What a way to start a brand new week. A week that I thought things would finally get better and I would suddenly find a new found love for my internship. It was not meant to be and honestly speaking, I don't know how long more I can handle.

I always thought that things would look up after a down period. I thought I was past the horrible period when I finally got my freelance job. Yet, I am proven wrong again. I don't know how to survive at my new workstation that serves the entire staff of the office. It's really like whenever they need to use my computer, I have to vacate my seat and let them use it, causing me to stall in my work. Of course there isn't much work to begin with but it just feels so horrible. At least when I had a place of my own, I could still do things at my own pace and all. Now, I don't know anymore.

God, You know my heart is crying out to You to help me through this period. It's going to be a long 8 weeks and You know that I cannot handle it anymore. I really don't know what to do. I feel like the whole world is crushing down on me again.

I haven't been here for a while. Work is still the same. Just that I'm living a nomadic life there moving from table to table, not having one to call my own anymore. It's annoying having to move from place to place and what's making it even more sucky, is the feeling of being pushed away. I feel more and more distant from the department every single day. Another 10 more weeks. I cannot wait.

I went for the NDP preview on Saturday! It was FANTASTIC. I tell you, this experience was great and I really hope I can get tickets for the actual day. The parade was like WOAH. I could only look to Jon and tell him how cool everything was. And yes, when NS 40 came about with all the Coast Guards, Navy, Army, Air Force stuff, I was like OMGOMGOMGOMG. Now I have faith in our armed forces. Shall put up some photos.

I GOT MY DREAM JOB! I will be assisting a DJ to help arrange all her interviews and of course look for people that best suit the theme of the day. EXCITEED!

There was a time where I just dreamed about strolling along the beach with you, enjoying your company and just having the time of our lives. I dreamed about us busking in the love that we share with the stars looking down at us with envy. All these but were just a dream. Will they ever come true? I'm really not sure.

I wish that you would have the guts to tell me how you feel rather than giving me all the mix signals. Yet, I don't want to push you into telling me how you feel because i might end up pushing our friendship away. It's a tough choice but I'd rather be friends than ruin everything for us both.

Every single day I pray that God will show me His way. I mean everything is so gray at this moment. Whether or not I will go to the university to whether or not I will be able to find a job that I love. These are the things that are bothering me. I mean, I like to plan ahead yet when everything seems so bleak, I have no idea where to go and who to turn to. Yes, definitely I should be turning to God but really, I wish I had some idea where I would be heading to.

Now, I pray that it was already September 28. I need to go back to school soon to retain some sanity. The lack of work in the office is definitely killing my brain cells. I need work. I need to be busy.

There is one thing I hate about growing up is that all of us just grow more distant from each other. Why do we grow distant? Because we are all so busy, our ideals change and therefore, all our expectations of each other change too. I don't know. I just don't want to grow up anymore. I'm so tired of having to juggle work. I HATE WORK. I REALLY HATE IT.

When can I go back to school? When will I be able to enjoy what I'm doing again? SIGHS. Please take me away. Take me away.

I'd wish on days end that this nightmare will come to an end. This nightmare is tearing me apart. Very soon, I might not even know who I am anymore. I'm tired, exhausted from all the mental and emotional battles I conquer every single day. I wish I could be truthful and let everyone know how I feel. I wish for times when I got the courage to tell you everything, I would and not hold back. I wish that I was never sent to this place. I don't know what God has installed for me but God hear my plea and let me go. Let me off the hook. Any longer, I don't know what I will become. I cannot handle this anymore.

In Repair
John Mayer


Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

It's already Thursday, which means that tomorrow is the last day of the work week! I don't know how much longer I can delude myself about trying to love my job. I am definitely not being difficult here but I wish that I don't feel so left out from my department. As much as I try to talk to them and try to be more enthusiastic about department activities, there is still this void. It's like today, they had planned this mini celebration of some sort and well, I had to go out and run an errand, when I came back, everyone was AWOL. There were times when they just see me and another person working, they ask if we're the only two, they in turn reply "yea just the two of us, me and H". LIKE HELLO?! AM I NOT WORKING TOO?!! It hurts.

I know I can't expect much thinking that I am leaving in another three months. But just treat me like I belong. Please, that's all I am asking. I don't want to end up feeling so alienated that at the end of the day, all I want is to be able to have a working working relationship. If you all know what I mean.

I'm tired. I don't want to try to fit in anymore.