your life. It will only become a stumbling block since you have just found God again. We'll all be behind you and be praying for you.

To Xionghai: Brother, I know that you can't stand the feeling of being lied to, especially since the person that lied to you was once a very close friend. But you too have to learn how to exercise forgiveness. Just like wat I told Jocelyn, I hope you will remember that too. I am disappointed with him too but I will try to forgive him.

It seems like you hardly come online anymore. Maybe you do but you just stay away from me. It's been 3 days since I last heard from you, I am getting more worried about you. I can only pray that you are feeling better. I can only pray that God has spoken to you and told you how much He loves you. I can only pray that your love for God has been revived.

To 52623: I really don't know how much longer I can hold up anymore. The pain I have worrying about you is tremendous. These are my unspoken words to you here on this blog. I wish that you have this blog address to read of how much I worry about you but I guess it's best at times that you don't read my blog because you will be at a lost of what to do too. Maybe you are not talking to me because you need time to sort out your feelings and thoughts. I'm trying hard to control myself not to SMS or even call you, hoping to give you enough space and not feel that I am being too overly concern for you. Answer my question, do you still love God? Will I hear from you soon? Will I know that you are ok??

To Shirin: Thanks for doing up my blog for me. It's a really nice bloggy and thanks for putting up with me especially since I am so picky. Thanks for comforting me over the phone. Thanks for helping me sort out my thoughts. Thanks for hearing me whine and complain. Thanks for just being there.

To Yien: Take care of him for me, will you? Be the light for him to see him through this rough patch of time. I know things are not easy because you are still trying to deal with yourself but hey gurl, Jocelyn and I are always here for you. In fact even Lance will be here for you. =)

To Jocelyn: You crazy gurl! Haha...always sleeping and shopping. Glad to hear that you have matured,become even more mature than me. Wells continue to walk close with the Lord and serve Him ya?

So much for shoutouts. I figured that is time in my life to make some decisions that would cause some people to be shocked, some people to question why. For the past few weeks, I have been thinking if I should move on from TWPC and go over to be with my family. I know that it pains my mother not to see me so very often since I am so actively serving God in YZ and in church when it comes to the musicale. It's been weighing on my mind. But I figured that maybe this thought is only coming through because I am trying to escape from my feelings or even escaping from myself. Would I stop deceiving myself? I don't know. But I know it's better to deceive myself at times, taking the escapist route.

Dear God, show me Your way and guide me. Tell me what You want me to do with my life. Tell me how I can serve You even better. Tell me what to do, O Lord.

I don't know how to tell you that I'm always here for you. I don't know how to tell you that I'm worried about you. I don't know how to tell you that you are not alone. I don't know how to tell you that God still loves you. I don't know how to tell you that I'm willing to do anything for you. Would you give me the chance to just tell you all these things?

It has been a bad day. I didn't sleep well last night because I kept thinking about you and all the pain that you are going through. I really don't know how to help you because it seems like you keep pushing me away. I want to hear, I want to listen and pray with you. Don't doubt God anymore. He has seen you through all this while. He is your EVERYTHING. Don't doubt the God that gave you life. Don't doubt the God that gave you good friends. God loves you! Sometimes I wish that I could give you more as a friend. A little more time, a little more love and a little more joy. Sometimes I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything is just going to go on fine. Sometimes I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that I am here. Sometimes I wish I could give you a hug that spoke of love for you.

God, why is this happening to all of us? Why test our friendship and our love for you time and time again? I feel that this refining process is going to tear him apart, I pray that this refining process would only make him stronger in his love for You. God, would you answer this prayer of mine? I can't bear to see him suffering like that any longer. It hurts and it's frustrating because as his group of friends, we are at a loss as to what to do. Give us wisdom, O Lord. Show us Your way to help him through this tough period of time.

Has it ever occurred to you that sometimes when you think that you have solved this major problem, another major problem/worry comes along?? It's just so tiring at times that you question, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"

In times like this when you feel so drained and your faith seems to be stretched to the limit, you want to throw in the towel and just leave everything behind. I know how it feels because I too am feeling the same way. I just want to run away from all the commitments and just REST! But as I talked to Zhiqiang today, he told me that I would miss this period of time, serving in YZ where my faith was stretched by the Lord in future. Would I really miss this traumatic experience? I have no idea. Maybe I would, maybe I won't. Only God knows.

It's never easy to serve God. Nobody said it was but now when we only see problems placed in front of us, life never seem more troubling and tough. It's even harder when you are handling so many things at one time and you are just crumbling under all the pressure. It's worse when you can't seem to find anyone to confide in.

I guess the Lord knows the pressure and weariness that we are feelings. It's just like what the verse said in Ephesians, the Lord knows what is best for us and there is good in every situation that we are placed in. Well, the tension between us good friends have since cleared and it definitely gave me a deeper understanding to the verse we read in Ephesians during comm meeting yesterday. The Lord is merciful and really answers prayers because so many things happened that we can't say that it happened out of coincidence that it happened. We've experienced it firsthand for ourselves and I pray that we will apply this same principle in this situation.

To u: I feel so helpless seeing you so down and being so hard on yourself. I wish I can give you a big hug to tell you that I will help you through this rough patch, walking towards the plan that God has installed for you. I want to tell you how much you are loved and how much the Lord is doing for you at this point in time. I know that it's hard to cope and you feel like giving up. I won't force you to give answers or make hasty decisions, for you know what you should be doing at this point in time. I'm always here, ready to fight this war together with you.

God has a purpose for both you and me. Though I cannot decipher what God wants me to do at this point in time, in the future, I want to be able to say that I am a god-fearing person that walks closely with God even when things don't turn out fine.

I'm tired. Seriously TIRED! Tired of all the shit that is going around me. I need a break desperately so that I can useful again.

Why is it that people cannot see how hard the committee is working to hold this youth group together? Why can't the youths see that discipleship group meetings are important so that they can grow in the wisdom of the Lord? Why do I always have to intervene and do the things I do not like to do (ie. scolding them)? No one said that it would be easy serving God because we would have to deal with difficult people but sometimes I really question myself and ask why did I ever tell God that I would take up this leadership role in YZ? It's physically draining to be so heavily involved in the youth group because we always running around to make sure that things are running smoothly and on Saturdays most of us in the committee are in church for meetings or wad nots. I can only pray that God will give me the strength to carry on serving Him in the manner that He wants me to.

Friendships are the weirdest things on Earth because you can make friends so easily but ultimately difficult situations will be put in place to show you who your true friends really are. Many people have come into my life and out of my life at a snap of my finger. Friendships that are strong would be able to withstand any situation that they are thrown into. True friends are those that are able to rebuke each other in love and the receiving party will not fall out with the one who rebukes; those who will always be there. True Friends are also those who are truthful with each other, sharing even our darkest secrets. What more when we are brothers and sisters in-Christ? Are we going to be friends that will build each other up in the midst of the fun times and the bad times?

Friendships are weird but relationships are even weirder. When one is in a relationship, one changes so much that sometimes friends would find the drastic change unbelievable. But relationships can also bring a friendship down. Take for example that time when Shirin and I fell out over a guy that in the end broke our hearts. It's not worth it. My advice to my two really good friends, be truthful with each other. Don't assume that each other is ok and not do anything about the situation. Why fall out because of a guy? Not worth it!! Remember what Joshua Harris wrote in his book, when the time is right, God will provide. Take this time to serve God wholeheartedly and not waste anymore precious time.

Being in difficult situations just cause me to feel so helpless sometimes. It seems like I don't have the mental, emotional and physical strength to pull myself out of these situations. Much as I want to solve these problems before it gets bigger, I would say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But ultimately, these problems though look too tough to be solved now, we would gain much from it. God doesn't put us in difficult positions for no apparent reasons. It may seem at times that God is unfair especially when it comes to our academic achievements but ulitmately, God has a plan for us. He did not let us go through all these in vain. It is just how we are going to handle these situations. We can choose to let them mould or break us.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say to help you out of your misery but I can only pray for all you people out there that God will embrace you and cover you with His everlasting love, that you may know that there is a God that will always be there for you. Just lay in His arms and cast your cares upon Him, for no problem is too big for God to solve it. Be it that we may be retained or we may lose our good friends, just cast it all unto Him. God loves you!

It's official! I'm bored shitless! I practically seem to have nothing to do because I am not working and I'm no longer that busy trying to do things for the youth group. AHHHHHHH!!! I really need some stuff to do before I rot so much till I drop dead and die.

Why did my parents think that having a sister would rid me of boredom??? They are so absolutely wrong because my sister is so irritating that sometimes I wish that she was never born. Well I guess she thinks the same way at times too especially when when we really can't stand each other. I guess it makes things worse when I feel that she is being pampered too much by my parents and I am not. Oh wells.

Will someone please tell me what to do with my feelings? I feel like I am going to die trying to deal with it. It's like the more I think about him the more I want to see him. It's not suppose to be this way. It was never suppose to be this way. I want to be in control of my feelings so that it won't hinder my relationship with God. Sighs.

Why do my sister's and mum's birthday seem to be more important than mine? I am serious about this. Their presents obviously cost more than mine and even where we eat on their birthdays are more expensive than the ones we go on my birthday. Oh wells. I shouldn't be comparing rite? I should just be content with everything I have. It's hard you know, but I am willing to try. -_-'''

Somehow now I can't wait for school to start so that I won't be sitting at home with almost nothing to do. I hate feeling like I'm a nut with absolutely everything at home boring the shit out of me. ARGHS! SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME WORK TO DO SO THAT I CAN EARN SOME MONEY TOO!

Many things have happened throughout the past week. With all the happenings that have gone by, I am left exhausted. Exhausted beyond words. I really need a break, someone to lend me their shoulder to lean on and to tell me that all is fine and well.

Why are adults so annoying at times? Why can't they understand that we youths are trying to raise funds for our youth camp? Why must they complain so much? Why are they just being so selfish to promote the stuff they cooked? Haix. I guess this is part and parcel of life where we just have to deal with all these people so that we won't become like them. Oh wells.

So much for the people who made life difficult on sunday, we can't thank you enough for your help. We managed to raise more than we expected, making this camp possible.

I can't help but wonder what kind of signals I am getting from 52623. Does he like me? Does he not like me? Are we just best friends? Tell me, what am I suppose to be feeling at this moment? Sighs.

To shirin: Gal, don't keep thinking on the negative side. Cheer up ya, as they siad, this is not the final results and maybe you will be promoted! So cheer up ya? About 52259, I really don't know what he is up to but I can see that he still cares for you. But let's not read too much into his concern ya? I know that it's difficult because I have been through it. I am always here for you ya?