I am so exhuasted. I am up this early because I gotta head down to church for a meeting in a while's time and I was still preparing the materials for the meeting. It is just so irritating that when you are trying to get things dones but there are people that just don't co-operate with you resulting in you having to wait and wait and wait just to get it done. I hate it. Wasting my time when I could be doing other things.

Yesterday was Emmanuel concert and well the alumni band decided to cut down one piece before we went up on stage because we felt that we were playing horribly that we wanted to cancel at first. Well in the end I thought that the alumni put up a good show. One thing I regretted though was that I didn't play for a good part of the song because I was simply distracted. My mind was wandering to somewhere in the past when we last played the song back in 2003. This was even though Alicia told me not to get distracted. I couldn't help it. We played the song together once and it was because of the hardowork we out in to that performance we put up in 2003 that we got to know each other better.


In case you are wondering, no I am still struggling but maybe I am just not showing it on my face. I am just so afraid to see him in school that I am simply RUNNING away. Take for example yesterday I was waiting for Zhengying at the 'mushroom' and I knew that he was having lecture at the egineering block. I just wanted to get out of that place asap because I didn't want him to see me and I didn't want to see him. I feel so stupid! I really feel very stupid. WHY AM I SO DUMB!

I have officially started my mugging life. I don't know is this because I want to occupy my mind so that I won't think of anything else. Maybe this is the end as well. I don't know.

You know sometimes after a long period of time and you feel that you have recovered from a heartache but truth is you haven't and you are actually hurting like mad. That's the way I am feeling at this point in time.

For 2 long years, I thought that I will be fine now, able to brace myself for whatever comes my way especially if it concerns HIM. Never did I expect to be hurting like shit after hearing from a good friend that she saw him with HIS girlfriend today and how they were behaving in the cinema. No, don't get me wrong, I don't think they were making out. I never knew that it could hurt so bad even after so long. I didn't know that there was something within me that still longed for something with him.

It makes things worse that now we are in the same school. I sort of knew that he came to TP for a reason and not the reason that he gave me. Maybe HIS girlfriend is in TP too. Maybe one day I will see them walking around in school. But then again, I probably wouldn't know because I don't think that he will hold her hand in case he sees me around. BUT IT STILL HURTS.

Please don't blame me for feeling this way. I didn't know that I would react this way. I didn't know that part of me wanted us to have another chance again. I don't know how am I going to face him now. Maybe now I will start dodging around in school. Maybe now I will just put blinkers on my eyes and FOCUS on my books.





Dear God, please heal this pain in me. It hurts terribly and I really feel like shit at this point in time. Help me not to HATE and help me not to question you why you want me to suffer like this. Mend that hole in my heart that has been left alone for 2 years. Amen.

I'll find a way to see you again

I used to think that anything I'd do
Wouldn't matter at all anyway
But now I find that when it comes to you
I'm the winner of cards I can't play
Wait for me
Darling, I need you desperately here

And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain is like an orchestra to me
Little gifts from above meant to say
Girl, you falling at his feet
Isn't lovely or stunning today
Wait for me
I'm alive when you're here with me, stay

And I'll find a way to see you again

Why do the street lamps die
When you're passing by
Like a band that won't stay on my shoulder tonight?
If you held me close, would you laugh it away?
Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay?

And I'll find a way to see you again

The rain will bring me down

By Rachel Yamagata

This singer is really good. Nice Songs =)

So I am suppose to be at the Indoor Stadium at this time but I am still at home because I am not feeling well thanks to gastrics. Oh man, this is the first time my gastrics have stretched past a day. Usually I will be fine after a super long sleep and after taking the antiacid. RAHH! THIS SUX SINCE TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

I had my first dance practice for the musicale yesterday. It was sooooo tiring! I mean it just took about 20 mins into the practice to start 'raining'. And because I didn't stretch or warm up before the dance practice, I hurt myself by accident while refining a dance move. Haha. But I had PLENTY FUN! It was really refreshing especially since this time we have a professional cheorograhper, Melissa, who teaches at Attitude Dance Studio, to come cheorograph this musical dance for us. She has made me dance stuff that I've never danced before. Fun. Now I am seriously considering if I want to join dance in TP.

Right, so tomorrow is the first day of school and I am kinda looking forward for this new start. I believe that this term will be rather exciting with THAT girl in the class. Plus having to see HIM around in school, it will be quite interesting. Now, don't ask me if I hope anything will come out of seeing him often, because I don't. If anything should happen, I will just let it come my way and face it.

AH I just realised that Emmanuel is this coming Friday. So exciting. Hahaha. Oh wells. Till then, have fun in schooL!

So I am suppose to be at the Indoor Stadium at this time but I am still at home because I am not feeling well thanks to gastrics. Oh man, this is the first time my gastrics have stretched past a day. Usually I will be fine after a super long sleep and after taking the antiacid. RAHH! THIS SUX SINCE TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

I had my first dance practice for the musicale yesterday. It was sooooo tiring! I mean it just took about 20 mins into the practice to start 'raining'. And because I didn't stretch or warm up before the dance practice, I hurt myself by accident while refining a dance move. Haha. But I had PLENTY FUN! It was really refreshing especially since this time we have a professional cheorograhper, Melissa, who teaches at Attitude Dance Studio, to come cheorograph this musical dance for us. She has made me dance stuff that I've never danced before. Fun. Now I am seriously considering if I want to join dance in TP.

Right, so tomorrow is the first day of school and I am kinda looking forward for this new start. I believe that this term will be rather exciting with THAT girl in the class. Plus having to see HIM around in school, it will be quite interesting. Now, don't ask me if I hope anything will come out of seeing him often, because I don't. If anything should happen, I will just let it come my way and face it.

AH I just realised that Emmanuel is this coming Friday. So exciting. Hahaha. Oh wells. Till then, have fun in schooL!

by the way, times have changed and I've moved on. I shall no longer harp on things that I know I cannot achieve or even feelings that cannot be expressed. I shall just concentrate on the things that I need to concentrate on.

Ok, so I have not blogged for a really really really long time. Nothing much has happened just that I was working at SPH helping them do some webpages. So that job was tiring because of the long hours staring at the laptop screen. But it's ok lar, the last day of work I had nothing much to do, so I end up getting paid to slack. Hahaha.

School is starting soon! Time has really passed quickly. On days that I really have nothing to do, it's really so boring that I feel so lost. On the other hand, when you re like working or have to go to school, you just wish that you can have a good break. Such extreme feelings. So well at this point in time, I can't wait to go back to school even though I don't like the looks of my timetable. I have really long days on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. But I guess it's good too, less time for me to think of other things.

One thing I totally detest though is that I AM IN THE SAME CLASS AS THAT STUPID GIRL FROM PERTH! I was praying so hard that I wouldn't be in her class but God had planned it as such that I would be with her again. Oh wells, that is how God works right?

Life, so unfair.

It's been a long day for me. Not because I went out but I guess it's because I have been struggling with one question for the entire day. Can anyone feel so tired serving God?

I don't know why but I dread having to do the things that I know I am suppose to do when I serve God in this capacity. It's probably not because I don't reap any results from anything but because of the inability to see eye to eye with the leadership. No I am not saying that I want to be on the top but more of I cannot see what good is there when they make certain decisions. Ministry cannot be about me and I know that because we are leaders serving a group of youths that need to be taught and nurtured. And because we are serving a group of people, it cannot be the phrase "it's for your own good" that keeps popping out whenever decisions are made for the younger leaders. Maybe our perceptions are different that is why there are so many rough edges to be honed.

I don't know why but each time I hear the phrase, "it's for your own good" i will think back on the things that I learnt in Australia. How the people suffered even though the government kept saying that it was for their own good that they were taking the half-caste children away from their parents. Would this pose as a negative effect if I keep thinking like the way I am thinking now? How will this phrase affect my life in time to come?

Was speaking to my mum yesterday about how God had worked in my life whilst I was away in Perth. Before I left, there were some stuff that happened at home that made me want to leave immediately and run away from all the problems then when I was there, I kept insisting on wanting to come home. By and by as I stayed there and ran a household like how my parents do back home, I began to understand the frustrations that they go through and how uptight one can be. I never really thought all that much about home or my family while I was out at Rottnest Island or even at the Nature Reserve, I was only thinking about one person. But I guess God reminded me of my family when I went to church that one Sunday. I am glad that Georgie pulled me to church otherwise I would never have heard the reminder of God about family life and what is it like to be a godly family. All the events were interlinked. Even how I felt when I learnt that children were taken away from their parents. It opened my eyes to see that I have truly been blessed. Maybe that's why I have rather high expectations at home now. To be given the opportunity to sit down and have dinner is a blessing. To have my mum, even though she's battling with so many illnesses with me and having her around to talk to, is a blessing. Though my dad and I have our differences, I am glad that we haven't had any since I came back. God has certainly worked in my life through this trip.

To those who are reading this and are christians, please uphold me and my family in prayer. Pray that the Lord will help me look at things from a different perspective and seek to be His servant again. Help me find the joy in serving God. Pray for my mother that she will be strong physically, mentally, emotionally and most importantly in her faith as she battles with all the illnesses.

It's been a trumatic period since I have returned from Perth. First I don't know what has been happening amongst my friends but all I know now is that I am feeling sad because of what I am seeing. I am not a liberty to say more but I can only pray that things will get better.

Went for Life Concert at SAJC yesterday. It was really good to see that Shirin has ran back to the loving hands of God. Was praying so much for her to feel His love again.

[shir] I don't know what is happening in your life now. I only know that you were filled with so much joy when you went back to the Lord. With Him all things are possible, even if it means conquering through it all. I know that it's tough seeing him every single day but what is love when he doesn't love you anymore? There's a much greater love for you out there! I pray too that you don't have to wear that mask anymore and I know the long road ahead of you. Be strong. All of us are praying for you.

Well, all I can only say as I reflect upon my walk with God is that it has been a long and winding road, with many ups and downs. There are many times that I feel that I have failed God in terms of my commitment,my studies, my family and friends and sometimes my desires. It's not known to my friends how much I truly struggle with my walk with God. I am not as pius as I seem to be. It's my prayer to continue walking this journey with God and that I can trust Him with all my heart especially in terms of my future.

Sometimes I find it so hard to trust God that He will provide in times of need. Through the past couple of years and having been through so many ups and downs, so many trial especially in my life, it seems like God has always been there just that I find it so hard to buck in His presence. Even till today, I struggle like crazy but maybe I just don't tell the rest.

I struggle with relationships too. I found it so hard to pick myself up from my last ordeal only to find myself falling back in again. I don't know what is wrong with me!! I don't know how much longer I can take it but I can only pray for the feelings to fade. It's too hard for me to bear. It's too confusing for my little mind. If only things weren't that hard.

I'm sitting in my living room feeling so bored that I wish that I was out doing something, anything! No I don't wanna spend that much money but still I want to do someting. I hate to pack my room though. So that's something that is last on my list. I'm watching old school dvds that you know, killing the creativity in me. Don't feel like doing church stuff either.

So now that I am back in Singapore, I just feel so lost because I don't know what I want to do. When I was there at least there was school to go to and places of interest to visit. The beach was just a stone's throw away too! Somehow I just want to go back there. Go back to where I can enjoy a slower pace of life, a life where I don't have to worry about things. I wouldn't mind going back there with someone special, I wouldn't mind going back there to study. I wouldn't mind living with someone, I wouldn't mind just do anything there!

Being alone in this house of mine has caused me to feel some emotions that I shouldn't be feeling. Haix. No EUDORA YOU SHOULDN"T BE FEELING THIS WAY! OH GAWD. JUST HELP ME!

All That I Need

Corrinne May





I'm sorry that I hurt you

I took for granted all you gave

so freely for me

I pray it's not too late

To save you from a broken heart

To promise you

I'll make a brand new start

Believe me, when I say

You are all that I need

The only treasure I seek

You're the air that helps me breathe

through the darkets night when

I fall down on my knees

I was blind but now I see

You are all that I need

You know I'm far from perfect

Like achild that needs a guiding hand

Can you stay here with me?

I finally understand

You've always been the missing part

Complete the jigsaw puzzle in my heart

Please hear me, when I say

You are all that I need

The only treasure I seek

You're the air that helps me breathe

through the darkest night when

I fall down on my knees

I was blind but now I see

You are all that I need

Please,

let me hear your voice again

Let me hear you say

your love will never end

That whatever it takes you'll be there

Believe me when I say

You are all that I need

I'm so glad to be home! I arrived yesterday in the afternoon and haven't had a good break since! Rushed home to put my stuff down before heading out to church for YZ's anniversary.

It felt good to be home because I FINALLY DON"T HAVE TO SEE THAT STUPID GIRL! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA! I had to suffer five hours on the plane though because I had to sit next to her. Good thing she didn't try to do anything stupid to make me angry on the plane if not i would I thrown her out of the window since she was sitting next to one. Anyway I managed to catch Memoirs of a Geisha on the plane as I came back. SUCH A NICE MOVIE! I managed to catch Rent too! It was superb! Hahahahahahahaha and I shouldn't rave about it anymore because it has just been released here in Singapore and I don't want to spoil the fun for those who want to watch it. One advice though, you have to keep an open mind when you watch the movie.

So anyway YZ has turned 7!!!! Totally love the worship. Charles did a great job in leading us in worship. You should do it more often! The food was good too! I liked the games though, brought back memories of camp 1. Hahahaha. It was good to see my friends too! I missed them so much!

Didn't know why his face was so down or why he kept looking at his phone. I hope that all is well and fine because he looked really down even his nick on MSN too. Oh wells.

Gotta rush out my journals and reports.