Ever felt like a fool in love? What do I mean by that. Well, when we meet someone new, we either commit ourselves totally into the relationship or take things so easy that it seems like we are not interested in the relationship at all. It mostly happens that we become the fool in the first situation because ultimately, the other party may not love us as much as we love them and end up getting hurt because they think that we are not meant to be together. So weird right?

It's hard to believe in love in a loveless world. When people take love for granted, when people don't treasure what they have - they hurt people in turn. I learnt this while watching Lakehouse today. A timeless story about love. Though it gives people hope in love whilst watching the movie, you wonder, when will this ever happen to me?

Watching the movie with a lovey dovey crowd wasn't a very good feeling. Maybe it was because I wasn't watching it with the person I wanted to watch with the most. It was the same feeling when I watched the fireworks from my bedroom window last night. A tinge of sadness filled my heart because you weren't here with me.

I am looking for the book Persuasion by Jane Austin to read. I want/ I NEED to believe in love just like how the characters in the movie believed in. Should anyone wants to watch the movie, please call me along. Help me in believing that love does exist.

Sometimes we don't treasure what we have until it is too late. This can be learnt from real life to even TV programmes. We are often given so many things to treasure but we are too clouded to even notice these things before our very eyes.

I think it's the same for our lives too. Many people walk in and out, many blessings come and go, but we don't take the time to even notice them. We are so deluded by the things that we have to do - assignments, studying for exams, relational problems, that we fail to open our eyes, heart and ears to feel and sense. We let go of too many things or people that by the time we realise it, we feel all guilty and remorseful. This in turn would maybe cause us to have an answer to the question, will we die without regrets? My answer would probably be that I will die with regrets.

You would ask me why I said that I will die with regrets. There are many dreams for me to continue chasing, opportunities that I have let slip, people that I let them walk out of my life. There are things that are atill kept in my heart that I have yet to say and things that I really want to do. Yet, even if I wanted to live my life everyday as though it was the last, cowardness comes down on me when I want to say my true feelings, do things that I would really like to do.

Enough said. I always dreamt of my life as a bed of roses with the occasional hiccups. I dreamt of my home that was going to be at the seaside. I dreamt of having my perfect wedding, one where is just full of love and nothing else. I dreamt that I would have the chance for a slow dance with the one i really love. Would these dreams ever come true I don't know. I only know that I should start learning to treasure who or what is before my very eyes. I hope u do the same too. As the saying goes, Carpe Diem - Seize the day.

If you haven't done so, go tell those that you love that you love them, thank those who have been with you every step of the way, tell them that you will hold their hand and never let them go. Just as you would like to know if someone loves you, someone else is craving for that too.

I PASSED MY BTT!!!! All I have to do now is to wait till 15 September for my advance theory test because it determines if I can take my practical!!! SO NERVE WRECKING.

Ah but now driving is at the back of my mind. All my mind is bogged down by is the websites that I am helping to create for Madeline as part of her project. OH MAN! I really didn't know that building the websites would be so tough because I have no idea how this works. SO IRRITATING. I hate looking at the same thing over and over again just to think how am I going to get about doing the websites. ARGHS. I can't believe that I have to do it next sem too!!! I am so gonna die.

I am so tired. Life is so unpredictable. I hate to see people cuddling up with each other on the train. GO FIND A ROOM TO DO IT!

I tried blogging yesterday to no avail. I never expected to wake up to the news that well was just shocking. Even though I wasn't close to my cousin, I can imagine the pain my aunt and uncle are going through at this point in time. The questions that are reeling in their mind.

School is just well, how to say it, stressful? That wouldn't be the word. I don't know how to say it but I can only hope that the sense of urgency will ring in me to do all my assignments and study for the upcoming exams. Time is passing real quickly and well, I am sure it doesn't wait for me. Sighs.

Met up with Madeline today to help her with her project - creating websites. Walked around for a bit before heading home and well to get her birthday present too. WE MET A HOT GUY WHO IS WORKING IN NUM. His name is Khai and my gawd! He left us drooling. If only we got his number...*dreaming* NUM found themselves a loyal customer as long as Khai is working there. Hahahahahahaha.

SAME is meeting up next week to celebrate birthdays. YAYS! I need money desperately to keep up with this lifestyle. OH YES! Tomorrow is my BTT. Wish me luck.

Okae. So yes I went out with Shirin today and sad to say, I am about to scream already. I think I told you that I will scream soon and I think the time has come. I hope that you have found your closure by finding out who you want to find out already. You cannot turn back time anymore. Be thankful that you had good times together. Bid him well and let him go. You asked for closure and I think this is it. It's been dragging on long enough and it's time. The day is coming. Shirin, you cannot go on like this. If he has moved on, give him your blessings. I know it is difficult but you have to do it. It's either you confront the problem or deal with the problem for the rest of your life and let it hinder your future relationships or even friendships. Not everyone will have the patience to deal with this but I am still here if you need me. I won't walk away. If you don't want to talk to me then I don't know what to say but yes, I am here.

Went for pampering session after pampering session. First my nails, then my face. Tried to get things off my mind. Retail therapy helps at times.

I thought that I have stayed long enough away from my blog since wednesday. I don't know how to put in words how I exactly feel but it's been a bad week. It still is.

Kept myself busy so that I can forget all feelings and just focus on what needs to be done. I can't help but question God and his existence. I realised that I was leading worship this Sunday and it's so hard to prepare for it because I have no idea in which direction I can go.

No words can also describe how bad things have been since last week. Everything seems to be either failing for me or well just not going my way. Aiya I dunno la. This is terrible. How I wish things were back to the way it used to be when I didn't have so many things to worry about. Like when I was a baby. I don't care for freedom I just want my life back.

I've been feeling rather fucked up for the past two days. Don't ask me why but seriously, life is nothing but torture to me at this point in ime.

All I really want to do is to immerse myself in work, work and more work so that I won't concentrate on the things that make my life miserable. I hate it when people are hot for one minute and cold the other. I hate it when I get mixed signals.

I feel like my life has gone haywire. Decisions made, cannot be changed. What's done has been done. My heart is burnt by fire, turning it into ashes. My soul has been lost.

(To Someone) I don't know what is wrong but your blog entry sounds pretty dejected. If it's because of school, don't worry, just work harder. I am here to help you with it. If it's because of some girl, I hope she didn't hurt you as bad as the last one. I don't know why, but all I want to do for you is to be here. It doesn't matter that you don't want to talk to me or tell me anything. Just know that I'm concerned about you.

I just got back from the Coldplay concert!! I've officially become a Coldplay groupie!!! Chris Martin is so hot that I want to bring him home but nah, I can't snatch him away from Apple and Moses, his two lovable children.

I hate staying up to watch soccer matches that end up in penalty shoot outs. You want to know why? Because those teams that I support, lose because of this penalty shootout. So irritating. First it happened to England, then now, it happened to France. I am so disappointed. All you Italy fans, good on you.

Practically stoned in school today because of the lack of sleep. So I suppose you can make out how stoned I am now. I don't think I will do well for BMR because I know nothing about it. I don't know how to get about doing my stuff. This is so discouraging. During Audio Pro I was really frantic in the studio and only got a B for this assignment =( Quite upset about it.

I feel very torn up inside. Don't want to hurt anymore.

1 more day to the Coldplay concert. Sitting in my aunt's living room now blogging. Well if you ask me about my day, it has been nothing but a roller coaster ride. I am still upset about yesterday's rehearsal/filming and still have thoughts about giving up.

Don't you hate it when technology seems to control your life and seem to be the only channel of communication between you and another person? Well, I hate it. Moreover, it sux that I feel that I have been made used of because when I am not needed, you don't talk to me. One word for you, ASS.

In church today we talked about porn. Well I realised that it's not just about seeing naked people online or in movies or in magazines. Reading romance novels that talk about sex is considered porn too! OH MAN. That means I have to throw away my books. AHHHHH! And well, talking dirty is considered porn too! Restrictions restrictions restrictions. Things you didn't know, you know today.

I screwed up big time during rehearsal today and I'm feeling super sore about it. No matter how hard I practice, it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I am not cut out for dancing in this musicale. I feel like my heart has been torn into a million pieces. Too much to bear for a girl like me. Everything, dance, school, friends. Simply too much to handle. I just want my life back.

I've come to realise what is one thing that I really want to do for the past two years. I've always wanted to watch our annual fireworks display at the esplanade with someone special. The past two years have been exceptionally hard whenever I hear that there is a fireworks display because well, I haven't been able to find the special someone to watch it with.

People who know me will always tell me that there are more important things in life than finding that someone special to spend special days with. I know that and I have been devoting most of my time in my studies and church stuff, not wasting time in my life. However, there is this void that seems to be perpetually there. I can't seem to fill it even with the hustle and bustle of life. Sometimes, even when having a lot of friends around me, doesn't fill it up either.

Maybe it's escapism where I try to run away from problems that seem to be always there. In times when things are so tough especially at home, I figure that I seek solace in someone that can lend me that emotional support. Maybe that was why he left my life in the first place. Maybe I'm not the person that anyone wants to be with. That's why it's so hard to find that special someone. Maybe it's in God's plan that I am to remain single all my life.

Somehow when the people around me seem to be happy and share their joy with me, I want to be truly happy for them. But it's so hard because I can't feel for them.

(To Someone) Somehow it seems like you finally play an important role in my life. I wouldn't want to tell it in your face because I am afraid that things will change between the both of us. Yes, I am jealous but yet I also know that you cannot do anything about it. As long as you're happy with what you are doing, I guess I will not say anything more. =)


(To my friends) I'm fine. Maybe it's the time of the month that I have become either very touchy or very moody. Just believe me when I say that I'm fine. I suppose if there's really something up, I will share with you guys. =)

School was okay today. Brought some brownies to school and well I suppose those who ate it were quite happy. We had a rather good time during multicamera productions today. It was one where we all laughed so very hard in the control room that we were practically tearing from the laughing. Thinking of what happened still makes me laugh.

Boy. There's someone eating durian at almost 1am in the morning now. It's making me hungry. But bugger. The stupid stomach pain is back. The medicine is so not working. So irritating. Another long day tomorrow. Terrible.

The wonders of technology. One minute I had internet connection last night and the next, I couldn't even use log onto the net to do my personality test. It's so irritating!!! I thought it was my laptop that was giving me problems but when I tried using my desktop, it was the same problem! ARGHS. I gave up and went to bed.

Woke up this morning and decided that I should bake. So here I am waiting for the brownies to be done so that I can bring it to school later. =) All you lucky people who get to eat the brownies. Hahahahahaha.

Finally I don't have that nagging pain in the stomach! SUCH A WONDERFUL FEELING. Though it's too early to tell but I hope the pain is gone. Shall update more later when I get back from school.

Okae. I finally dragged myself to see the doctor today. The doctor as usual said that it was due to gastrics that I have been feeling the terrible pain. Well it can be due to my diet and therefore, no chilli for now and it may be caused by stress too. But yes, I finally went to see the doctor and will be taking my medicine regularly.

Sometimes when things happen and feelings of jealousy come about, I can't help but wonder why am I feeling this way. It's a terrible feeling and I hate it.

School is a bummer and seriously, I am beginning not to like it. Being in such close proximity to some people and not being truthful to myself and them is killing me on top of the pressures from school. If only life is back to being so simple like back when I was in primary school where all I was concerned about was school and nothing but school. No such things as boys to worry about.

You know I spend time planning what I want in life. At what age do I want to get married or how old do I want to start establishing my family and of course what my future will be like in the media industry. However, I think my planning is nothing but just dreams that are being built in the air. It's so impossible to see my future because it seems like things are not going according to what I had mapped out. Maybe I think too much. Maybe it's too early to tell if I will get married by the age that I had planned. I don't know but maybe planning doesn't help one lead their lives.

Mixed emotions within me. Feelings that are hard to describe. Uncertainty, lost and unloved. I have no idea what's happening within me but I feel like I am going to be an emotional wreck. Oh God please help me.

I wanted to give up on the poly forum even though I have been through so much already. So much time and effort and I feel like I have not enough to do things that I want. Not enough rest coupled with stress is terrible. I have been feeling sick for so long already that I am not even sure what is happening to my own body. But I am clinging on to the poly forum. A few more weeks to go before it's all over.

For those who have been trying to get me online for the past few days, sorry that you haven't been able to do so because I have been sleeping at the weirdest hours to get my soccer fix. Man, they need to bring the world cup to asian timezone again so that the hours in which the matches are played are godly. Don't have to sleep at like 10 to wake at 2.30 to go back to sleep after the match again. It's crazy especially if you have long days in school.

I AM MOURNING FOR THE LOST OF ENGLAND. I was so disappointed when they lost last night because of the penalty shoot-out. *CRIES*