My emotions are really eating me up. I cannot take it anymore. What is this thing called love that brings so much sorrow when it's suppose to bring joy? Why do people come into your life only to leave and return again? Why does it always have to happen at the wrong time? Why do I like you even though you hurt me so much and walked out of my life for 2 long years only for me to hear that you are attached?

Am I suppose to carry on longing that this miracle that I have been hoping to happen will happen one day? Why do we have to be on such good terms when I know that this will only mkae things worse inside me? Why do I have to see your face and when I do, feel like all my tiredness and stress have gone away?

So much for not having time to be in a relationship only to find out how much I want to feel loved and be in someone's arms again. So much for wanting to do so well in school that I don't want to let my feelings eat me up. Life is too tough for me to handle. Crippled with confusion over you and stress from school. Can't things be normal again? Tell me, was I dreaming when I was sitting next to you?

Let me be normal again.

I've been up for almost 48 hours with a little sleep here and there to make sure that I can still function during my classes. I think today is the ultimate. My eyes are puffy, I can't really see or concentrate and I am still rushing out the literature review for BMR.

I never felt this lousy about school work in my life. Like how many times have all of you heard me stay up for so many nights in a row or even going to be library so often? Then only to know the night before you are suppose to hand in the assignment that you are on the wrong track and you have to re-do it? It doesn't help when you have maxed out your library card and your body is telling you to rest. So there you have it, my life in a nutshell for the past week.

On top of feeling like shit yesterday because of school work, I felt extremely sad when I saw how nice this person was to my friend. I mean the person was there to lend that emotional support, taking care of her, massaging her when she was stressed and tired. I longed for it too. It felt terrible. All I could do to stop feeling the way I did was to go into the bookshelves and hide. I cannot take it anymore. Feelings like these are eating me up. School is eating me up. I am a broken girl.

I am now sitting in my aunt's home and using the my lappie. Just finished watching Singapore Idol and had a good laugh watching Singaporeans making a fool of themselves. I mean since they know that it's a competition, at least be prepared for it. Not going prepared for the audition shows that you are mocking it. Okay but seriously this is what we call entertainment television.

Went to watch 'The DaVinci Code' today with nine other people from church. The movie was good in terms that the plot was exciting and what I had imagined while reading the book was almost acurate in the movie. Well, I wouldn't encourage those who are spiritually weak to watch the movie because even though what is claim is fiction to many, there is this grey line because it seems super real on screen. Yes it is the gnotic gospel of philip and your faith can be shaken. To those who are planning to watch, go ahead if you know that your faith won't be shaken because this can be a very good talking point and a good platform for you to share Christ.

It's going to be another long week ahead. I can only pray that God will continue to sustain me.

I AM F***ING PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHS! I don't understand why sisters are the most irritating creatures on EARTH! I mean borrow my stuff and don't ask for permission? WAT'S UP WITH THAT?!! Better still, borrow already dump whatever was in my bag on my bed. FANTASTIC RITE?! I REALLY REALLY FEEL LIKE WHACKING HER!

My emotions are out of control and I don't give a shit. I have enough trouble on of my own and I don't need my sister to add to it. School is not getting any better either. Church is becoming burdensome. Dance is losing it's interest. All I want to do is just die. I don't want anything more in this miserable life. I have enough of rushing to meet deadlines. I have enough of struggling with this thing called love. I have enough of dealing with shit. I DON"T WANT TO HANDLE THEM ANYMORE.

I AM SO IRRITATED!!! I am in the library trying to start doing some readings for my Basic Media Research individual assignment and SOME FRESHIES sitting across me are making a hell lot of noise. So much for the library being quiet enough for doing readings and start writing academic papers. ARGHS!

Okay so maybe there are other factors that are clogging my mind as well so much that nothing that I am doing at this point in time is constructive. I finally met HIM in the canteen during my lunch break today and OMG. I never felt this way before. I never thought that meeting him will evoked so much in me as though I hadn't gotten over him yet. I really feel like shit. I SO HATE MYSELF!

Shirin and I have been talking about giving people chances. It's just so hard to give a guy this chance to like me when I know that I won't be able to love him. I mean it wouldn't be fair to the guy. Sigh. So much for being lonely and wanting to get out of it. I suppose life is worth more than getting into relationships, to love and be loved, to rush assignments, to deal with freshies who are plain noisy in the library or even writing academic papers. There's much more to life for me to deal with.

I hate it when I have to spend my long breaks alone. It seems like even though I want to get started with my work and assignments, I can never get to it. Sighs. Another hour to go before my next class. RAH!!!

School is in its third week already. Deadlines are finally making their way into my life and I am trying hard to keep up with them.

Had my first audio production class on Monday and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I love it when I get to go into the Audio Editing Suite and just play around with the mixer and of course spend some quality time with Zheng Ying, my 'girlfriend'. Haha... Well I sound really different on radio and haha... I've mastered the art of sounding 'sexy' on air. LOL! OH!!! We were suppose to do this interview and Randy and Daryl decide to do it in Daryl's car. When they came back, Randy smelt of the car freshner which is lemon scent. OH MY GOODNESS. He left a trail of his scent wherever he went and it was so funny because people were obviously talking about him when we walked around in school. He still smells like lemon though and it's been three days already.

DEADLINES! I now really understand the meaning of the word. The dates are getting to me. I figured that every break I have no will no longer be for slacking but for doing all my assignments. I realised how tight time is for this semster and boy, do I wish that I am back in year 1. Whoever said that Poly life was slack and all ought to be shot. RAH!!!!

I have come to a sad realisation about my life as I travelled home on my own today. I am lonely, I have trouble in my relationship with God and I think I have a problem with myself.

One thing that is really bothering my would be my relationship with God. It has its high and low points but one thing that shocks me most is that it has more low points than high points. Maybe because I am too domineering in making my decisions that I cut out God's still small voice. I fail to be still before the Lord. I don't want to make the excuse that it's because of the society that I am in where all the pressures in life cloud my head that's why it's hard for me to be still before God. I definitely need to spend some time with God and find that He is real in my life again. I don't want to continue to sit on the throne that is suppose to belong to Him.

Lonely. Sigh I suppose this issue has been around for a pretty long time already. I hate it so much that when I am on my own I get so bothered by all the couples that are around me. It's not like they did anything to offend me but I suppose because I long for companionship that's why it affects me so much. This is truly one obstacle in my life that I must overcome. I am so afraid that this longing in me will sallow me up one day that I don't care which guy I meet, I just go into a relationship with him and obviously that is the last thing that I will want to do. Easy to say but hard to do.

If I continue to go on and on about the flaws I see in myself, I think I will just become more depressed. Like just now, I tried praying and when I realised that I didn't know what to say to God, I just broke down and cried. I mean I can't even do the simplest of things such as praying?! Maybe some of you will say that I put too much pressure on myself or wallowing in self pity but I suppose this is just some of the struggles that I go through. I don't expect people to sympathise with me or constantly try to come and keep me company so that I won't feel lonely. It has never been my intention in the first place.

This is just part of the growing up process I hope. I wanna have the self-confidence that I always long to possess and not be a worry-wart. I don't wanna struggle with my inner-self anymore. All I want is to be at peace with God.

Just got back from the SAJC band concert held at the SAJC Cultural Centre. I must say that this year's performance wasn't as fantastic as last year's though they had more audience participation and the theme was pretty interesting.

Somehow I just hate attending band concerts these days even though the love for music and band is still burning. I suppose it's because these concerts bring me back to the past which I can never forget. The nostalgia I feel just sitting in the audience is overwhelming. Like today when the band played this piece, Chanteys, it nearly brought me to tears because I remember how nice it was to be part of the band and the look on my conductor's face. The joy and the pain that we all went through to perfect pieces and present a good concert at the end of it. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't graduated from secondary school and of course my peers too. So that we can continue to make music togetherand just be merry. I love the clarinet section when MARY was around. We had so much fun. I miss the piggy family where we just conference late into the night and basically bonded. Never mind that we had school or band practice the next day, all we did together was to have fun.

Enough about the past. Time to move on. So today was a pretty long day in school because I had a four hour tutorial. I had fun in multi-cam production playing with all the hand signals, the cameras, lighting and the instantaneous editing stuff. It's fun. Though I think tension will always be present in the TV recording studio becauase we must always be alert and knowing me, at that hour of the day, all I want to do is to SLEEP. And one thing I noticed about myself, I don't look good on camera so maybe I should change the direction that I am heading in. No more broadcast journalism but print?

It is just weird that during tutorial we didn't have any questions and because of that we were released early. Me being so nice, decided to stay and wait with Zheng Ying for her boyfriend to finish class. Of course I did have an ulteral motive too, that was to take the bus with her so that she can tell me where to alight and walk to Potong Pasir MRT station. =p So while waiting we decided to call Randy to wait together with us so that he can entertain us with his nonsense. Hahaha. It was kind of a right thing that we called him because we did have a good laugh. Of course at the end of the day, I didn't manage to take the bus with Zheng Ying because her boyfriend still hadn't finish class by the time I needed to leave for the concert.

I wish that time didn't pass so quickly, I wish I hadn't grown up. I wish that we were still making music together, I wish your passion didn't die. Maybe all I want for you know is to rekindle the passion you have for playing the clarinet and mesmorise me again. Let me feel the nostalgia I use to feel, let me feel your passion once again.

Finally I got a taste of what is it like to have a rather full day in school with lessons starting from 10 in the morning and only ending at 6. It is really tiring and it kinda sux having to come home and settling my meal on my own. Came back to nap after dinner.

I suppose it is a good thing that I am studying Socio Psychology on top of studying general Psychology as my CDS. At least I am at an advantage against my peers because I understand the topic more. However, it can be rather tiring having to study that for an entire day. Thursdays are my Psychology days and oh boy, my brains are fused!

I wouldn't mind majoring it in university along with studying broadcast journalism. That is if I can be admitted to university too. Sigh, I didn't get my wish to be in the Director's Honours List for CMM but I suppose it will be my aim for my second year of study. DO WELL!!! I am really going to mug and mug. I have been slacking for the past few days and this ain't a good sign. I hate myself for slacking.

Today Zheng Ying asked this really weird question while we were discussing our Basic Media Research project in the library. She asked if it was okay for two friends, a guy and girl to kiss even if they are attached to other people. It just seemed plain weird. I mean kissing is such an intimate gesture between two people even if it means a simple peck on the cheek in our Asian culture. I suppose I can except that simple peck on the cheek between friends but I draw the line should that friend or me be attached. Things happen when such initmate acts are performed between friends. Misunderstandings can happen too.

Right, so today I went to school for lectures only but I had good fun during multi-cam production lecture. I learnt that there is a SHIT button on our remotes! Hahahahaha. It's when we change the channels because there are shitty programs and we say 'shit' when we change the channels. So cool right?? Haha. I am starting to love Ms Chee. =)

After lectures today met Kaman to go shopping! Okay, I went out with the intention to I suppose buy something for myself or not buy anything at all. I was TEMPTED. SERVERLY TEMPTED. But but I didn't buy anything for myself because I kept thinking of the driving lessons that I am going to take. So Ya. BUT I did buy something. I bought for my mother her mothers' day present. This hand and foot cream from this super ex place. Cost me $60 but I suppose that cannot be measured with how much my mother has sacrificed for this family. Even though it is a lot of money to me, I suppopse it's all worth it. That's what I have been telling myself since I signed for the purchase.

SO SAD!!! I broke the necklace that Lance gave to me during Christmas. Sobs Sobs. Oh wells.

So it's already the second week of school and I am TIRED. But then again at least it's good that school has started. Many assignments are coming my way!!!

Nothing really interesting in has been happening in school just that now we are devising ways not to be in the same project group as HER. I think it will just be pure torture having to work with her again. It happened once and it will never happen again.

Started giving tuition to this Primary 5 kid. Oh boy! Now I know how tough it is to teach a child. Their attention span is really short. So tough! But I am not giving up now because I really want to give my parents the money.

Ah Randy accompanied me to TM today to get the kid's assesstment book. And it was so nice of him to take the bus with me back home even though it was raining soooo heavily. =)

Tomorrow is a brand new day. I hope things will be better.