She tread home with her heart skipping in tandem with each step she took. She looked up into the sky and all she saw was the full moon and sky filled with stars. At that moment, her heart stopped skipping and marveled at the sight, praying so hard that he was with her to see this together.


Finally the end of the week has come once again and well this weekend would be one that is really packed with the retreat. Not that I'm complaining just that there is a lot that will be happening. Somehow I leave the retreat each time feeling more drained than refreshed. I hope that this year we would see a refreshing change and ideas being exchanged.

Work is just as normal as it can get. There's nothing more that I can contribute to the company given the amount of chances that I have been given. Honestly, I wish that no one else has to go through what I'm going through. Wasting 24 weeks of your life is just draining. I swear, by the end of this 24 weeks, my brain cells would have diminished and I would be functioning at a really slow pace.

I wished that it was my holidays already. There are so many activities that I want to do, so many places that I want to go. I want to go to the zoo, then there is Sentosa. Plus wanting to do the long awaited movie marathon. I want to be able to sit down somewhere to read, chill and relax. Not to have to stress over things that are happening. I'm seriously yearning for a good holiday.

My mind, body and soul are thirsting for a change. I need a change in my lifestyle, schedule, EVERYTHING.

My mood has probably improved considerably over the past week though I still feel at times that the weight of the world is crumbling down on my shoulders.

Went to watch fireworks on Friday and Saturday evening. Well it was a nice experience. (: Fireworks never fail to try to cheer me up whenever I am feeling down. Though it may not have been as fantastic as the one I watched last year, I am glad I went down to watch.

That's all for now.

As she opened her eyes to see and her ears to listen, whatever that is left of her heart to feel, she saw the answers to all her unanswered questions before her very eyes. She knew that she had to step away from everything to let them feel their happiness and their warm embrace. She never could really understood why he had chosen to be so close to her while waiting for the other person to finally reciprocate his feelings. Maybe if she chose to put herself in his shoes, it would only serve to make the pain even more excruciating. She cannot look at the both of them in their eyes, for fear that they would notice the pain that she's going through. In the silence of her heart, she can only wish for the best. It doesn't matter how many tears had fallen from her eyes, as long as she knows that they are happy.

For those of you who are wondering what is happening to me and why I was crying in church, all I can tell you is that at the end of the day, I just hope that my life turns out fine. The fighter in me has finally thrown in the towel. I have no more emotional, mental and physical capability to fight the battles that I've been thrown into. Every morning I ask myself why is there so much shit that I have to go through?

I am trying to find that fighting spirit back. I'm just sad that things are never the same as before. I've really never felt so alone, feeling my way in the dark. I know that this is the battle I have to fight alone, yet it seems like all of you have just walked away. I don't know anymore if anyone cares.

I feel like I'm back to the times that I lead my double life. Searing pain is felt inside yet on the surface, I look fine and normal. Those days were hard but now, it's even harder. Lives have been changed. Tears have been lost. Yet, the questions in me still remain.

The past few days haven't been the best of days. I cannot fully comprehend what has happened in my life a week ago. I cannot understand why God chooses the most awkward of times to let bad shit happen. I don't know why I feel like I'm treading a path that doesn't allow me to bring someone with me. I just feel alone.

Maybe in my subconscious I do know what is bothering me, maybe I don't. Maybe I choose not to admit to the reality of the situation post before me, choosing the path of blind ignorance instead. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yet, how true can that statement be when I feel so tormented inside. I wish I can explain this nagging pain, anguish and listlessness, but I cannot.

What am I hoping for? What do I want to achieve? Who is it that is bothering the crap out of me? Will that idiot ever be punished for changing the lives of my family forever? Will he ever be brought to justice and pay us back for ever single shit that he has caused us to go through?

Many of you would think that I should be rejoicing that I am even alive. I was until I started going on this downhill journey of not knowing what is really bothering me. These past few months have been so overwhelming with emotional turmoil that I thought I would be left void and numb. I was wrong.

In the deepest of the crevices of my heart, I sincerely not sure what am I hoping for. My genuine outlook of life just tells me, maybe it would have been better for me to have gone up to heaven on that day. I should be cherishing every single moment that I have now - the breath of life that was so freely given to me when it could have been taken away. Yet, my heartache is driving me insane. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS CAUSING ME TO FALL SO DOWN AND DEEP AGAIN?

Going back to school today was different. We have all grown so apart from each other except for those who actually work together in the same company or made travel plans together. I am standing even further away as compared to the times that we had spent in school. I just learn to keep silent and believe that I'm not an outsider.

If you can actually jump into my head and tell me what am I thinking, who I really am, I would gladly appreciate you doing that. The torment and pain is simply excruciating.

Will You Still Love Tomorrow
Amy Winehouse


Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

So last night was Seasons of Life and well, I'm glad for the outcome though we still need to go through the evaluation forms. God has definitely showed His sovereignty through this event by holding up the weather till we completed the last stop. Even though we couldn't get to see the sunrise during the message, at least they finished the task and got to experience what we wanted them to.

I don't know but today really doesn't seem like a good day at all.

I'm thankful that I am even writing this post now. On my way home on Sunday evening from my aunt's place, my family and I got involved in a car accident. It was serious because my dad's car has become a total wreck and well, it's a new car so I guess we won't have a car any time soon again.

Well, to cut the long story short, the other driver had come straight at my dad's car at a high speed and then my mum got into shock while I hit my face and suffered from whip leash. We were brought to the hospital in an ambulance and it was definitely the most traumatic experience. I am still recovering from the shock and of course the injuries sustained. I have a fear each time I have to get out of the house now. After almost losing my life, you really realize how important your life is. All problems I face seem to be so minute as compared to the reality of losing my life.

I guess when everything happened, I really thought I was going to die. With the impact and everything, if you were in my position you would have thought the same thing. When I was in the hospital alone, I wish someone was there to tell me that everything would be okay.

Whatever it is, I am thankful to be still alive.

This entire week would have been the most trying of the lot since I've started working. The juggling of every little detail from church to my own life to work is really tough and just when you thought that you have juggled everything well, everything crumble into pieces right before your very eyes.

Having to deal with the feelings of going to a place that you don't feel welcomed in is hard enough but when the people there start turning their backs on you, the feeling becomes so intense that you want to do something drastic. In my case, it almost means throwing in the towel, quitting and then fail my entire course in poly. It may be stupid in this case but I'm so exhausted trying to please everyone only to have them turn around and say that I've not been doing things that I have been. If you know me well enough, I hate to earn money and not be doing anything in the office that deserves me earning so much. Hence, when I have nothing to do, I would constantly ask for work until I guess people would think that I am irritating. Yet, I've been accused of not taking the initiative to ask for work and they think that I am under performing. But I ask myself, how can I be performing if I am not given enough opportunities to showcase myself? I don't want to deal with all these anymore. Just let the last 8 weeks fly by so quickly.

I wish I had that special remote in the show, Click!. I don't care if I would be missing out on a lot of things because I choose to fast forward and go past this internship period. I just want it to be over! I know I am not a quitter but a fighter, yet, I think I've tried hard enough. No more energy to fight with emotions that overwhelm me everyday.

On hindsight, this week was also one that was rather exciting with Mids Underway and sending Jon off at the naval base. It was a fun time when we headed down for underway in town and meeting up with his friends who were really friendly and funny. I had a good time laughing at all the jokes. Definitely a good way to unwind from everything that is happening. Sending Jon off was really weird because we were there with his parents. Good thing they were friendly too so there weren't any awkward silences between all of us. 6 weeks will pass really fast I suppose.

Seasons of life this coming week. BUSY BUSY BUSY. I rather be busy about church than with anything else. Just praying very hard that more kids will sign up in the next few days so that we can hit our target.

Oh wells, get me through the next 8 weeks.