and so today my mood = bad. My sister is pissing the hell out of me by showing me attitude. I bet she can't wait for me to go to Aust so that she can hog the computer for three entire weeks without anyone breathing down her neck to tell her to get away from there. ARGHS.

I think my mood has just caused me to not want to go to church tomorrow even though I have a meeting to attend, give and receive bible study. I just need a break. A break from church, a break from having to deal with difficult people who can't seem to get off my back and continually irritate the hell out of me. I just don't want to deal with difficult issues as though i do not have enough problems of my own. WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE NOT WANT TO SERVE? I can't possibly be waiting hand and foot on the youths much longer. I have a life to lead as well. It's not that glamorous to serve in this committee with all the problems resting on my shoulders. Parents complains, difficult youths, burnt out DGLs, DGLs who don't seem to be making an effort etc. Like HELLO! I'm only 18 here you know?!

ARGHS. It's not glamorous either to be a sister to an irritating brat in the house. I think all she even thinks of doing is to piss me off real bad. Sometimes I just feel like telling her to FO and wish that she was never born.

I can't wait to go to Australia to have some time on my own and away from everyone. I need time on my own. LIKE SERIOUSLY. If not, I think i will just go bonkers. I'm up to my ears with church stuff and all I really want now, is a break.

This is going down my books as a memorable day. One where I meet someone that I have not met in a long while and one that firms up my trip to Australia in 2 weeks.

First, I will not go back to Jean Yip at PS to cut my hair anymore. I paid $36 just to have a little bit of my hair cut and my hair is still friggin thick!NEVER WILL I GO THERE AND WASTE MONEY AGAIN!

Well I went to school today for my Aust trip briefing. For the first time in my life, I will be taking SQ flights! So cool rite?? Haha..the only bad point is that I am flying off at the weirdest hour of the day like at 1.15am on 12 March. Which means, I can only sleep on the plane. Oh gawd! I hope I don't end up looking terrible once I step off the plane. Though the finances still seem a little tight, I believe that God will provide. I am really excited about the trip! Guess wad? I will be living in an apartment that is situated by the beach! OMG! It's like my ultimate dream!! AHAHAHAHAHA! I can't wait!

Ok, so I went to meet Shirin after that and guess who joined us? Mr Huang! OMG! He looks so good in formal.. anyway if you are wondering, I am not hoping that we will get back together. I am happy that we are still friends and are comfortable with going out with each other. Like the old times. I am thankful for that. We should do it more often! Haha.. though it was kinda embarrassing when he kept wanting to sit or rest because we walked too much. Haha.. But I don't blame him. It must have been those uncomfortable shoes that he was wearing. Haha.

Anyway another boring day at work tomorrow. All the best to me.

15 February would go down in my calendar as one of the best days of my life. Seriously, it cannot be compared with my birthday or any other special day! Hahahahahaha... As you probably can see now, I am still high even though it has been 2 days!

Well first of all, I must say that VALENTINE'S DAY IS CRAP! No it's not because I didn't celebrate it or didn't have someone to celebrate it with, but I think it's too commercialised and moreover, even if you are attached, do you really just celebrate love on that one day alone????? Love should be celebrated all year round and not just on one particular day especially when everything is overpriced and it seems like there is no meaning to celebrate it at all. In any case, I did go out on Valentine's day with my family and I sincerely wished that I stuck to my original plan to stay home and hibernate after work.

So why am I so high? I received news that someone had applied for TP's CMM and obviously that is where I am studying. After two long years of not seeing that person, I think it's great that if he gets into the course, I will be able to see him on a regular basis. I don't know why I should be so high, after all he was the one who broke my heart but well that doesn't mean that we aren't friends. It's nice when the people close to your heart apply to study in the same school as you especially since you have not met up for so long. HAHA and of course there is the hidden agenda that I want to sell him my textbooks to earn some money from him. Hahahahaha... *smirks* So anyway I am crossing my fingers and toes that he will be accepted into the course.

Now for the other reason, because I had a great time when I went out with 52623. It's amazing how just eating and eating would make me so happy. Maybe it's the company that counts. But I really had a fantastic time. He helped me choose these shirts that I purchased with my Levi's vouchers. Hahahahaha... Shopping and ice cream makes me high. So obviously since the both of us had Hagen Daz vouchers, we went out for ice cream (that was the sole purpose actually). I swear that I will never eat Hagen on a full stomach again. NO MORE. I was so stuffed when we ate like 3/4 of the sundaes that we ordered that I nearly puked when I tried to stuff another spoonful into my mouth. Haha kinda gross actually. So well ya. I think this must have been one of the best times that I have had this year. Hehehehehe... Not that I do not enjoy going out with the rest of you but I guess this is different. Maybe it had to do with the conversations we had. =) and before you sepeculate, no we are NOT together.

Man, now I understand why I am not majoring in accountancy. IT DRIVES ME MAD! ABSOLUTELY MAD! I spent two whole days trying to find a missing figure and I still can't find it. I threw in the towel and went on to do the brainless officework = filing and shredding paper. Hahahaha... but the good thing is that I am earning money and somewhat l;earning a skill. =) Well now that it's the weekend, I am so not going to bother about ACCOUNTS!

NOWWWW...DRUMROLL PLEASE!!! I have been accepted for the exchange programme to PERTH!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I am so excited that I can't wait for the time to come. Though money is still an issue at home, I believe that God will provide just like He allowed me to be accepted into the programme. THANK YOU GOD! So now it's just the briefing on Tuesday that I would have to go for before I know more details. I do hope that cost will be kept to the bear minimum.

I have never fanthomed why friendships are so fragile. It seems like people walk in and out of your life so easily that you wonder, do friendships really exist in this day and age?

Some may wonder why I choose to talk about this. Well it must be based on experience that I can mention so much. Sometimes people actually take for granted those who are around them. For an instance, this church friend of mine seem to have forgotten that the people who truly cares about him. It is as though his new found friend had worried about him as much as we have, prayed for him when he seems to go astray, worry that he will one day go so far away that he leaves God. It seems like we have lost all contact with him that we don't know what is he doing or whether he is fine and well. Even his mother hasn't seen him for a day! Well this makes one wonder, are we like him, taking people for granted that they will always be there for us to approach only when things go awry?

I guess life is like that when everything seems so peaceful. We tend to take things for granted. We assume that things will still go as planned if everything is planned last minute; we think that our friends will always be there for us even if we don't make the effort to catch up with them. Do we want people to take us for granted?

OMG! School's out! I'm done with year 1 in poly and the holidays are HERE! I've never been so excited to see the holidays maybe because I was waiting for this break after a traumatic few weeks with all the deadlines and all.

Well presentation was fine today though I was so nervous that I was speaking like a motor mouth. Haha..but it's over so I shan't harp on it anymore. Anyway I'm one step closer to Australia! Now I'm just waiting for my tutor to send me the break down of the costs so as to assure my mother that all that we need are $2500. =)

Valentine's day is coming and now everyone should stop asking me if HE had asked me out because there is nothing going on bwtween the both of us. We are just FRIENDS!! Haha..

It's been a traumatic past two days while talking to my parents about my heartfelt desire about going for the exchange trip. Am I very selfish to want to grab this opportunity? Am I so selfish as not to think about my family?

Enough about the trip. I'm leaving it in God's hands if I will be able to go for the trip. So school's out in a day's time and finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I guess. I mean all of us have been working so hard on our assignments and group projects that we hardly had anytime to rest so now we can take our time to rest and unwind.

Seem to chatting a lot with the male version of me. Haha...not that I'm complaining because i love talk to him. We have so much in common and well, I just love talking to him larx. Hahahahaha... EH CHUAN YAO! I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS SO THAT I CAN GET MY GREY"S ANATOMY EPISODES! hahahahahahahha...

A big shoutout to Shirin: Thanks for listening to my rants yesterday, for lending me your listening ear. I really appreciate it and ya, I wouldn't have turned to anyone else. I know that you have problems on your own too but you are still here for me. Thanks. =)

I pray that things will be better at home where everyone will be able to understand each other better. Where we will not bear grudges, where I will be more loving. A family that we can openly share with each other how we feel and not feel that our voices have been taken away from us. One that will share weal and woe together, one that will just LOVE each other.

There are so many things weighing on my heart but I guess the most would be the disappointment that I am presented with by my parents.

Yesterday news was given that there is going to be an exchange programme to the University of Western Australia this coming holidays for three weeks. Even though it would have nothing related to my course of study in TP - it will be Australian Studies, it will still be a great experience for me. For starters, I get to experience university life the aussie way and it would help me to see if I would enjoy studying overseas, once I saved enough money to persue my studies. I guess it would be a good break for me too. To study in a different environment and at the same time, use this opportunity to clear my head over certain issues.

I guess these reasons aren't good enough for my parents to really want to send me there for 3 weeks in march. It always have to be about the money. It's not that I do not know where my parents are coming from - with all the medical bills and paying off the loans for the car but this opportunity is too good for me to let it go. In secondary school, I had no qualms about giving up the many opportunities that came my way to go overseas for field trips like Australia (again) and England (lit) since I was still young.

Oh wells. This is all part of life rite?

I don't know how long or how much has gone in my life since I last blogged. I feel like I've lost my soul. My life feels like it has been bombarded by so many things out there in the world, that I Don't know what other things are there in my life anymore.

People may say that their life is messed up. But is it because they chose to live their life that way? I mean how can our lives be messy unless we let it be? However, does this mean that those of us who feel that our life is messed up means that we are not good enough? I'm really not sure but I do know that life isn't all that perfect. We are always faced with different obstacles, be it love, school or even friends and family. How we overcome these obstacles would determine who we truly are.

I don't want to go around deluding myself or people anymore. I am sick in my heart and in my mind. I feel like the loneliness I feel is overwhelming and all I seriously long for is the love that I felt when I was with him. It's not that I just fell out of love but more like, somehow I feel a sense of lost. Maybe I've been feeling it since the day that he left which was almost 2 years ago. Maybe I am just so weak that I can overcome this sense of longing and lost. I shouldn't be using any more reasons to cover up this longing. I hate to be alone and I SERIOUSLY hate it. I think this would mean both physical loneliness and emotional loneliness. I embrace the times when I had someone whom I can share my deepest thoughts with, to share my joy and sadness, to share my deepest secrets.

My friends who are reading this entry may think that I am too weak. But let this be an avenue for me to say my deepest thoughts. You may blame it on the books or even the shows that I watch that cause me to hold on so dearly to love or even relationships. But it's not any of these things that are causing me to feel this way. Please don't blame anyone or anything for me feeling this way. I guess I let my heart rule over my head when it comes to such situations.

I miss the one who will make me laugh. I miss the one who makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, who loves me for who I am and not because he wants me to give him physical pleasure. I miss the one who makes me feel like I am the only one in the room when we are in one. I miss the one who will give me that big hug when I feel so unloved or when he feels like he has too much love to spare for me. Above all, I miss hearing the three most important words that mean the whole world to me (only when it is said from the bottom of the heart).