OMG. Now that I'm back in school and getting back into the swing of things, I somehow wish that time will slow down. There's so many deadlines to meet and school just barely began. RAHHHH! God, slow down the hands of times, give me the creativity I am lacking so that I can do my assignments.

Over the past few days, I have been asking some questions that God can only answer with regards to the people He brings into my life. People may say, Eudora you're still young, why think about all these now? But I figure, if I don't ever think about it, I never will. You're never too young to ask any question.

In any case, all I want now is TIME and CREATIVITY. God please help me.

I haven't blogged in ages because I don't know what to blog about. School is starting tomorrow and I can't wait to get back into the swing of action, meeting deadlines etc.

The emotional rollercoaster of a soccer match can take a serious toil on anyone. I can attest to that because I watched the Liverpool Vs Man U game (pretty sure the Man U fans are cheering now) and I tell you, I have never swung from super excited to super sian within 20 minutes. In any case, I am in mourning for the loss of my favourite team though it's due to their CARELESSNESS.

I'm drained from the events of today. I just pray that tomorrow will be a fruitful day in school.

I pray that you have thought about the future as much as I have - your aspirations, dreams, hopes, fears etc. I pray that you too have God as your leader, your friend and your father that He is the Lord of your life. I pray that you are one that I can be proud of to bring home to let my parents and you have a great chat.

I pray that my dreams for the future can be fulfilled with you. I don't ask you for much, just to be happy with you in whatever situation we may be in. It's like replaying all the dreams that I have had for recently - to be happy with you.

Love
Eudora


This is the letter that would be given to the one whom I wish God has given to me. The dream I had this morning was one that I wish I could live out. I wish for one that holds my hand and tell me that he will never let me go. Maybe I'm all emo this afternoon. But there's this tinkling in my heart that I don't know hwat it means. Oh Lord, tell me this is a good feeling.

As promised, I will update my blog as often as I can. See, I don't want to blog about my routines or what I have been doing that much because seriously, are you guys even interested in what I do? This blog is for me to talk about issues that weigh in my heart or even things that I feel need to be addressed in Singapore or with the people around me.

I thought about this long and hard about families and the ideals that we as Singaporeans have about family life in here. We do realise that our lives are based on this thing called MONEY. Money rules the world as they say, where if you have no money, you don't have the opportunities that the rich have etc. Many times, we hear of people complain about not having enough money or spending too much money. But should families be built on this complicated thing called MONEY? I don't think so. See my friend, I totally agree with you that a family even without a lot of money can feel the love when everyone just lives simply and at the end of the day, know that family is the top priority and not material things.

Families are often not what they seem to. We all like to paint rosy pictures about the families that we can from, so that people would not look down on us if our families are dsyfunctional or what we know it to be now, the Rojak families where two divorcees come together bringing their children from their previous marriages along to start a new family. Even the happiest of families do have their own set of problems too. I'm not saying that my family is dsyfunctional, but we are certainly not perfect. People may disagree with me blogging about family issues here because we should never hang our dirty linen for the world to see. But I'm not blogging about how terrible or how good my family can be. I just want people to know that we are all the same, no matter how perfect we all may show others that we are - coming from the perfect home, achieving the society's goals, we all have our set of problems.

One thing that we must always remember though is that families are here to stay unless you have been disowned. It will always be our safehaven. When the going gets tough, they are the ones who will stick with you through thick and thin. But we never realise it until a long time later. I read from my friend's blog that he missed his late grandmother who just passed away recently and I did realise that many of us actually take our families for granted. As children we always stretch out our hands to ask for money and always feel that we never have enough, but have we actually appreciated the fact that our parents five us their hard earned money to spend? We always think that we have been deprieved - I have to admit to that, but are we really that deprived? We have a roof over our heads, we have mobile phones, we have parents that love us and obviously that is the most important.

So you see, let's not be judgemental. Even I am learning to accept everybody no matter what their backgrounds are. Even I am learning no to judge my parents for the times that they have made me upset because ultimately, we as children should always respect them and of course never let material things come in the way of our relationship with them. =)

My goal in this period of time is to get a full scholarship to pursue journalism in either a local univeristy or one overseas. Of course, it will be great to head out of Singapore to study because I feel stifled here. I feel like I will never realise my fullest potential with the competition I am faced with. I feel like all the opportunities will go to others but not me.

My goal in 6 years time is actually to get hitched to someone who loves me. No, he does not have to be very handsome. It's who he really is that matters to me. It's gotta be someone who puts God above me, who loves me for me, who loves my parents, loves kids. He doesn't have to be rich but must earn enough to save for the future. He will be one that is family oriented who will be responsible. During this time, I am also making a name for myself in the journalism industry. Writing for a top fahion magazine - doing what I love most to do.

In 10 years I would probably have 2 children, maybe 3. I want 4 kids though. Then we will be living in a house where it's comfortable to have sufficient place for them to have their own space but still learn how to share. The house that we live in, would be one that is filled with love and God being the head of the household. As for the names of the children, I don't know yet but it will be something that we will agree upon. I will still be a writer and maybe venture into a different scope in the magazine world. Maybe I will even publish books too.

See, these are the dreams that I have for me. As to whether I can realise thse dreams will be another issue. Sometimes, what I want is the direct opposite of what happens. But one thing still remains, that I will still serve the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. In order to realise my dream, I can only pray that God will send me the answer to my prayers about who He wants me to be with and tell my heart to stop pining for what may not be already mine.

I need God to answer my prayers, to tell me to continue to have faith that I will rejoice in times when things happen the opposite of what I want them to be. To have the faith to obey God and not rebel against Him. I pray that God answers the prayers uttered silently, giving me direction to treat them equal and just as friends.

I wish that I was a young girl all over again. Then I wouldn't know what is this thing called love and the pain that it brings. Suffering it too many times hasn't caused me to be numb, it has only go me to feel worse. Can someone tell me the real meaning of love?

Is it like what people say, that people who love each other will bind their hearts, that their love will melt all obstacles that come along their way, will give others the hope of true and eternal love? I need to know - when will it be the time when I give others the hope of true and eternal love.

One can never have enough of Dr Derek Shepherd! Even when one is sick, you wish that you are his patient, receiving treatment from him. His dreamy eyes, his nice wavy hair, his unshven look. Gawd, he is just a dream come true. So here I am sick and down with i dunno wad (feel like puking all the time) dreaming of Dr McDreamy. LOL..

See while I was sleeping I had this really weird dream about this conversation a girlfriend had with her boyfriend.

GF: Do you love me?
BF: Why you ask this kind of question? Of course I love you la!
GF: Then why you never say 'I love you' to me before?
BF: This kind of thing no need to say one lor. You know I know can already. Need to say out meh?
GF: Of course must say la! If not how I know that you love me? Not like I asking you to shout to the world that you love me wad!

That ends the conversation because both parties are now upset. See, I have the weirdest dreams and definitely they are not about me. Ask me how I know? Well they dun even look like me or anyone I know! Dreams are weird.

I can be a writer and write all the love stories that come to mind and hope that it sells. I can be a journalist and write articles that I love to write (esp fashion). But what matters most, would be that I write because I LOVE TO WRITE. I write because I dream of writing, live on writing and of course pray that people love my writing. I can write all about my fantasies and feel that sense of satisfaction because I have penned down my sporadic thoughts that people love to read about.

Maybe I can be a scriptwriter then I can pen my thoughts down and better still, see it being acted out as though it is reality! No plots that cause us to ponder who killed whom but simple plots that reflect the REALITY of life.

So what do I really want to be? All of the above! Not too much to ask eh?!

My dream wedding: To be held at a nice place surrounded by trees whose leaves are orange. With the rustle of the wind, the leaves come cascading down as I walk down the aisle with my dad on my right and looking toward that special someone who's down in the front. On the sides are the people closests to our hearts, with faces that wish us all the best in the new life together. I would be wearing a nice satin, tube wedding gown with beads attached to them and trailing behind me would be this long train that was painstakingly embroided by the designer. On my hand would be a bouquet of pink roses, my favourite flowers and in my hair, would be white roses.

The ceremony will be short and sweet, inviting Jesus to be the one in control of the marriage. We would then adjorn to the reception area which is decorated with beautiful tulips from Holland. The tables are spread throughout the area, leaving a reasonable amount of space for a dance floor where we can dance till our heart content. The guests would be seated at tables that have been specially chosen for them with their names written on little cards on the table. The food will be fabulous and each will have a portion. The room will be filled with lots of love and of course, a free flow of champagne would be served. =)

My dream honeymoon: To go to places where it doesn't remind me of home, slow, quiet where we just enjoy each other's company. Places like Austria and France would be great. Then there will come a time when we let our inner child out and have a few days of fun at Disneyland Paris. Shopping will be a must so we will have a stop over at Milan and of course, be armed with HIS credit cards. LOL. To fly first class on ONE flight would be great too. HAHAHA.

So you see, I've thought about my future in MY DREAMS. Sure, you may say that I'm mad but hey, I'm pretty sure a lot of girls out there do think of their dream wedding but they just don't blog about it. See, it's probably the FANTASY wedding I can hope for but most importantly to me, it's just got to be celebrating the union between two people.=) No, I am not emo this morning. I just need an healthy outlet to share my random thoughts. I can go on and on about how ugly Singaporeans can be especially when using the public transport but why should I? No one would care. No one would listen. So why waste my time?

Right. So here are my sporadic thoughts. BTW. Thanks Brother Bear for the nice evening ytd! =)

Sometimes you figure that you know how you are feeling exactly and then WHAM! someone comes up to you and questions you to make sure that you know how you are feeling and what you want/ Then there are times when you wallow in self-pity about not being able to get a date (either with a guy or a girl) and you realise that they are not everything when you realise that if you want to go out, there are still those reliable girlfriends.

Then there are times when you just want to run as far as possible to be alone because you are just so confused or because you feel so cheated. Yet, something stops you in your tracks. But do you know what stops you? Not sure right? I totally know how that feels. I don't know what stops me in my tracks when I feel like running away. I don't know how I feel exactly when it comes to situations when I think I know how I feel.

Seriously speaking, through the past 2 years, I have been searching for the real me. Yes, I know that I have an identity with Christ but you know, sometimes that is not enough to get through life. And in the course of me trying to find myself, I have made very, no rather exteremely stupid decisions that I figure, I would have to carry the emotional baggage with me until the day I find myself be able to forgive me. No it's not that I haven't forgiven the other person invovled, I have, because it's not entirely his fault that thing happened.

Then I figure, what is it that God wants from me? What if my plans are not His plans? What if what I want is not what I want? Over the course of the last two days, I have been talking to this friend of mine who in my humble opinion been through a lot, knowing how exactly I am feeling now. It's good that I talk to him, for sometimes I fear bearing my entire soul to someone close to me will impose judgement upon me. I fear that people close to me will soon come down so hard on me that, I lose all of them.

What have I been doing for the last 12 hours? Watching grey's anatomy and sleeping. I fell asleep in front my laptop last night when I was waiting to wake my sister up at 3.30 to get her to study. I"M STILL TIRED. I hope she appreciates this because I was really exhuasted last night after dance. Actually I hope my parents appreciate it. I don't know la. I don't want them to think that all I do is nag as my sister or hate her. I don't, just that we don't see eye to eye and to tell you the truth, things might be better if I have my private space = my own room. I feel that my privacy has been invaded all the time.

Sighs I don't know la. Finding myself is exhausting enough.

What do women really want? There's probably no definite answer to that question but one thing for certain, we would love to be in control of our lives, making the decisions for ourselves and most importantly, be independent and not have to depend on the opposite sex for financial support. But what is it that we really really want? What is it that I want? To love and be loved in return? To be that successful journalist I hope to be? I seriously don't know. Then the next question, what is that men really want? I don't know either.

Ever felt like you've been forced to do something against your will but yet cannot break away from that thing you're doing? I feel like that now. Dragging my feet every morning to get ready for work, out of the door, into my dad's car, to the train station. It's very tiring emotionally to do it when my heart is not in it. I long to escape from thsi vicious routine that happens every morning. It's been torturing to get into the office and do the things that I need to do becauase for one, I really hate to do calling. HELP ME. I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THAT OFFICE ASAP BEFORE I MURDER SOMEONE.

One thing though, I think all the drama that is happening in the office would make a really good book to read if one of us decides to pen it down. Yet, how uncommon can the things that we face in the office be? There are such irritating, pain in the *** people out there in the world that we can write tons of stories about them and in the end be irritating ourselves. Seriously, I wouldn't mind penning down what happens in the office but you know, the more I think about the day's events, the more my blood will boil because SHE simply doesn't know how to behave! OH wells.

I'm tired. Another new day of challenges tomorrow.

First things first, HAPPY CHILDREN"S DAY! Well we are still children in the eyes of our parents so I guess we are entitled to celebrate this day. Hahaha. But on hindsight, it's back to work again tomorrow. *wails* Okay, it's a good thing that she's on leave but it's a terrible thing if she keeps calling back or decides to 'drop by' the office. Either way, I pray that she doesn't disturb the peace and quiet in the office.

Led worship today. It was good I suppose. I just pray that people have been ministered. Pastor Seng Chuan spoke to us today about making decisions and helping us see the ten commandments in a different light. In any case, I don't know why but I felt like I was going to cry in my dad's car while we were on our way home. Like this wave of emotion came down upon me and I was trying so very hard to stop the tears from flowing.

Watched Seventh Heaven. You know that series about this christian family? In any case the episode that we watched today set me thinking. You know in our lives, three very special words exists in our vocabulary that will cause a stir in a person's live, of course I meant it in a good way. I figure that most of you would know the three words already. Yet, how many of us really know the weightage of these words. Like one of the characters said, it's like a commitment you make to the other person when you say 'I love you'. Something like getting married if you aren't already.

I remember those days when I used to utter those three words to him. I figure that I meant what I said because well, part of me wished that we could have a long-lasting relationship. Yet, I don't know if he meant what he said or thought that it was necessary to say it in order to keep me by his side. In any case, it's been a long while since I've said those three words to anybody, my family, friends but of course no special someone. I think saying those words in a family helps reassures our position and know that we have people to count on. For me, it's been a long while since I said 'I love you' to God too. We gotta learn to say it I guess.

Truth be told, I think these are the three words we take most for granted. Because we never really understand the meaning of love. Nope it's not that I'm being emo here but I figure we all need to examine what is love before we say it to another person.

My heart is lonely not because I don't have that special you but because I feel like I've lost all connection with the people closest to my heart. We all seem so busy in our little worlds that we lost all contact. Just know that this friendship we have is so close to my heart that I don't know what I will do without it. The same goes to those whom are so caught up in their studies that I can't seem to contact or see you - you are sorely missed.