It's the time of the year again when all of us are taking examinations. The hardest part about this time is that when you feel like you need friends the most, they are all busy studying. When it's time for your birthday, you feel bad just asking them to go out with you to celebrate. When you feel like you're going bonkers from the stresses of school, you feel horrible asking them out or even talking to them online or on the phone. It's also the most fragile time when you feel that you're all alone.

In times like this, I always regret my decision coming to TP, being so far from the people closest to me. The difference in our academic year, doesn't really help because ultimately I find it so difficult just to meet up with them. The fact that we are all doing different things doesn't help as well because when you need the support system, you sometimes feel so lost. I don't know. Maybe it's this low point that I'm feeling this way.

Maybe it's my fault that I chose to go different ways from my friends, choosing to pull them away from myself. Maybe the choices I made weren't the best after all. I don't know but I just miss all my friends now. I wish we weren't so far away from each other nor are we so busy.

Doubt, fear and uncertainty fills my heart. I'm not sure how long more I can hold out living the way I am, juggling so many things at one time, asking myself questions that I have difficulty giving myself the answers.

When I stepped into 1 January 2007, I looked forward to year that was much better than the last. I looked forward to a year where I could throw everything behind me and start on a clean slate. A year where I would be able to learn more than I have had in the past few years. Maybe it's been God's way of training me.

I don't know anymore. It's only the beginning of the year and I already feel worn out. I don't know how long more of this I can handle.

If there's one thing I can pray for now, it would be that people understand me. People to stop pushing me, people to stop putting high hopes on me. I don't want to be the driving force of my project groups anymore. I don't want to have to sacrifice my weekends to deal with things that can be done during the week but because of complancy, we have to do it during the time which is meant for MYSELF.

No one will be able to understand why I am suffering from my third meltdown in this semster. Why doesn't anyone take me seriously when I tell them that I am suffering? Why do all of you call me emo? Are you guys looking from my point of view? I don't know. I only pray that the people around me start to be more sensitive and more importantly understand me.

I may be sounding selfish but I really need time for myself. It's been long enough that I haven't had to the opportunity to really spend the day chilling out or reading or even writing. Just having to plan to go on one simple shopping trip, it's been postponed for so many times. To endure a lousy week after another lousy week just makes me long for my life back once more.

I don't like it that my life is just revolving around school, church, school and church. What happened to the other pleasures in life? It's no laughing matter to hear that I've cried on the public transport on my way around. Please stop saying I am being emo because I don't want to kill myself okay?! I'm just sick and tired of having to lead such a life. I'm sick and tired of being misunderstood at home. Feeling like no one cares and no one understands even the people closests to me.

Maybe I should thank you for provoking me even more. Maybe I should thank you for screaming at me when I am already filling so down and out. Maybe I should thank you for breaking my heart over and over again. When will you ever understand? Will my life ever stop revolving just around school only? Will I ever not be lonely? WILL I EVER BE UNDERSTOOD?

God, make everything work. I cannot take it anymore. I hate rough days, weeks that seem to last for eternity.

Thank you all who remembered my birthday! This was probably one of the more memorable birthdays not because it was the celebrations but the events that had happened. I must say that I never expected myself to have to go through such a long long day in school. Plus with the addition of the test, which I figure I'm bound to fail, I just feel horrible.

Anyway, went for dinner with *cia, jacob and the unexpected surprise, Lance. Never knew that cia would get my church friends to come along too. We went to Swensen's for dinner and omg felt so embarrassed when the staff gathered to sing me a birthday song. *faints* But in any case, I had a good time at dinner =).

School is insane. Deadlines deadlines and more deadlines. The pressure of school can drive one crazy and when we are all insane, we choose not to have life. I've lost my mind because of the lack of sleep. I'm too stressed to sleep. I can't help but dream of school even!

Give me my life back. Let me enjoy the first days of being 19.

Emotions are running high, comments are cutting deep, words have become two-edged swords that pierce your soul. Forgiveness has not become a norm, stubborness has. The war of words is now on, only allowing us to pray that hearts are cushioned for the blows to come. Actions and thoughts are intepreted wrongly. Wisdom is prayed for and faith is to cling on to the promise that it will be granted.

I have grown up. I'm no longer the girl that I used to be. You can hurt me but don't expect to see me fall. Emotions may run high when it comes to relationships but I have not decided to stop and seek God first. You may think that I'm over religious. The fact is that I don't look for flings even though it may be fun. I don't want to do that. All I want is a relationship that will end with marriage and therefore, it's important to make sure that God has sent me THE ONE and not just rely on myself.

Life has enough problems of its own and all I need now is to pray for wisdom and knowledge. A teachable spirit and most importantly strength.

I don't know the words to say to you now. I can only tell you to pray about it. I know you don't expect a response when u tell me those three special words but I really don't know how to respond to you when you tell me that without giving you the false hope that we will eventually be together when I am still so unlcear about everything. Maybe now you wouldn't want to talk to me but really building a friendship before going into a relationship is so much more important to me.

I'm sitting in the lecture theatre, putting myself through another long day in school starting with Cross-cultural communication. I feel like my brain has flown out of the window because of the numerous sleepless nights that I have been subjected to since the beginning of this semster.

Just as this is a new year, I am happy that I've started with a clean slate, probably having the emotional capacity to deal with problems that come my way. Yet, on the other hand, I would just wish that my life would be peaceful where I don't get sleepless nights because I'm so stressed up. That each time I close my very eyes, all my problems from school and things that I would have to complete.

I want my normal life back again. I want to be able to lead the carefree life back again that I will be able to sleep well. I really need sleep, desperately.

I'm searching for the right words to say to you. I don't want to hurt you in any point in time because I know how vulnerable you are. More time and prayer is needed before I can give you an answer. Be patient and wait upon the Lord too.

It's been two long weeks of school, staying up late every night to complete assignments and going for project meetings in school. It really drives one crazy and I totally agree with Kaman, Huimin and gang that now is the time when we can die but cannot fall sick. Unfortunately, I chose to fall sick instead of dying immediately. I feel so horrible.

School aside, I am glad that the new YZ core team is working so well together. In fact, last night we met up to talk about the surprise we are going to throw on Sunday plus a lot of other nitty gritty stuff. It's a joy to see that we are gel-ing so well because it is only then that we can see YZ progress to greater heights. I pray that we'll continue to be this close as we progress in the year and years to come.

Dear God, I pray that You'll sustain me as the weeks wear on. It's becoming tough to carry on living a life that almost has no night nor day as we all strive to complete our work. Give me the wisdom to handle situations as I pray to look to you for answers. Grant me sensitivity and most importantly, love as I handle situations. Amen.

I feel horrible. Horrible because insensitive me totally forgot to send a SMS to a friend just before he left for India today. How forgetful can I be? I really ought to do something about this. I just hope that he receives the SMS that I sent when I finally remembered.

It's the new year and the start to the new year is seriously not FANTASTIC in terms of school. I was like short of half a mark to get an A for my film theory journals. LIKE WHY CAN"T U JUST GIVE IT TO ME?!!!! ARGHS. Nvm, then came CCC in which there was some bad news about my tutorial group not doing well and have people who fail. I am worried that I'm one of those failures. It's that kinda thing where you have the gut feeling you just won't do well. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

Went out today to watch a movie with my kindergarden friend, yes you read it correctly, my kindergarden friend, Kwang Han. We had a ball of a time laughing in the cinema not because of the movie but because of the guy that was sitting in front of us. He snorts when he laughs, laughs at the wrong points in the movie and worse still farted like really LOUDLY half way through the movie. I think the ladies who were sitting next to him were freaked out. It got annoying at a point in time but oh wells, nonethless, I enjoyed the company and movie.