This week has been a week where adjustments had to be made. Going back to work after having a mini-break of some sort required me tuning my body back to the long hours in the office. I suppose it wasn't all that bad until I realized that they were upset that I had taken 3 days MC even though I was really unwell. It made me feel even more crap about going back to the office. I have another 12 weeks to rough it out there. I gotta learn to love my job. Even if it requires me to lead that double life, I just got to stick it out.

Life is full of unkowns and changes. We constantly need to morph ourselves into the culture, situation that we are in. Much as we all detest change, it is needed. Yet sometimes, we feel so beaten and worn. But through this time, you kinda know who are the ones who will stick by you through thick and thin. You kinda know who really cares. It opens your eyes to see how much we all mean to each other.

People change, lives change, decisions we make affects change. When we all move on in our lives, move away, change schools whatever, we somehow start to lose some things around us. No matter how hard we try to keep close to each other, we somehow push each other away too.

To those whom I don't usually meet, I'm sorry I've not been such a good friend. To those whom have moved to somewhere in the world and we hardly actually talk, I wish we would talk more.

I need something in my life. I need change of some sort. I don't want people to keep holding me back. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired. I just want change.

I'm even more convinced that we've drifted way apart. We are really not the same clique we used to be.

We've all grown up and changed from the time that we all first got to know each other. We no longer are able to share with each other so freely what we are feeling. Sometimes even the best of friends end up being the last to know what is happening to each other. I don't know. It's just hard to be what we were before. We've all changed. That's the only thing I can say. Sometimes what we do displeases each other but we can't say. I don't know. Maybe we do not know all of us as well as we knew before.

You may be wondering why I'm blogging about this. But I realised on my way home that we aren't that same group of youths that we use to hang out anymore. We've all grown up to be people whom are some what different. Maybe it's for the better but maybe it's also causing us to drift apart. I don't know. I wonder what it's gonna be like in 2 years time when we probably change even more.

It's back to work tomorrow after 3 days of MC last week. Oh wells.

Stuck in a day
Like a runner with no race
Are you afraid
Your joy has been misplaced
It's been a while
Since I've seen you smile
How easy you forget
So roll back the time
And there you will find
What never left

The day heaven found you
The day the angels sang
Praises to the Father
Who called you by name
The moment you surrendered
The moment you were saved
Life as you knew it forever was changed
And all the above rejoiced

Remember the day
When God forgot your sin
Remember the way
That joy came tumbling in
There will be times
When you cannot find
A reason to stand and sing
But let this remind
You time after time
You're a child of the King

See them dancing
See them singing
All of heaven is rejoicing over you

Been on MC for the past 3 days. Guess being sick means that I get a well-deserved break because I get to sleep alot. But it's also a time whereby everything sets in and I get all emo. Ah the usual drift whenever I'm not feeling well.

It's come to a point whereby I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't make certain decisions in my life. It's like I look back and ask, what would I have become if I had chose to tell someone that I liked Him or would I be happier now if I hadn't rejected STOMP's offer. Things like that. Although my friends would never fail to remind me that it was a good thing I hadn't been stupid enough to let my moment of folly rule my entire life, I still wonder and of course ask myself if things would have changed for the better. Would it be that friendship be not what it is today? Seriously, I wonder.

Every few months where I get the chance to stop and look back, I fall into this problem of regretting. I probably regret A LOT of stuff but I suppose I'm starting to learn how to not let all these things affect me. The process of growing up allows for mistakes but the moulding process is really painful.

I can lament forever about how tough life has been since I was 16. But I can also go on forever about how strong I would have become. Yet, I don't know how strong I am because I feel so bogged down. So please tell me if you know me. God, speak to me too.

Natasha Bedingfield
Soulmate


Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

To all of you out there who have been trying to cheer me up, a big thank you for your efforts. I am trying my very best to look on the positive side as I go to work and when I am alone. Of course, I am putting every effort to make this internship work. I just wish it would be easier.

I tried so hard not to cry in the office today when the comparison arose, when the rest gathered to speak and left me out. I know what all of you are saying to me to try to make good of everything. Believe me, I am trying. I am not even complaining about going to the store anymore. I just hope this period will end soon. I just want to go back to school.

I woke up this morning full of optimisim as I looked forward to going to school. Yet when I left school this afternoon, I felt like crap and all I wanted to do was to crawl under my sheets or head to a place where I could find solace. I didn't feel like wanting to be anywhere anymore. No more church, no more SIP, no more school. I simply didn't see the meaning of everything.

I wake up every morning asking God why am I still alive here today. I ask God why do I have to endure everything. Like all the shit at work, why I choose to allow myself to burn my weekends away, why am I even being pushed around.

If you were to ask me what is the one thing that is really bothering me now, it would be that I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. For the past week, I have been compared to the previous intern that they had. Every single day, I hear her name being mentioned in my face. I don't need to know how shitty I probably am as compared to her. Please I beg you, look at me and what I've done. Don't compare. She's her and I am me. I cannot be like her.

Why is it that I am not good enough for everyone? It's hard trying to please everyone. As I watched 200 pounds Beauty over dinner today, she said this line that is stuck with me. She tried her best to fit into society by being beautiful but in the process, she lost her friends, her family and even herself. I am starting to feel like that. I really don't know who I am. What am I going to evolve to as I try to match up to everyone and try to prove my worth. I am not perfect. I will never be the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect pastor's daughter.

I am tired. I am weary. I feel beaten.

Can we the youth of today be depended upon when we are old enough to enter politics and govern the country? Can we the youth of today be able to stand up for what is right and lead a life that is righteous? Can we the youth of today be able to push ourselves to the point in which we shine at our brightest and not wait to be pushed around? Can we the youth of today stop behaving like the brats we are today?

These are the questions that are probably weighing hard on the minds of our parents and those of the generation that would be in that time when we become the leaders of the future. I guess they have every right to worry especially since we are so pampered. My supervisor never fails to remind me that we need to constantly push ourselves and not wait for our bosses to do so because they won't. They have better things to do rather than keep pushing us. Inspiration comes from within. We need to look for the things that inspire us that we may be able to write our reports, articles or what-so-ever. Yea, it's good that we once in a while walk around and not be cooped up in our little cubicle and free the parameters of our minds. I guess, saying that we have no inspiration should never be an excuse that we use to get away from doing the things we hate.

I don't really put a finger to what I want to accomplish in my life. I mean I am still exploring many areas that I can eventually settle myself in. Honestly speaking, the dreams that I hold on to today, may be gone tomorrow. I may never be able to realise my own dreams. I may never be able to follow through the plan I have drafted for myself but I guess if I really put my heart and soul to do whatever I am tasked to do, I cannot say that I've wasted my time. It's not as though my life has just simply gone in flash because I could not stick to the dreams I had for myself.

But I know what I would regret if I was never true to myself. I would never want to betray myself in order to gain some benefits. I would never be able to forgive myself if I choose to live a lie or even lie about how I feel. You may think that I'm too vocal for my own good but I suppose if I don't voice my opinions and harbour everything inside, I will one day explode and no, it would not be a pretty sight. People may think that I'm mean in the way I handle certain issues but as I've said I will never compromise on my principles. There is a standard that I believe we should keep with respect to the commitment towards things. I certainly do not like the fact that a person may only turn up for something because you are 'forced' to or because you think you are obligated to go because it's your duty to serve. NOPE. Don't like that mindset. I think it's all about commitment, you don't turn up at your whim and fancy. Not everyone can accomodate you or your behaviour. No I'm not targeting this paragraph to anyone but it's true. Either you get it or you don't. Either you pull your act together or be eaten alive in the real world. Really, it will help you in surviving in the world.

It's up to us how we want our lives to turn out. It's up to us how we want to make a difference in this world. Yes, God has already mapped things out for us but it's the journey that it's important and the destination is just our prize. Ask yourself, can you be relied on? Can anyone else rely on you, to count on you to be able to do things with the commitment level that enables you to work well with others?

I just read Daryl's blog. Couldn't agree more with his latest post. I guess every now and then, we as older siblings tend to reflect on our actions. Though I may never say it aloud to Evangelin how much I love her as a sister, nor to my parents how much I love them, deep down in our hearts, we silently know this truth. I guess in my family, we never say it or show it through affectionate actions but we kinda know that we love each other.

Today we went to Pastor Joshua's place for dinner. I cannot tell you how exactly I felt when I saw Valerie showering kisses to both Shawn and Trinity. It was such a lovely sight. I mean we don't do that at home. There and then, I told myself that I want to be like that when I become a mum. Show my kids with my actions how much I love them. On a lighter note, both Trinity and Shawn are soooooo adorable that I really want to bring them home with me. HAHA.

I've been 'promoted' in my company to be the administrator for my department. Somehow I've grown to not like my job even more. SERIOUSLY. I mean I know I should try to love it and make the best out of my time there but I'm finding it so difficult. The daily battle of telling myself that I have to leave the house, put on my best performance to work is taking it's toil on me. I know I cannot complain. BUT really, I hope in the future, I can find the job I love.

Life will never be easy. We either rough it out or let ourselves sink into depression. Of course, the results after which we rough things out would be sweet but the process is long and ardulous. I want to be strong. I want to be able to grit my teeth and go through everything. I want to be able to say I've ran a good race, fought a good fight.

I figure that it's nice once in a while to have a change in environment. Went over to KPC today and well, I guess it wasn't that bad after all. Met up with some friends and had a good time talking even though it was pretty lame stuff.

I was pleasantly surprised when I messaged BJ this afternoon to ask how he was in OCS and lo and behold! he told me that Markoto is back. After not hearing from him for so long, I never thought that we would ever hear from him again. It's not a bad thing I suppose.

Well, watching One Tree Hill last night really made me cry. I've always wanted to go to a prom like what I watch in the movies and in all these dramas, not like the ones we have in secondary school or even poly. I dream of the day that someone asks me to go for a prom and then I go shopping for some amazing dress. Somehow I figure that this will only remain a dream because here in Singapore, what are the chances of me ever going to a prom? I would harly think that day will ever come. I don't know why but proms are very important things in a person's life. It's like a part of us where we can reminsce when we are older and tell our children what kind of clothes we wore and what experiences we had back then. It's like the bridge between the generations to let them know that we had gone through it before. Honestly, maybe us Singaporeans have other stuff to boast about. Proms aren't that big a deal here.

It was a night in for all of us at home today and we sat down to watch '200 pounds beauty'. Never really thought well of the show because it was a Korean movie and you sorta know what kind of ending it would have. The plots for such shows are usually about the same. Anyways, while watching the movie, it kinda struck me about this honesty thing. Like to tell the person you love how you truly feel and even any dark secrets that you might want to divulge so that you become true to yourself too. Yet, we are all afraid of the truth that we would tell. I am afraid. Very afraid that if I ever tell the truth about how I feel to someone, we will never be friends again. You see, I work on this mechanism that turns off whenever I am afraid. I would rather pass on a relationship and cling on to a friendship. I will never open my mouth unless I know that my safety net is in place and the friendship can handle anything. OH WELLS. Guess sometimes I can't blame anyone but myself for giving up good opportunities.

I dread tomorrow. I dread the thought of having to head back to the office, the store room. I just wish my tutor would call me right now to tell me that the internship period has been cut so short that I can start going back to school after the 2 weeks break. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate my colleagues who so happen to be very nice people. I just don't like it because I AM WASTING SO MUCH OF MY TIME. Sighs.

Once again, the week has gone by and if you ask me what is the most productive thing I've done this week, it would definitely be helping Auntie Pauline at her office on Wednesday evening. I really cannot handle the fact that I'm wasting so many hours of my life every single day when I'm in the office. PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO.

I was on MC yesterday. Nope it was a geniune case of me not feeling well and therefore staying at home. I wouldn't dare just go to see a doctor and get MC just because I don't feel like working. SIP IS AT STAKE HERE! Wouldn't want to screw up this internship and then get lousy grades. It's all too important for me to really do well this last year in poly so that I can enter university next year.

Given time to really think about what I wanted to pursue yesterday, I felt that I am at this crossroads where I don't know what is good for me anymore. I don't know if I should apply for journalism or marketing as my major, I don't even know if I can enter uni with the kind of grades that I have now. I am afraid with the stiff competition that I've noted at this year's university admission. I don't want to end up having to work first and putting studies in the back seat. It was never my intention in the plan I literally thought of for my life.

You may think that I'm inflexible but I suppose having a plan beats not having one at all. I cannot imagine me going through the routines of life not knowing what I am heading towards or why in the first place I'm doing all these. I may simply not care anymore why I am placed at Suntec Singapore, I may simply not care anymore that I'm single and seem to meet jerks most of the time. But yet, I know that I want to be able to make it in life. It helps. It helps maintain my sanity at the very least.

At last night's dinner, I thought about something. Maybe I should volunteer my services to the library every weekend to read to the children. It's a nice, voluntary thing to do. I mean to be able to feed children the knowledge and the imagination of the litery world, it's noble! I love it when I see children being interested in books. I should try calling the community libraries soon.

I'm back to watching One Tree Hill. For some apparent reason, it can get me to cry. I think teenage shows like these really tug my heart strings because I do understand the pain that some of them go through. It's reality in the almost perfect world of tv. It's just like watching Ugly Betty. Same logic there. I mean in the world of fashion, love and sex, a girl like Betty is always forgotten.

I want to be known for my geniune self. Not someone who is just not bad looking, studied in CMM at TP or even known as Evan's sister or Pastor Tim's daughter. I want to be known as me, Eudora and as the girl who pursues her dream. I pray that in the eulogy that people would write of me, would be one that speaks of the qualities that I don't even know I possess. I want to know how I've touched the lives of those around me. I want to be able to believe that I've made a difference in this world and not led a very selfish life. I hope that's not too much to ask for in a simple life.

So let me ask you today, what would you write about me and what would you want me to write about you? Let this be a question that weigh heavily on our minds that we use this question to spur us on to be better people, better people for God. =)

Every day I wrestle with the zzz bug in the office. I feel like I'm wasting 7.5hours of my time every day when I step into office. With nothing better to do, all I can do is stone. I want to read, but it's almost impossible to do so without being said so I read news. I read and read so much news from CNA, BBC and CNN that I am practically reading the same stories from all three webs. Feels damn loser just to think about it.

So I think all of us have this inbuilt mechanism that keeps fighting to do the right thing. It's like what we watch in the cartoons where there is an angel and a devil on either side. Like for example now, I am having cramps and I know I won't be very productive at work because I keep wanting to sit down or lie down. I don't know if I should take MC tomorrow and rest at home or just go to work and suffer there. HAI.

I'm glad that this week is coming to an end. That would mean another 16 more weeks to go!!!!

This blog is almost like the window to my soul. To let all who read it get to know what is going through in my head. I thank all of you who has tagged on my board or PM-ed me on MSN telling me that you are always there for me. =)

This past few days have been some sort of a emotional carnage. It's like the moment I get to this hour of the day, I start being all emo and start to cry. I seriously seriously hope that it's some PMS sorta thing, since I'm having an outbreak. On Friday, I lost it when I came home after meeting Jacklyn and gang. Last night, it was the same thing. I'm hoping that I wouldn't have an episode later.

Went to watch Pirates today. Almost cried when I saw Wil being stabbed and the pain in both their eyes, was so intense that I could almost feel it myself. I kept telling myself not to cry because somehow I knew that it was going to be some sort of happy ending. In any case, I cannot imagine myself having to go through the pain of only being able to see my beloved once every 10 years. It would definitely be the most horrible thing that can happen to anyone.

I will never be able to understand how people can withstand having to go through a long distance relationship. I think it takes a lot of guts, patience and love to be able to do so. Not to be able to see the person physically or even know that the person is within human touch whenever you need that listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I only have one thing to say about them - you guys should really pat yourself on the back for having the courage to embark on such a ardulous journey together. No wonder people say that if you can handle being apart from each other for so long, you would probably end up together for a lifetime.

Tomorrow will be another day at work. Somehow I figure that this is going to be a long long week ahead. I just hope that time will pass so quickly that the next weekend would come soon. Oh Lord, help me please.