Okay, so I was in school today with Vicnan and Joo Ann to prepare for next week's presentation again. Guess I wasn't really in much of a mood doing it because I was greeted by the cheers and laughter of those who were at OTC and having so much fun playing the games. Well I know I shouldn't be mopping over it because as I've said before, we all gotta make some tough decisions and I chose to put my academic stuff as a priority. I know that I should change this attitude of mine about not liking to serve the school that I am studying in but well I really gotta do well in school otherwise I would not have the chance to further my studies whether locally or abroad after I graduate.

Sometimes I feel that I have lost my confidence, my voice. I don't dare speak up for myself anymore. I just accept things as they come along now and most of the time, stop questioning why things happen anymore. It's not because I have decided to be peace loving but rather I have long given up questioning. Questioning only brings about more pain, more worries and sometimes more frustration. I'm so sick of questioning that I don't want to do it anymore.

I really wonder what has this world become. Why are friendships so fragile these days that when one makes new friends, they tend to forget those who have been around them for a much longer period? Why forsake your old friends for the new? It's hurting but obviously people do not know. What do they know about the other person when you have only known her for like what, 2 weeks? Why do people listen to her acid words and let what she says affect how you look at a fellow sister-in-christ? Such things I don't understand but I only wish to say that open your eyes, ears and heart before making decisions about forsaking old friends. You don't know what you are missing out.

Seriously why do people have such terrible habits such as talking behind people's backs? Not that I am not guilty of doing so but seriously, why can't we all just accept one another for who we are and not use our words to bring down another person when we don't know that person personally. I'm just so sick and tired of everything that I wish that God will really make this world a better place to live in. Sigh.

It's the last day of this incredibily fast year in a few hours time. I don't know what I have accomplished for this year. I don't know how much I have grown in terms of spiritual maturity and even having the maturity that will help me survive in this world. I just pray and hope that next year would be a fruitful year where at the end, I can say that I have run a good race and fought a good fight.

So many things did happen when I didn't blog. On Tuesday I finally got out of the sheltering walls of my home. Didn't have to see the people I have detested since they forced me to do things that I do not like. Anyway I was pleasantly surprised by 52623 because of the nice Christmas present that he got for me. He got me this really nice necklace and a pair of earrings to go along with it. It's like my all time favourite of stars. =) So anyway Yi En also gave me a pleasant surprise because she gave me a bouquet of pink roses! My favourite too! Haha..went to watch Narnia again but hey it's a rather good movie so I don't mind watching it many many times. Peter is rather cute! Haha..

Well I had to choose between going for OTC this week or do my project which is due for presentation next week. So me being me, decided to choose my project above the OTC because I always place my studies as a priority above serving the school although it would have been a blast being an OGL along with the people that I met during my own orientation. Oh wells... but since I made my choice, no point harping on or mopping over it anymore.

So I went to school yesterday morning to do my project with Vicnan and Joo Ann. Jocelyn came down to TP to look for me coz she wanted to stay over. Anyways back to the project. The rest came late so I had time to settle some stuff before we gathered outside one of the LT's. Managed to decide how we want to present our information and we're going to meet up again tomorrow and tie up some loose ends before we practice presenting the assignment. So there we are, rushing to meet DEADlines again. The life of a typical poly student.

Kate left for New Zealand yesterday. It was the second time in my life that I have sent her off to another country and well it was sad to see her leave even though we weren't that close anymore. So I guess I wasn't really that affected. But seeing her leave set Jocelyn and I thinking how we would feel if we were to leave Singapore, leaving our friends and family and everything behind. I would cry till I faint if I have to leave all my dearest behind. Though sometimes the idea of going overseas seem real rosy, it can be quite painful to leave people and memories behind especially since we have practically grown up together.

Went to Pasir Ris Park today with Karthi, Lala, Jocelyn, BJ, Mikh and Mok. Jocelyn and I were so friggin pissed at the three guys because they knew that we were suppose to meet at 11 in the morning but they only met us at like 2pm. Like where is their sense of responsibility. It's not like we did not remind them. We even gave them morning calls. So fed up! Such behaviour will not be tolerated anymore. Haiz... anyway we had quite a bit of fun before they arrived. I even had time to do some reflection while sitting by the beach.

I asked God what does He want with me in my life especially what am I suppose to do with 52623. I don't want to start the new year on a rough start again and living my life for the wrong reasons. Not only that, I don't want to be so hung up on things that will hinder my walk with God and not only that, my studies as well. This would mean thinking what I really want to do in my service to God which would mean concentrating on just one area of service and not as many as I had this year. It's tiring and I'm sure that if I put in my 100% in just one area of serivce, God will still be happy with me.

Sometimes it would be lovely to know explicitly what I am suppose to do maybe then half the time I wouldn't feel so confused or uptight.

It's boxing day and I'm still frigging unhappy. I don't see why I should be. I wasn't even happy on Christmas eve or for that matter Christmas. I mean the thought of spending so much time at home with the people that just pissed you off so readily already irks me. It was even worse that I had to go to that church on Christmas day when I really wanted to be at my home church to witness my friends getting baptised. Like how often do you get the other half of your clique getting baptised on the same day? Tell me?

I'm still sore. I really hate doing things against my will. You force me then face the consequences. My black face is worse than anything else. All of you who hear me think that you understand what I am trying to say but I'm sorry to say that you don't. You may think that I come from a perfect family, but you guys don't know what's going on down deep inside. The hurt that I'm trying to heal. I don't know larx. All i can do is to ask God to give me the love to love them for who they are.

If time could go back I wish to go back in time.

Is this the season to be jolly? I really have no friggin idea because I am not going to be happy. I don't forsee it but I know it's going to happen. Why?! Because I have to go to my dad's church against my will and I would have to face all the sucky people that question about my hair.

I had that awful converstation with my dad the other day before i went in for my test. Apparently some church member questioned why I dyed my hair. Am I not allowed to? Is there a written rule that a pastor's daughter is not allowed to? I mean look at the kids at their church too larx. Their hair is dyed too and the colours that they dye are much brighter than mine. So who are they to complain or comment about my hair? I do have my rights to you know. I am a girl. I have the right to be vain.

Father, if you think that I didn't think of you before I bought my clothes or even dyed my hair, please think and reflect again. If I hadn't beared in mind that I was a pastor's daughter, I would have most probably dyed my hair bright red or some shocking colour, I would have bought clothes that will expose so much skin that you will probably lock me up at home until I decide to wear a cardigan with it. So stop thinking of yourself. I have the right to individual expression as long as I don't cross that imaginery line drawn up by you or by the expectations of everyone on me.

The tests are over. As long as I don't fail, I think I will be contented. I didn't put in that much effort this time, much to the displeasure of myself. I was too busy doing other things that I did not concentrate on my studies. An oversight on my part. This is terrible. May this be the first and last time that it happens. I cannot let this happen again. I want to get into uni and that means putting in my 101%.

Putting in my 101% would mean that I shouldn't dream of 52623 anymore. My life should just center around my studies and on service. It's hard really hard because I have been trying to do that since God knows how long. It's not like I can't help it not to think of him or anything. But I just need the willpower to do so I guess. Aiya, I don't want to bother about it anymore.

Christmas this year is going to be so different. I am not going to spend christmas with my friends. I am sore about that because this entire christmas weekend is screwed and I hate it. I want this christmas to be special. Really special but it seems like it is not going to happen. Oh wells. This is the life that I have to lead. I just have to submit to it I guess.

I'm in a terrible position. There's this huge mix of emotions in me. Anger, irritation, happiness, bliss etc. You get the picture. There's a friggin test tomorrow and I am so not prepared for it. Ready to die! PANIC PANIC PANIC!

Went out with 52623 and his sister today to get a present for his mum. Met someone unexpected along the way but oh wells. His sister is sooooo cute! Kept insisting on buying me something for Christmas even though I declined le. Even he wanted to buy me something coz he was buying for the rest but I would rather him save the money. Spent too much today le. I don't need anything from you this Christmas. Spending time with you is sufficient. So ya. Manage not to think about the test today when I was out with them coz I was minding his sister.

TESTS TESTS TESTS! I think i better head back to media management principles! ARGHS!

I'm blogging with a heavy heart today. I feel heavily burdened that I don't know what I should do. I know what I should do - pray and commit everything to the Lord but you know when the situation is unveling before your very eyes, you just feel so helpless.

Talking to Jocelyn today really caused me to feel even more mentally and emotionally drained. It's like I feel even more helpless because it seems like she is so stuborn as to know what God really wants for her. Would running away from the situation help? Would it not be better if she reconciles this broken relationship with this sister? If God did not want the both of them to be reconciled, why did He prompt Uncle Kien Seng to come up to her to tell her to reconcile that broken relationship?

It pains to see that this friendship is suffering because of this insufferable silence from both parties. Being the only one that hears from both points of view, I feel even more burdened because I'm at a loss as to what to do. It's just so hard to commit everything to God now because when I see everything before my eyes, I can oly think back about the times when we didn't have all these problems. Why must it be that these problems derive because of their inability to control their feelings? WHY? Why can't they overlook that they are not the only ones who are affected by what's happening and they are not the only victims here? Why can't they just be truthful with each other?

I'm tired. Really tired. I can't handle it anymore. School is tough. I'm racing against time almost every other day. My pocket money is depleting really quickly due to the photography assignments. OH Lord, hear my cries for help. Your servant here needs Your strength and determination. Grant me Your love that I may love. Grant me your patience so that I can be there for both of them. Grant me forgiveness so that I may forgive.

Camp is finally OVER! It was a successful camp, as in really successful because lives have been changed. Though the game didn't go as planned, though the programme didn't exactly flow smoothly, the Lord is Great.

Well lo and behold the YZers were early for the first time! The registration didn't take as long as the committee had expected and we had to set up the registration booth early. Well, because they were early, it seemed like they had nothing to do and so we had to get the group leaders to excite the campers and send them for lunch. But of course, the camp committee (i.e. me and rachel) had MacDonald's lunch bought by Jason.

Oh MY! When we arrived at PHS, there were so many people in the schooL! The sun was blazing hot and really, all I wanted to do as the admin person just to sit in the shade and not do anything! We played some ice-breakers and all, which helped the campers to be more enthu. Well then we sent them up to the classrooms to their bunks. Though no beds or air-conditioning, the campers didn't complain, moan or groan.

After dinner, Julia led us in a time of worship. Not bad for a first timer. It was a ministering worship because we felt the presence of the Lord in the room. Kay Huat, the speaker for the camp delievered a poweful message that caused many of us to cry and realise how unworthy we are of God's love. Over the course of the next two days, Kay Huat continued to deliver wonderful messages. The Lord had really use this guy to speak to us.

The highlight of the camp would most probably be not the games but the structural experience and the ministry time. During the SE, we were shown how we would suffer in hell even though we may be Christians or serving God. Though I knew what exactly was going to happen because of all the planning, I was still shocked by what I heard or even what I imagined from all the shouting and screaming in pain. Even the wrap-up for the SE was life-changing. People were crying and praying. Never had we seen such a scene on Sundays. The next day, we had a time to pray for each other and commit our lives to the Lord. Commit everything, our sins, our relationships eg. People just knelt down to worship and crying telling the Lord that I want to be Your child again. So many lives were changed. So many and I am grateful for that.

Well, though the camp was a successful one, it had also caused problems with our group again. It seems like God is ever testing the friendship that we all share and it seems to be wearing us down instead of building us up. I really can't help but feel tired and discouraged because people are saying that I'm not doing enough to help my two friends. What else can I do? What can I do??? I'm tired, I'm exhausted. Does anyone understand? EVEN YOU! YES YOU!! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT I"M NOT DOING ENOUGH TO HELP EN AND JOCELYN? WHY ARE U EVEN DOUBTING ME? 52623, I'm disappointed and hurt that you think that I'm such a person.

I really don't know what else I can do. I feel tired, I feel exhausted. I am tired being the strong and stable one that would help them because it seems like it isn't helping at all. All I can say is that we are in no position, absolutely no position to judge people because we ourselves are not worthy. All we can do as their friends is just to pray that the Lord will talk to them individually and help them realise the importance of this friendship. Nothing more that we can do because the whole crux of this problem can only be solved by them.