Thursday, May 31, 2007
♥ 20:55
I'm filled with mixed emotions as I watch "Music & Lyrics" again. I don't know why but I know that I'm trying super super hard not to be hung up on things that I shouldn't be. Trying to have a super positive outlook of life isn't that easy as you would think that it is. Some people are born naturally to be more negative and there are some who are really positive. I think I belong to the group that tends to be more negative even though I may not seem like this to many people.
Everyday I feel like I'm dragging myself to work. Much as I wish that I would start to love my job as much as I loved it when I first started my internship, I find it tougher and tougher. I realised that everything may not be as glamourous as it seems and no matter how others think that I'm being paid more, we are in fact still working for a petty sum. Hai. It's not that I want to complain or what-so-ever. I wish that I would be able to take leave off from work to have some time away from the office, to enjoy the days I had as a student. I really wonder if one day, I will ever find a job that I will love.
It sux having to turn on the television and watch programs that perpetually speak about love. I finished reading "Boy Meets Girl" in the office yesterday and somehow I felt even worse than before. I really don't know what to do anymore. Even though I am grateful for singlehood and being able to serve God with whatever free time I have, I do wish that I have someone around for me. It may seem that I have someone in mind, but I don't know what to do. I want to be like that godly woman that is spoken of in the book. I don't want to rush into things or even be the one that makes the first move because I don't want to end up undermining the guys's leadership. Sighs.
Please teach me to be patient. Please open my heart, ears and eyes to see what You've planned for me.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
♥ 21:11
The weekends never seem long enough for me to rest and before I know it, Monday is here again and I'm heading back to work tomorrow. I wish the weekends were more that just a mere 48 hours but 72 hours! Mondays are such dreaded days in the office because time seems to be practically crawling. Even though I have stuff to do now, I wish I don't have to go back in the first place. You know I've finally come to fully appreciate the notion about having holidays. Going to work every single day and not being able to take leave has almost become a dread.
I feel like everything is taking a toll on my body. My back feels like it's breaking half the time. TERRIBLE BACKACHES. I feel old just complaining about it. Though I do wish that I can fall ill then u know, I can take mc and not go to work. It's a very bad thought I know but I guess I'm really longing for a good break.
Someohow, there's this extravangant spree in my household. It's not that I don't encourage them to indulge once in a while but to do it at one shot, it is really extreme. I mean if we have been blessed abundantly and have the financial capabilities, I've got nothing to complain about. Even though I wish that they would willingly sponsor me for my air ticket should I go for a holiday, I don't want to be solely dependent on them.
Parents ultimately will try to accomodate all the requests that we make but we need to know how not to take advantage of them. Now that I'm working, I truly understand why they say that it's hard to earn money because as you can tell here, no matter how I hate my job, I still grit my teeth and press on. I am sure some of our parents feel like that too. Let's be more understanding and well, be more mature in the way that we spend our money.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
♥ 23:38
Just as I mentioned to my tutor that I had nothing much to do in the office except going to the store room, work starts making their way to my table. I now have quite a fair bit to do in the office. Not that I'm complaining that I finally have work, I just wish that I can bring my work to a nice place to do rather than be stuck at that desk where I'm all holed up.
Well I did the most insane thing I've done so far. Walking from Suntec to Vivo City. HAHAHAHA. I know I know, all of you must think that I'm mad. Good thing for a friend that was nice enough to walk with me. =) The walk was all worth it when we went to the sky garden and WOAH! THERE WERE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL STARS!!! I like...haa.
Had SYNOD Youth Games today. Was quite happy to meet up with some friends that I hardly have the time to catch up with. YAYY. Though we didn't play very well, I guess suffice to say we all did have some sort of fun.
I don't know why but my outlook of life recenly has been rather bleak. I mean I'm not entirely unhappy with what I have but I wish I have more. I don't know what has gotten into me. It's not like I'm really old and haven't accomplished anything. Sighs.
Monday, May 21, 2007
♥ 21:15
Realised that I haven't blogged for a few days. There's nothing much to really blog about. Thank God for a relatively good turnout for the event in church on Saturday. I hope everyone had good fun including our station marshalls who had fun getting me wet. HAHAHAHA. It was enjoyable and I did have fun except for this minor incident. Well, my phone was stolen during the event. I admit, it was probably carelessness on my part for leaving my phone out there to tempt the person. I just pray that the person will stop stealing and will not do it again. I wasn't upset that the physical phone was missing but more of my SIM card which stored most of my numbers and of course the messages that were in the phone. Well, I just gotta slowly collect all the numbers again.
Work is getting on my nerves somehow. I really hate stepping into office even. No, I'm not being ill-treated there but it's more like I cannot handle the idea of me sitting behind the desk or heading down to the store room again. ARGHS. I WANT SIP TO END SOON. Yea, wake me up when september ends. That's the best.
Mandy Moore - I Wanna Be With You Lyrics
I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of anything but you
Your breath on my face your warm, gentle kiss I taste the truth, I taste the truth
We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more
[CHORUS]
I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the on who's in your arms to hold you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
So I'll hold you tonight like I would if you were mine to hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch that I've wanted so much to feel before, to feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this
[CHORUS]
Oh, baby
I can't fight this feeling anymore(anymore)
Drives me crazy when I try to
So call my name and take my hand
Can you make my wish, baby, your command(command)?
Yeah
[CHORUS]
Oh yeah
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you, ooo, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be, You
Yeah yeah I wanna be, I wanna be with you
(Repeat line above)
(Whisper) I wanna be with you
Friday, May 18, 2007
♥ 23:27
Finally after so long, I met up with my poly friends today! We had a major time laughing our ass off talking about our internship experiences and well, the people around in our course. Nahhh it was more like talking about how everyone is now, no major bitching. I really miss going to school. Work is starting to be such a dread because I keep having to go back to the store room. Probably after the past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion that I cannot have a desk bound job. I simply am not cut out for it because I lose my enthusiasm too quickly.
In my heart, all is forgiven and I've stopped being mean by praying prayers that will end up hurting people. I just wonder what is happening at this point in time. It seems like friends that seem to have said that our friendship is dear, has drifted so far away that I don't know if we can even be considered friends anymore. Maybe we've all changed so drastically that you and I may not know each other. I suppose I'm searching for some answers. Maybe you can help me too.
I can't wait for the days to come where I can finally do the things that I really like. To work in a job that I really love.
Monday, May 14, 2007
♥ 10:19
I went to watch SRT's Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning Park on Friday evening together with Rachel. It was definitely an experience to remember, watching a play under the stars and even being given the opportunity to dance with the cast on stage at the finale. I really enjoyed myself. Well, *cia did ask if I wanted to go again and I actually wouldn't mind. =)
Rachel and I joked about us having to find boyfriends that would enjoy all these musicals and plays because it seemed almost difficult to find such guys here in Singapore that would accompany us for such stuff. HAHA. Well, there were A LOT of good-looking caucasians. HURHUR. Whatever the case is, going for such stuff is definitely one area that I would spend money on. I hope to be able to fly to London and New York to watch musicals there. It would be the time of my life.
Saturday was pretty interesting as well. Went to church in the afternooon to try the games for this coming Saturday's YZ Annual Challenge. I shall not spoil the fun but I really really thank God that I'm a group marshall. HAHAHAHHAA. Had dinner at this really nice peranakan place at Katong after YAM with my family. The food there is SEDAP!!! Really good but of course the price was like...If I marry a rich man, I could probably go there for meals rather often.
Mother's day was yesterday and well, my plans of surprising my parents with musical tickets were dampened because my aunt asked about the musical that I had bought tickets for my parents for. But nonetheless, I made my parents happy because they were finally going to watch a musical at the Esplanade Theatre for the first time. Money well-spent I suppose.
There has been nagging horrible feeling in my heart. I wonder what triggered it but I hope that it isn't telling me something bad. Btw, I'm blogging in my office again. HAHAHA. I know that it's not really good but well, I simply have no mood to search for the data that I'm suppose to submit tomorrow morning. Sighs. Just let this day pass quickly.
If the Rain Must Fall
James Morrison
Oh life can be strange
Good and bad in so many ways
And in time you will find
That things are not always what they seem
Well i've got something to say
But you might laugh, joke or run away
Coz i'm awkward and nervous
Sometimes i dont say much at all
But if the rain must fallIf i lose it all
If the world comes down and takes my soul
If the sky turns black
And theres no no way back
It won't matter much to meI
f i had youAll i need is your love
That's all i need
All i need is your love
Oh well dreams can come true
if you know inside you really want them to or you can sit you can wait
You can leave your fate in someone elses hands
Oh but I, I want you
And nothing else can make me feel the way you do
So i'm waiting, i'm wishing
That it's me you'll be holding tonight and every night
Thursday, May 10, 2007
♥ 11:55
I'm sitting in my office now pretty much cleared quite a fair bit of paper work this morning with tons more to complete later. Haven't blogged in a couple of days because I suppose my life is as uninteresting as it can be.
Part of my job scope is to do media clippings and therefore, I have been reading a lot of newspapers. Each day as I browse through the papers, I feel for the people who have lost their homes, their loved ones, their belongings because of some natural disaster or disaster that could have been avoided. It's really sad. Like yesterday's paper had this picture of a old man who was looking at the remains of his house after it had been struck by a tornado. He was crying and at that moment, I knew I was going to start crying too. I cannot imagine being in their situation because I will never experience this here in Singapore. Maybe for once, all of us should stop complaining about our situations because there are others out there who are worse than us.
Also because I spend so much time in my office and each time I take a break, my mind wonders. It's been pretty much a tough few days as my mind somehow treads back to memories, events, words that I don't really want to remember. It hasn't been easy because each time that happens, the mood is ruined for the entire day and I can't seem to work. Much as I try to tune my head to not go there, it's hard to control. It doesn't help that Michael Buble is on repeat on my computer because I can't technically store much music in my computer and sometimes it just triggers. It's a good thing somehow that each time I feel a crying episode coming, a colleague would just walk into the office and hence, I don't start.
I always pray that this is because I'm being hormonal and not because I don't want to let go of all my ugly, hurtful past. I should really embrace the way things are now that I don't have any obligation to anyone besides my parents and God. Silently, my heart still pines for someone I guess. If it's any consolation, I'm grateful for friends who are around me.
It's a long and bumpy road when one tries to move on from anything that had hindered him/her especially when it concerns the affairs of the heart. Sometimes I only have myself to blame for letting things fall through because of my insecurities; for not seizing opportunities that would propel me to being a better person than I already am; for letting people go because I am so unsure of myself.
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
Bee Gees
I can think of younger days
When living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
But I was never told about the sorrow
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again
I can still feel the breeze
That rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow
No one said a word about the sorrow
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
♥ 22:13
Issit me or is there something wrong with blogger? The page in which I blog at is entirely weirdly aligned. I don't think the buttons work either! THIS SUX. Anyway, my office is falling apart. This is rather serious because I mentioned about the smell of my office. The highlight of my office falling apart was that we had a major flooding in our office last night because the contractor for Food Republic somehow burst the sprinkler at our door and the rest is history. I walked into office this morning and thought that some rat died in the office because the smell was horrid. Anyway it will take 3 days for the carpet to dry and then we have to suffer with the horrible smell again. SIGHS. The door broke this afternoon too. HAHAHAHA. Don't ask me who broke it because I ain't sure either.
The excitment about SIP has worn off totally already because I want to be a student again. I want to be a student in school NOW! I suppose that's why everyone encourages me to enjoy studying while I can because being a student is so much better than working. I feel rather uptight at work these days. Not that I really hate my working environment but I guess I hate it that my timing is not my own anymore.
Went to catch Spiderman 3 on Sunday. NAHHHH didn't think it was all that the critics kept raving about. I mean the show could have been much better especially the parts which I felt was too draggy. There are a few movies which I wanna catch soon. Like 28 Weeks Later, Pirates and Shrek! TIME TO SAVE MONEY AND LOOK FOR MOVIE KHAKIS AGAIN!
Tomorrow is back to work again. Somebody save me!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
♥ 23:25
I struggle to find the right words to say whenever someone confides in me. I struggle even more when my heart feels all funny and I still have to say the most sensible things so as now to hurt a person's feelings. Yet, admist all my struggles, I hope the words I utter are the ones that the person wants to hear but yet are the most snesible things I can say to you.
I'm suppose to be praying about the words I would utter for tomorrow's worship but I can't seem to concentrate. My heart is burdened, it feels funny and really it's the time when I feel that I'm letting my heart rule my head. I need this to reverse itself. I need to be sensible and clear headed. I need wisdom to lead worship tomorrow.
Lord, please help me. This week has been tough and I really don't wish for this to carry on. Help me get on with life and not choose to dwell in things that will make me run away from the harsh reality of this world.
I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the right man was on the wall
If I don't land
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
Thursday, May 03, 2007
♥ 23:56
My office didn't smell that bad today. God answered my prayers. Yet I still had this headache because of the smell of the office. I'm glad that at least I managed to finish quite a fair bit of work today.
Met Joyce, Jocelyn and Kyna for dinner today. Well, our conversation somehow revovled around a lot about us and our relationships. Many many thoughts ran through my head as the small talks were going on. I suppose in my heart I was wondering when will be the time in which God will think that I am ready for a relationship.
Very often, it seems like I passed up a lot of relationships that could have happened because I keep saying that I need to pray about it. I suppose having put God first place in my life helps me decide on all these decisions. Though it may seem like He wants me to wait, I know that it's really for my own good. He would probably only allow me to get into a relationship when He thinks that I have fully put down my past relationship and all the hurt I allowed myself to feel when I got emotionally invovled when I shouldn't.
SIGHS. That's why I always say, please be patient with me. Let God make the decisions for us. No point rushing into things when I know that it wouldn't be pleasing in God's sight. Because who knows, even if a couple lasts for a few years, if the relationship ain't pleasing to God, you will still end up in heartache. I rather take my pick of enduring short term pain than long term pain.
I will not jump into anything without weighing all school of thought.
BON JOVI LYRICS
"I Want To Be Loved"
I had a roof overhead
Had shoes on my feet
Sure I was fed, but no-one was there
When I was in need, yeah
So who am I now?
Who do you want me to be?
I can forgive you, but I won't relive you
I aint the same scared kid I used to be
[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I aint gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna be loved
I wanna be loved
I found a picture
Our so-called family tree, yeah
I broke all the branches, looking for answers
Don't you know that aint how it's supposed to be
[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I ain't gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna give
I'm ready to try
Willing to lay it on the line
I wanna be loved
I wanna be
I aint gonna cry
I dont wanna scream
But i got so much left unsaid inside of me
[Chorus]
I just wanna be loved
I wanna be loved
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
♥ 21:31
WIth a head that is ready to crack at any time, I honestly don't feel like going to work tomorrow. The thought of having to step into an office that smells so horrible - the smell of carbon monoxide and dust, is just putting me off. It's not that I don't enjoy my job but because the smell is overwhelming, I cannot work. I keep having headaches because of the smell and because of that, I simply cannot work. How on earth am I going to survive in that office? I just want to GET OUT of my office.
I'm so excited that Chuan Yao is coming back! HAHAHAHA. We talked today and really, it's just so exciting that he's coming back. Maybe I can't wait as well because it would kinda mark the middle of my internship already. Everyday is flying by quite quickly and before I know it, I would probably be back in school already.
What is it that I really want in life? What do I want to do or be? I don't know. Hmms. Though I say that God is in control, the stubborn streak in me would be screaming the world's ideals =. I just pray that I'll be obedient and humble to let God lead the way.
Last Request lyrics by Paolo Nutini.
Slow down, lie down
Remember it's just you and me
Don't sell out, bow out
Remember how this used to be
I just want you to know something, is that alright?
Baby let's get closer, tonight
[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh
I've found that I'm bound to wander down that long way road, ohhh
And I realise all about your lies,
But I'm no wiser than the fool that I was before.
I just want you to know something, is that alright?
Baby let's get closer, tonight.
[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh
Baby, baby, baby
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?
[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh
[chorus]
Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders
Lay down beside me
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me, ohhh
ooohhhh wohhhhohhh, yeah
Lay down beside me
One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me.
