Monday, April 30, 2007
♥ 23:33
It's been a long a tiring day. Coupled with the exhaustion from yesterday's very long meeting, I can say that I'm suffering from fatigue. Today was a rather crazy day of work as I tried to clear as much as possible before going back to work on Wednesday.
I went on my first site visit today and in all honesty, I felt that today's group was not really that interested in the tour. Nonethless, it was an eye opening experience as I learnt more about the convention centre and how to conduct site visits in future. It kinda spurred me on to like read up on the handbook that was given to me on the first day so that I can aid in all these visits.
THE SMELL OF MY OFFICE IS KILLING ME. It smells as though there is carbon monoxide coupled with dust and everything else. It only creates such a horrible environment to work in that in all honesty, I wish something will be done. The environment is making me detest heading to the office to work. REALLY.
I need my break. I need a good and restful break. GIVE ME A BREAK!
Under My Skin
Rachel Yamagata
I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here, and for the moment the "we" is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes, I discover
That I like her
Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go
I'm in the dance, and it's a chance
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her
Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go
Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame
Oh, would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance, and you should go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know
Saturday, April 28, 2007
♥ 10:50
My body screams for a break but I keep pushing my body. I have no idea why. I sleep late, I work hard at work and at the gym, think I killed my feet with my heels. Yet, I can't sleep!! I'm tired really tired. Like last night, I knew I was tired and I was dozing off. I fell asleep and before I knew it, I was up again. It continued for the past 5 hours and really, all I wish I can do now is sleep.
I really need to pamper myself, pronto!Things at work aren't that bad really. I have survived 2 weeks at my job and I think I will truly enjoy myself at posting. You would think that engaging in retail therapy would help when one is in need of pampering and most probably to release stress. BUT it made me feel worse yesterday. No I didn't buy anything. I just didn't have any mood to shop. It's weird but yea, it happened.
I seriously don't feel like doing anything and just stay at home and rest. Like I said before, it is ironic that when we are busy we long for a break but when we are too free, we complain about how free we are. In all honesty in my mind there's only one thing. Go back to Perth for my well-deserved holiday. I really really want that break to be away from everything. To start afresh when I return. To know that I have no more loose ends to tie up. No more relations to cut off.
I don't want to just break down and cry in my office like how I've been feeling for the past few days. It's embarassing and what's worse, I don't want my colleagues to think that I am an emotional wreck. It's not a good thing and this is my internship that I cannot screw up. Oh wells.
If there's anyone who wants to bring me shopping just to accompany me or just to pick up the tab, let me know. =)
Dance with Me Tonight
Hugh Grant
It's been so long
Since I've known right from wrong
Got no choice
Sometimes I just sit down and sob
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh will you dance with me tonight?
When the Sunday nights
I feel a hole down in my heart
Put on some shoes
Come down here
And listen to the blues
Wondering if anything will go right
Oh will you dance with me tonight?
I'm looking you, you're looking at me
We're the only two off the dance floor
Do you see what I see?
Two long goodbyes
Working in harmony
I'd make for a decent time
So get up and dance with me
I know that it seems the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barbwire fence
But that other side is not in sight
So I'm fine with what I have now
If you'll dance with me tonight
What's the point of life if risk is just a board game?
You roll the dice but you're hoping that the rules change
What's the point if you can't bring yourself to say
The things you want to say
Like you'll dance with me tonight
Thursday, April 26, 2007
♥ 21:41
After a long day at work, the only thing I actually look forward to is to look up into the sky and be greeted with an array of stars. I find comfort in them I guess. Yet, the past few nights have been cloudy and so there aren't any stars for me to gaze at. I miss the times when I was in Australia where I could just look up to the sky and amazingly, the entire sky is lit with the millions of stars. I will never forget the time when I saw the milky way. It was almost like a dream come true.
Heading out of the gym today, I was walking along the streets of Orchard Road when I chanced upon this very young couple who are already parents to this baby. My heart dropped because it is a sad sight as I know that it will take A LOT for the couple to make things work as they are so young. I cannot imagine having my dreams dashed because of a moment of folly that results in a life being created. I don't pity them but instead I worry for them because I wonder would they ever be able to experience life to the fullest? Would they have enough life experiences to tell their child as he/she grows up and asks their parents about things that they probably have never gone through?
All I long for now is someone kind enough to give me a massage for my aching body. =(
She Cries
Jewel
Time passes quickly for our lady of the hour
She brushes her long blonde hair
From her face only to find a tear
But she don’t know why she’s been crying
She looks inside herself
To maybe find an answer
But she’s willingly distracted
By the man who like’s her glitter
She says, "fool, I ain’t gold."
She don’t even know she cries cuz she’s so tangled up in lies
In her head she plays a game
Pretending that she’s not the same lady who is cheating on her husband
With a man she hardly even knows
She says, "ignorance is bliss."
But when he asks her name
She must fumble for an answer
She’s been called so many
But now she can’t remember
So she just makes up another
And she don’t even know she cries cuz she’s so tangled up in lies
Now the dirty deed is done
She heads into the bathroom
She washes her hands in the sink
And thinks it could clean her conscience
If only she could find one
And slowly she turns and heads
For the door as if this were all a dream
She has seen her sweet husband’s face
But only like a fleeting glimse
Of all those bridges she’s been burning
All those bridges she’s been burning
And she don’t even know she cries
It should come as no surprise
Cuz she’s so tangled up in lies
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
♥ 22:01
As I watch footages on American Idol about the children, the people who are less fortunate, I remember the elderly that we visited on Sunday. They aren't exactly the poorest of the lot in Singapore I suppose but poor enough that they do not get to enjoy the luxury that we have. A simple meal of plain rice with soya sauce would be sufficient for them. What more about us when we are complaining about the food we have not being tasty enough? I think we should start appreciating the fact that we are fortunate enough to have food to be placed on our tables.
Appreicating life as it is would also mean appreciating those around us. I think saying a simple thank you when someone remembers you when presented with a good offer would be nice. I think us being human are just selfish and self-conceated that we are just all about ME ME ME. In all honesty, I feel very unappreciated at times. I think being nice is just me and therefore, people just take advantage of me. Don't take me for granted anymore. I hate it that people keep taking me for granted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted from dealing with all these emotional pain.
I think we all take each other for a ride from time to time. We aren't that perfect as humans. Yet I ask, if we hate it when people treat us indifferently, why do we do that too? It's really the logic of do unto others what you want other people to do to you. However, I think we all know, the world is not a perfect place and will never be unless all of us change to be the perfect humans. That would mean, choosing to be like God, possessing His qualities. Would that be possible? I am really unsure. Maybe you can provide me the answer.
In all honesty, I wish for people to understand me. I may not be the usual 19-year old that you will come across but there's someone hidden in me that is waiting to be appreciated. It makes me wonder, how many of you whom have known me for so many years can truly say that you've known the real me and truly appreciate me for who I am?
Tonight has been a rainy night. As I sit on my sofa and hear the raindrops hit the window, I really ponder hard over these questions.
Thanks For The MemoriesFall Out BoyI'm gonna make you bend and break
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show (let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that makes the words come to life
"Who does he think he is"
If that's the worst you've got better put your fingers back to the keys
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
One night yeah and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See He tastes like you only sweeter
ohhhhhh
I'm looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
Is always cloudy except for (except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past)
One night stand
One night stand, OH!
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter
They say I only think in the form of
Crunching numbers in hotel rooms
Collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind
Gets you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from
Getting you into the mood (wa-ooooohhh)
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you only sweeter
One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
♥ 20:32
Working can be exhausting even though there may have been nothing much to do in the office. Yesterday was a classic example. I came home from work and right after dinner, I fell asleep. Was suppose to wake up to do some stuff for church but in the end, I slept till this morning. This explains why I didn't come online last night.
Things in the office are getting more interesting as I am given more responsibilities. I suppose I look forward to challenges in my work so that I wouldn't feel that my job is mundane. It's ironic that I wanna go to work and yet, I feel sian at times. Oh wells.
My cousin was just sharing something with me the other day about her friend whose husband cheated on her twice. Relationships are as fragile as glass. It can be beautiful for all to see and admire but the next thing you know, it just shatters on the ground. The pieces pierce through your skin and hurts you. I feel sorry for her friend. I feel sorry for a friend of mine too.
What is it that makes us tick? What is it that makes relationships break? What I thought would be a long lasting just shatters before my very eyes. It's just sad. Is love something that we cannot believe in anymore?
Total Eclipse of The Heart
Bonnie Tyler
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youre never coming round
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and Im lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know Ive got to get out and cry
Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Theres nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Instrumental
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know youll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, but every now and then I know youll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know theres nothing any better and theres nothing I just wouldnt do
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And well only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and Im always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Sunday, April 22, 2007
♥ 22:47
Dear ___________Things have changed ever since that day you dropped the bombshell on me. Yes, it was definitely very shocking and well, hurting to a certain extent. Words probably cannot describe what I'm feeling inside but somehow, the anger within is not focused on you but on myself. Since that very day, I have only got one thing to ask myself all the time. Why did I even let it happen?! I mean, I am old enough to know what I want but yet, I still let myself be so emotional all the time. So it's really not your fault. There isn't any tension I suppose. Yeps. =)Love,dora
It is back to work again tomorrow. It's not that I am not looking forward to going back to the office to do the things that I have to do because it will be more interesting this week, but I guess I just miss having to plan my time in a more flexible manner. Working means I won't be able to catch movies at a CHEAPER price or just chill at coffee joints. I wanna continue writing short stories for friends too. OH WELLS.
I suppose it is when you're working that you truly appreciate student life. I can't wait to get back to school and be a STUDENT again. Oh wells. I heard this song by Rod Stewart on my way home. Man I really dig into oldies. They are GOOD.
I don't Want To Talk About It
Rod Stewart
I can tell by your eyes that youve probably been cryin forever,
And the stars in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
Blue for the tears, black for the nights fears.
The star in the sky dont mean nothin to you, theyre a mirror.
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I dont want to talk about it, how you broke this ol heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
♥ 09:42
Yesterday was definitely one of the worst days that I've experienced so far. Internship is getting more exciting as I am being assigned more tasks which includes purchsing shelving! I mean ok la, it's pretty cool that I get to shop for my department. Anyway, we had our department meeting yesterday and in my haste of going back to my office because I had quite a number of things to do, I nearly fell off the escalator as I was walking down. It was a good thing that I clung onto the handles for my dear life and I didn't fall.
Thank God for Deneuve when I had no one to go out with, she can be relied on. We went to watch Fracture after work and lo and behold, I kinda bumped into someone and his girlfriend. It shouldn't be a bad thing but of course I felt a bit wonky after seeing them. No, I am not jealous. Seriously. I am so not. Just that I don't know how to deal with such situations. I am like that whenever I see Yizhong and his girlfriend too. It's just weird. Period.
I've just been pigging out. EAT AND EAT AND EAT. I think it's an outlet for everything. I just eat. Oh wells.
Tears Dry On their Own
Amy Winehouse
All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I had to get accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached,
It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,
I don’t understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many better things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,
So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,
I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it's OK,
My deep shade,
My tears dry.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
♥ 21:19
Today must have been one of the most tiring day that I've experienced in a long time. Went to Boat Asia this morning with some of the Suntec staff and upon arrival, we met our charges, the children from Child@Street 11!!! They were so adorable!The innocence captured on their faces is just so overwhelming. The joy that they all have come from within and you know that it's genuine.
After presenting garlands to the GOH, CEO of the company and another gentleman, we brought the children around. Naturally they were so excited when they saw the jetski at the exhibition area and better still, the boats. They got onto the jetski in the end and of course, they were so excited.
Kids never fail to brighten up my day. Though it can be very exhausting to take care of them and entertain them, it's all worth it. These children don't come from well to do families but yet they are still happy.
Went back to office after the event. Was too tired to really do much but I was glad to have some time to have lunch with Karen. It was a time where we got to know each other and I think it helps in building the supervisor-intern relationship. Anyway, continued doing media clippings today.
I am definitely not looking forward to the upcoming weekend because I have nothing planned! Hmms....I better start getting used to not doing anything during the weekends. To usher in the weekend, I dropped my locker padlock on my toe. Seriously!!! Hai. Another working day tomorrow.
Artist: Hugh Grant Lyrics
Song: Don't Write Me Off Lyrics
It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines
Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax
And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants
And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
♥ 22:01
Today was my third day of work. Wouldn't say that it is exciting or boring. Was tasked to do A LOT of media clippings today. Not that I'm complaining but I wish the photocopier would stop being so tough to use. HAHA. Shirin and Allison dropped by the office today because they came to fill up some forms. They're starting work on Monday which means I have lunch khakis!!! YIPPEE!! Karthi dropped by too. Quite surprising.
Finally got my computer in working order again which means I can now play music while I'm working! So with that, I started loading songs into my WMP. As usual, the songs on my playlist were rather well, got me into that mood where I know I cannot let it affect me anymore. In any case, I'm glad I pulled through the day without letting the mood affect me so much that I couldn't work.
Will be going to Sentosa tomorrow for the Boat Asia 2007 official opening. Rather excited because I don't know what to expect. In addition, we'll be bringing this group of children there. Can't wait to play with them.
Went to watch 'The Reaping' yesterday after work. I must say that the twist in the plot was rather clever.
I wish I wouldn't be affected by straying thoughts. I wish for a new life. I wish I wasn't that sentimental. I wish I hadn't make all those stupid mistakes in the past. I wish I hadn't taken my own sweet time to test the waters. Whatever it is, I wish that I am not me.
Take Me Away
Lifehouse
This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
(chorus)
Take me away
Take me away
Ive got nothing left to say
Just take me away
I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I dont know what else I can do
Cause Ive seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
(repeat chorus)
Dont give up on me yet
Dont forget who I am
I know Im not there yet
But dont let me stay here alone
Ive seen it all
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Ive seen enough
And its never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
(repeat chorus)
Take me away
Take me away
Monday, April 16, 2007
♥ 21:36
I survived my first day of internship. It wasn't that bad after all. Spent the entire morning having orientation and I really never knew that the convention centre itself was so big! My feet are killing me from walking so much in my heels. Shook a lot (I really mean A LOT) of hands today, introducing myself to the other staff there. Met the rest of the department today and well, I was pleasantly surprised to meet my senior from secondary school. It probably pays that there is a familiar face.
Didn't do a lot in the office after orientation. Felt so bad because I was basically making them looking for things for me to do, otherwise I would have nothing to write in my log book for today. Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.
I think I'm evil. I keep uttering this prayer of mine that I wish God would answer. Aiya I hate this time of the day. I just get all emo again. The hour is becoming earlier and earlier as I sleep earlier to go to work. HAI.
What Hurts The Most
Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
Sunday, April 15, 2007
♥ 00:11
It was YZ's 8 anniversary celebrations yesterday. Believed everyone had great fun and I thank God that everything went smoothly. In a way, I am relieved that everything is over already. Wore my sister's dress to the party and everyone commented that I looked pretty - like a bridesmaid.
I've come to realise that even the prettiest dress or the nicest comments cannot make anyone happier when the person is not feeling too happy. I probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but well, maybe I'm just a sad person. Didn't eat much today either. I surely hope I'm not trying to kill myself.
Kaman's flying off in about 6 hours. You're a brave girl for going on this journey. I will miss you sooo much. Make sure you come back in one piece okae?? We went out with her on friday evening and we had a good time just chilling over dinner. She cried when we gave her the presents that we made..felt like crying along with her too. Nad's a funny girl who brightens up your day because of her innocence. Mel is the one who is the chirpy yet cute one in our clique whereas Zheng Ying takes the spot for the 'emo' kid with her make up. Huimin on the other hand, is just our resident cam whore. HAHAHAHAHA. I miss this group of girls. We gotta try to meet up during our SIP.
We're all embarking on this new journey which almost determines our future. I suppose it's an adventure being in the workforce for a solid 6 months but I believe we'll all pull through. I'm looking forward for meeting clients and all that is required of me during this internship. At least with a regular job, my mind wil be occupied.
Hurt by Christina Aguilera
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Friday, April 13, 2007
♥ 00:51
OMG. I JUST TYPED SOMETHING ON MY BLOGGER AND THE ENTIRE POST DISAPPEARED! ARGHS. I think it went something like today it's Friday the 13. Not like I should be bothered by this apparent jinxed day but apparently it's happening.
A striking question came about as I was talking to a friend just now. What on earth am I here for? Truthfully, I don't think we know the answer to that question except for God. God holds the keys to all these locks that we cannot unlock. I guess when the day comes for Him to answer all these questions, I will know the answer. In all honesty I do have a lot of unanswered questions. Questions that bother me from time to time. I guess I need to be patient and wait for the answers.
I'm in that shit emo mood again. I hate it that I'm emo. I hate it when emotions get the better of me. ARGHS. I just want to stop being me. Stop being so arghs. I don't know. I am starting to hate myself for it. I am afraid I will do something stupid spending too much time at home or being alone at home. SIGHS.
I wish I was the one going to China for my internship. I think time away from Singapore would do me some good. YIP! I DON"T WANT YOU TO GO TO CHINA!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I think I will miss this dear girl so much when she's there for 6 months. She's not even gone and I am missing her already. If not for her and my group of friends in poly who kept me so real and kept me in check, I would have gone crazy in this course.
I've got spray paint on my manicured nails. ARGHS. I'm in a shitty emo mood. SIGHS. Anyway, I was on my way to church today to do some stuff and I was listening to Take That. I totally agree with this song...
Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost,
I'm feeling your frustration.
Any minute all the pain will stop.
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight,
don't be too hard on my emotions
Cause I need time.
My heart has no feeling.
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience.
I really wanna start over again,
I know you wanna be my salvation.
The one that I can always depend.
I'll try to be strong. Believe me,
I'm trying to move on,
It's complicated but understand me.
Cause I need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
Just try and have a little patience,
Yeah, have a little patience, Yeah
Cause these scars run so deep,
It's been hard,
But I have to believe in me.
Have a little patience,
Have a little patience,
Woah, Cause I, I just need time,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing,
just try, and have a little patience,
Have a little patience,
My heart is numb has no feeling,
So while I'm still healing
just try and have a little... Patience
I don't want to be me. I want to be like a child whose concern is for herself, fun and food alone.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
♥ 12:15
So I spent more time with my dear cousin yesterday while running some errands and before meeting a friend for dinner. Been pigging out a lot with my cousin lately and obviously I haven't gone to the gym. Coco Pops has been my best friend for the past two weeks as I spend time at home. Chocolate is a form of therapy I realised.
It's going to be a long day ahead preparing for YZ Anniversary. I am still trying to work out who's coming and who's not. Wondering if I should extend the invitation to certain people. SIGHS.
I was just reading this story I wrote last year - a love story. It made me wonder what was going through my mind as I wrote the story. Was I hoping that the story would happen in reality or was I just living out a dream? For those of you who have the story in your possession, may it bring you insight on probably what's running through my head.
Am I a sad person? I would think so. Yet, I am glad that I have friends around me who care and lift me up in my darkest days. I'm thankful that they drive me crazy with their ideas of trying to get "revenge" in a bid to cheer me up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice but that wouldn't be the me that everyone knows. I can only pray to be stronger and to be brave.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
♥ 09:04
All our bags were packed and we were leaving the house toward the airport. We were going to leave for a flight to Perth for our very first holiday together. As we checked in and walked through the departure gates, you turned to me and said this was going to be the happiest time of our lives. I believed you, I believed that this time alone would do us good.
Touching down at Perth's International Airport, you grabbed my hand like a little boy and dashed toward the immigration. I knew you were excited and the excitment had rubbed off me. Gathering our bags, getting the rented car, we drove toward our accomodation.
During the two weeks there, we did many things. Visiting farms, picking strawberries, going to see penguins, snorkling, shopping, eating, going to the beach - just spending time with each other.
Unfortunately, it was only a dream, a dream that I made when I went to bed last night. I wished it was probably true but no when I awoke and found myself in my own room, I knew that it only happened in lala land. I don't want to cling on to anything or to even dream about. I just wish that I could sleep peacefully.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
♥ 20:15
It's easter sunday and we are suppose to be rejoicing for the Lord our God conquered death on this day to sit at the right hand of God. I headed down to my dad's church today because my sister was getting confirmed. My dad was speaking about how because God lives, we live too. If someone traspassed against me and I feel hurt, God will heal the pain and mend the broken heart. When my dad mentioned that line, I knew I was going to crumble once again. It's so uncanny that God chose to use my dad to speak today and on this particular topic. Though my parents may not know anything, God had just used them to speak to me.
I can't wait to start SIP though I think I would die there. I pray that I would be able to assimilate into the work culture there. I pray that friends would call me out for lunch while I'm working or dinner after work. HAHAHA. Josiah if you're reading this, NO I AM NOT PAYING FOR OUR MEALS BECAUSE I"M EARNING $60 MORE THAN YOU.
Oh wells.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
♥ 22:01
I just watched a show all about faith, about forgiveness and most importantly, about love. These are the words that I would use to describe A Walk to Remember - the one show that I can watch over and over again but never get sick off. It's all about knowing what we really want in life I suppose and how God would make all these happen.
The beautiful words that were uttered in the dialogue of the movie are etched on my mind, leaving me little room to wonder what kind of love they actually shared. It brought to mind what we were discussing about during bible study today. What is the one thing that would lead us to walk away from God? Mandy Moore in the show said that she had no reason to be angry with God for inflicting her with illness and the probability of dying even before she can see the world. Then I asked myself, would I be so calm and trust God entirely?
I was probably afraid to admit it that if God's plan were for me to remain single for the rest of my life, I would find it difficult to stick with God. It may be the lamest reason on earth but this is really what I think would draw me away from Him. I'm afraid of being left alone. Anyway, I will not let this thought rule my head.
Life is all about ironies. When we were younger, we wish we would grow up. Now that we're older, we wish that we're younger. When we're busy, we wish that we would be more relaxed and vice versa. I wish that I was a kid now where the only things that would bother me would be having too much fun and just enjoying life. I really want that at this point in time. I want to be able to sleep well and to eat well and not be plagued by more sleepless nights or lost of appetites.
Friday, April 06, 2007
♥ 21:19
I just did this colorgenics thing that I found on a dear friend's blog and here is what it says about me:
Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.
You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.
You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.
You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.
At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?
How true are the words of this test! Oh wells.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
♥ 22:38
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
This was one of the songs that I heard while watching american idol just yesterday. I suppose the words are meaningful enough at this point in time. It should most probably be my anthemn each time I feel like crap.
Met Ally and Wx for lunch today. I thank God for you guys to be there when I was feeling like crap. Thanks Wx for telling me that if no one is there to take care of me, you as my kor would. It was heartening as I sat there, stoning through lunch. It's been a tough time, a tough morning but you guys made the effort to make me feel better.
Our conversation led to us acknowledging that the words, I Love You, are so sacred that should only be uttered when we are serious enough about a person and know that the person is the one that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. As mentioned before, words are the most important tools that we al can use.
I like to dream. To dream of things that would make me feel happy, to dream of situations that would excite me, to dream of you and me. I wonder what makes a dream come true. Do we have to fight for our own happiness or let it slip pass? I don't know.
It's Good Friday tomorrow and it seems that I'm not able to worship Him as much as I want. My heart is burdened and it's the truth.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
♥ 22:28
I want to tell you how I feel but I don't know how to. Many unanswered questions in my mind but I want to know if it's hard being friends because somehow I get the feeling that it is that hard for you. Let me know, because if it's hard, I will walk away and let you go.
♥ 22:03
I just got home from church and I wonder how strong I was during service because I knew I was about to break down and cry while hearing the message brought to us by God through Dr. David Howard.
I wonder if I would ever be able to be so humble to wash the feet of those who come into my house and be able to love those whom have sinned against me. To love them with the love that God has for them is truly difficult though not impossible. Will I ever be able to lay down my life for the sake of those who are around me? I don't possess the courage that the people have. In fact, I think I am a coward. A coward who cannot face up honestly to what I'm feeling because I want to take the easy way out.
This morning was a time which I kinda dread because I knew I was heading to the beach to film something for school. The beach is a place that I don't really want to go to at the moment even though it can be the most beautiful place to be at. I thought I was going to cry when I was there but I didn't.
With the blue sea and the clear sky, I just wished that I was there not because of filming but there to enjoy myself, to enjoy the company.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
♥ 11:15
If there's anything that I can pray for now is to be able to sleep and to wake up feeling good and not like feeling my insides are going to come out any minute. Is this intuition ever going to stop? I hate it when I feel something but nothing happens because I will keep feeling the weird thing all day long or even for days. My left eye is twitching even harder than before and I wish that it would stop.
I wish I can live my life as though nothing has happened. To love like I've never been hurt before. I kick myself in the ass wondering why I still like to watch my romance drama especially My Lovely Samsoon even though I've watched it so many times. What's worse, I wish that I had the romance they are having. JUST SHOOT ME. I want to be happy, to be free.
I pray for an iron heart. A heart that is hard yet mallable so that I won't be that emotional or hurt. I wish that I can't feel anything. I wish that my intuition is wrong half of the time.
Monday, April 02, 2007
♥ 23:59
Dance, like nobody is watching you.
Love, like you've never been hurt.
Sing, like nobody is listening you.
Work, like you don't need money.
Live, like today is the last day to live.
-Alfred. D. suja.
♥ 19:46
I tried so very hard to erase
all the things in my head
I tried so very hard to pick
up the pieces and
stick them back with my
best friend
Yet there's this thing in me
which is holding me back
No idea what it is but
I know I wanna be strong again
I wanna lead my life like
I have never done before
So give me the strength to
push on once again
♥ 16:54
Ever woke up in the morning feeling like your head is spinning, your insides are going to come out of your mouth because somehow you feel like something bad is going to happen? I woke up feeling this way this morning and even worse after i stepped out of the movie theatre.
Shirin stayed over last night. Thanks for coming over girl. I know you wanted to make sure that I was alright and to get me out of the house. So because she stayed over, she had planned our activities which was suppose to be watching chick flicks so that I could probably cry my eyes out and then fall asleep because I'll be too tired. In the end, the movie that we watched at home was just so crappy we took more interest in the conversations I was having online. I figured that both Chuanyao and Shirin had a great time agreeing about stuff.
Anyway, we decided to leave the house this morning to catch a chick flick which probably made me feel more terrible than before. The couple that was sitting next to me was just making out from the time that they sat down even when the lights were still on. Then came these ladies who were doing some commentry and phone calls. I seriously couldn't enjoy myself sitting there. I would love to watch the movie again.
I've come to the conclusion that chick flicks aren't technically the best shows you watch when you are in need of some form of therapy because couples would sit next to you doing god knows what. I mean hell ya, it's dark enough that no one would notice I suppose but hey since you paid money can't you be more considerate to the poor soul sitting next to you. Sighs. No I am not jealous because I didn't watch it with a boyfriend. I am just peeved.
I left the cinema feeling even more like crap and somehow I was thankful that I was coming back to my quiet home to find the solace and peace. Somewhere I know that I can just lie on my bed and stone. My bus journey home wasn't too pleasant either because I literally felt like my insides were coming out.
Sighs. What's there more that I can do when I'm not letting my mind run wild? What else can I say to make things right again?
Sunday, April 01, 2007
♥ 22:23
I Hate Myself For Loving You
(Joan Jett/Desmond Child)
Midnight gettin' uptight Where are you
You said you'd meet me now it's quarter to two
I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you
Hey Jack It's a fact they're talkin' in town
I turn my back and you're messin' around
I'm not really jealous don't like lookin' like a clown
I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin, say forget it just for spite
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you, that's why
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you
