Life ain't fair rite
Friday, September 30, 2005
♥ 21:09
Life ain't fair! Why do people just get the better of the world when some people have to slog so hard just to attain the things that they can get? Why does it seem that younger siblings have all the advantage in the world when we older siblings have to suffer?
Life isn't fair rite?I really cannot understand my sister and my parents. Why is it when my sister says that she wants something, my dad is willing to buy it for her? Take the mp3 player for example. I have been eyeing on one since don't know how long ago but just because I know the consequences of telling them that I want one, I never told them my intentions. But it was a different things altogether when I mentioned that my sister wanted one and my dad readily agreed to get her one on the condition that she passes all her subjects during this exam. What is this world coming to? Why can she get it so easily when I have to slog my guts out just to buy a mp3 player for myself and even to buy a handphone to replace the spoilt one I have now?
Sometimes I can't help it but just wonder why do my parents seem to favour my sister more than they favour me? I know that it's very unhealthy to live a life keeping everything within me and not sharing my thoughts with them. But I know that if I share what I am thinking right now, not only will my sister not get what she wants, the relationship between all of us. Am i being too nice or am I just saving my own skin?
Just when I thought that things can't get any more worse, I don't think I will be getting my pay anytime soon especially now that I have even gotten my pay slip yet. Am I working for free? I don't know, I just want my pay soon.
Untitled
Thursday, September 29, 2005
♥ 09:07
Okay so there is something wrong with the blogging thingy today but I can't help it but still blog. It's so ironic that blogs were initially created for people to write what they wish, or rather their thoughts about certain issues, but obviously time has no changed because it has gained popularity and people use it for the wrong reasons. However, is it the right thing for the adults to search for our blogs to see if we have defamed them online? Yes, it is wrong to defame a person in the first place but sometimes we youths need an outlet to relese how we feel about certain issues and some just choose to do it on their blogs. It's this thing about freedom of speech. People can say what they like and we can't stop them. The more we try to enforce certain laws or rules on young people, they would rebel even more.
It's the young people thing where we tend to do the opposite of what is expected of us out of deficiance. Blogs have too become a best friend for many of us where we pen our deepest thoughts and feelings here. It may be for the whole world to read and set themselves in our positition to understand what we have been thinking about, but still some times we feel better after blogging. It has become a psychological thing due to the advancement of technology. Seriously are we making a mountain out of a mole hill? Yes, I understand that it is because of our social make up that laws such as clamming down on people who publish racist remarks are relevant, but punishing a boy who merely stated his thoughts, is that right? We ourslves must establish what we think is right before we can make a stand on this.
I probably think I didn't sleep much last night because I was dreaming about 52623 after my conversation with Shirin. I couldn't help but just let my thoughts run wild because I was too tired to play this mental game. How long is this going to last for? How much longer can I handle this? I seriously don't know but I am going to leave this in the hands of God. Only He knows how much longer I have to learn from this experience.
Bleahs
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
♥ 09:21
It's almost a month since I have been let off for my holidays. If you ask me what I have done, I would have said that I have almost done nothing. Okay, maybe not nothing, I have done some of the admin work for the camp and settled some stuff for the committe, but I really have done nothing for myself.
Seriously, I feel that I need some time for myself. It's tough coping between work, church stuff and now even giving tutiton to this isolent boy. I can't keep running from place to place just to satisfy everybody and even running around just to enjoy myself. Given the time restrictions, I feel like I am racing against time all the time. It's not even term time where I have to race against the 24 hours given to me to complete my assignments. Sigh!
Sometimes I feel that I am forced to the things that I hate to do. I know I am willing and I love to teach but it comes to a point when I feel that I am forced to do so especially when the student I am teaching is so unwilling to learn. I am okay that I am not being paid for teaching him but at least I would feel rewarded if the boy is willing to learn and possess a teachable attitude towards the stuff that I am doing with him. Why can't he realise that time is moving against him and that his exams, his MAJOR exams are approachin? Why must he make everyone so worried for him when it is his parent's job? Why give undue stress to someone who should be enjoy the prime of her life? It's not fair to Godma, nor is it fair for me to carry such a burden.
It's no point complaining here because the isolent boy would never read what I have to say here. I just pray that God will give me the patiences and the willingness to go down to teach that boy. Also that God will give me the perservering spirit to continue to do what I have to do.
People's fetish
Friday, September 16, 2005
♥ 23:02
A topic really close to my heart because I take the public transport almost every other day. I notice that people have a fetish with the bus or MRT doors. They tend to stand near the door like they are so afraid that they would not be able to alight. In the course of doing so, they block the way and people can't get up the bus! It's so friggin irritating because people can't board the bus especially when they are in a rush for time! Would people be more considerate????!!!!
Working ain't fun at all. My feet hurt after work everyday and not only that, the skin under my toes are like so hard, which makes walking painful...oh wells. I guess the only good thing there is that I don't have to spend so much money on my meals and I get to eat free chocolates! haha...some sinful addictions. HAHAHAHA! On of the bad things though is that I have to do stuff like moping the floor and cleaning, which I don't do at home. How about that?!
The exams results are out! I passed all my papers and yay! NO SUPP papers! I guess I am only sore that I didn't do as well as I expected. OH wells...just gotta work harder next semster. JIA YOU!
sighs
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
♥ 22:34
I shall blog in response to Shirin's entry. Well gal I know how tough it is to move on in life especially since you see him everyday in school. I cannot determine how long you will take to forget him or even put this whole experience behind you because me and you are totally different. You are stronger than me but I think this experience has worn you down. BE STRONG! There are so many people out there who care for you. Wallowing in self-pity won't help you, it'll on pull you down. In this trying period, there are people who are supporting you all the way. Pull yourself together!
Shirin said something in her blog that I totally agreed with. There are some phrases that we humans use too freely such as "I love you" and "I'm sorry". It's like because we use these phrases too freely, they lose their initial meaning that they were suppose to mean. I mean how often do we hear people say that the love another person just to hear that they have broken up like the very next week? There are distinctions between the feelings of love and like. Even the phrase, I'm sorry is used so freely that we don't know if people are sincere in their apology to you or not. We should really consider the meanings of such words before we use them again. Say it only when we mean it.
Work today was okay. I wasn't really in the mood to work. I guess it's the syndrome that I always get whether I'm working or studying. It's like I'm not in the mood to do anything except just to enjoy life, going out with my friends, chilling at home or even doing the things that I like to do. Why can't we just enjoy life?
But then again if we don;t go out to work or study, all of us would not be able to thrive and end up being useless beings, not able to do anyting at all! Then it woud be useless for God to even create this Earth that we live in because we won't be able to maintain it or for that matter, thrive. Oh wells, so much for wanting to be lazy.
I wanna be with you
Monday, September 12, 2005
♥ 16:50
Just as I reflect on the happenings of last week, thinking on what was shared during bible study and the many other stuff that went on, I can't help but feel more confused and tired.
On Saturday had bible study with my DG and we were talking about infactuation, lust and self-pity. I couldn't bring myself to share the truth that I might be sturggling with infactuation now. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I have for this person. Whether it's a normal liking or that I love the person. It's like yes I do think about the person so very often, feeling blue when the person is blue etc but he doesn't flood my thoughts that I forget about God or the ministry that I have chosen to serve in. What on earth can u classify my feelings into?!
It's true that girls are more prone to wallow in self-pity, for a fact that we are more emotionally dependent when we get attached to someone and tend to put in our all. When we are faced with a break-up, we often question, "why others can, I cannot have?" or "why did he ditch me? i'm not good enough for him." I have been through that phase and am still struggling with it from time to to time. It's all part in the process of growing up and determining how you would be in the near future when put in such a situation again.
The same principle can be applied in terms of studying, at work or even in our daily lives. We often wallow in self-pity when we see that people are doing better than us in school or at work. It's also when we see people having the things that we don't have, we often covet or say "I wish I had the money to buy it." Did God create humans to always face with such situations? I really have no idea but can only pray that God will pull me through the times when I wallow in self-pity.
It's a Monday and I am off from work today. I seriously don't know why I chose to work so early since I could have taken the first few days of my holidays to chill first.I guess the lure of money was too great a temptation to resist since I am in dire need for cash. I think that since I have the time to work, I shouldn't be asking my parents for money for the next two months. But there are so many things that I wanna buy like a handphone to replace my faulty one and an iPod that I have been looking at since it was launched. How much can I spend, since i want to save up to pay for my driving lessons next year? Decisions, decisions, decisions.
I've decided. I will take this holidays to earn as much money as I can and at the same time, try to accomplish as much as I can for the camp committee and Discipleship comm. Shall settle all the admin work for the ministry so that at the end of the year when I go back to school for lessons, at least there are less things to manage on hand. No more saying that there is so little time and so many things to do because now I have time on my hands. God help me not to be complacent and be fervent in setting out to do the things that I have set to do.
The exam results will be released in 2 weeks time. I am already dying with anticipation to find out how I have fared this time around. I know that the results would reflect the amount of effort I put into studying for it, but I really don't know what I will do if I have to take a supplementry paper. It was never in my intention to fail any of the exams that I took or would have to take. I want to graduate from the poly with good grades and at the end of the day, be able to apply for further education at a local university. Sighx...
Life is never easy. If God made it easy, then it wouldn't be called life anymore.
Aching Feet
Thursday, September 08, 2005
♥ 23:11
The exams are finally over! All I have to do now is just to sit anxiously waiting for the outcome of the results and I am praying very hard that I don't have to sit for any supplementry papers. Oh wells.
Started work at THOS already... my feet are killing me! I guess I am not used to standing long hours and eating miserable food. Eye candies for me to savor? YA RITE! The customers who have been coming in so far are so noooot cute! My shoes are killing my feet and the food that is provided sux! I know I shouldn't ask for much I can't help it rite...I mean at least if I eat my fill I would be able to be more productive while working. On the other hand though, working there is quite fun talking the rest who are there. They are fun people and now at least I don't have to queue up to get my pay. That saves time!
YAWNS...SHALL REST....
Screams!
Monday, September 05, 2005
♥ 22:19
AH it's the first day of the exams and I am here blogging...The paper was like hard...whether I studied or not seem like it didn't matter anymore. I had to crap my way through the paper since I didn't exactly know how to answer this particular 20mark question.
Enough about the exams. I had a dream of you last night. I dreamt that we finally mastered up our courage to face up to the feelings we have for each other. I woke up feeling happy, still feeling the warmth I felt in the dream. I really wished that it was reality. The harsh reality then set in when I watched this drama serial where the main character said that dreams were the opposite of reality. Bangs! I am really not sure what am I to expect from the current situation that we are in, because all I am getting are mixed signals from you.
Why can't guys be more decisive about how they are feeling? It would not only make their lives happier, but the other party as well. Is their ego the one deterring them from facing up to the truth, to face up to reality? Sighs...
Sleepless Nites
Thursday, September 01, 2005
♥ 23:37
Since I couldn't get to sleep thanks to my sister who is playing this super noisy CD, I decided to pen some of my thoughts. I haven't been happy lately. Too many pent up feelings that is causing so much unhappiness.
It seems like I have come to this point in my life that whenever I am faced with some unhappy situations, I choose to pretend that nothing has happened and try to move on with my life, trying to put everything behind me. I know that it's not healthy to lead my life like that, but if I don't do so, relationships would be strained and people whom I call as friends, would no longer be friends with me. These are brothers and sisters in Christ that I am talking about here. These people are the ones who have supported me and have been there for me through my darkest moments. Without them, I really don't know where would I be today.
No matter how hard I try though, it's difficult to shove everything behind compeletly. There are sore points whenever I see them but knowing me, I push everything aside and be the upbeat self they have grown used to. It's tiring to lead my life like that, but isn't this the good for everybody?
Yesterday when I went to school to submit my group assignment, I was really pissed off by my classmate. Why do people talk thinking they know everything and insult our lecturers by saying that they don't know the stuff they are teaching us? If they aren't qualified, how can they even be lecturers? Search yourself, you are the one who missed so many lectures that's why you know shit. So why not just stop missing lessons and start turning up for them and most importantly, STOP THINKING THAT YOU ARE SUPER BRILLIANT!
I really hate people who think that they are the kings of the world and put everyone down. These people have been hired to impart knowledge to us. There is so much they can do and the rest is up to us to decide if we want to learn. Having that kind of attitude towards learning would only pull you down. No wonder you chose to quit school and do your 'O' levels as a private candidate. You don't know how to relate to people because of your huge ego. People HATE that! Continue living your life in such a manner and you will realise that you will never have true friends.
As Christians, people look at us in a different light. What are you trying to show them by having such attitudes and making such sweeping statements? Non-christians who see you behaving in such a manner might be detered because they don't want to become like who they see. We play an important role when bringing people to Christ. They judge us by our actions and words. Why be a stumbling block even before they come to know the Lord? The same goes for everyone. The way we speak, dress or even go about our daily lives, becomes part of our testimony as we share our faith with those who don't know God yet. Are we lovers of the world rather than lovers of the Living God?
The same mentality is seen in church. It doesn't matter if one is in a leadership positition or not, if you are a Christian, live like one. I know that the world seems more attractive to live in, but we are to be set apart, ready for God's use, to share His love. I personally struggle with it too but this is part of the process of honing us to become better workers for His work. I have stumbled many times and would stumble even more but why feel discouraged when I know that I am to become a better person?
In same ways, I know that people do not like me for who I am but this is life. If everybody likes everybody, then this world would not have wars, conflicts between nations and maybe become such a boring place to live in. Though it was God's initial plan to see that the world is in peace, I believe that all these happen for a reason - to train us to do His will. People will question God in times of trouble. Even I do at times but ultimately, we realise the good that God has for us after going through that tough period.
Looking back at serving the Lord, I woul say that it is never easy. It is not easy to juggle ministry, school work and other activities at the same time. Through the ministry, we would meet with different kinds of people, those that will encourage you and those that threaten to pull you down. But ultimately, God is the one who sees all the effort that we put in while doing His work. Many times we feel like throwing in the tower but if we ourselves don't rise up to the challenges that we face, who would?
It's been a long traumatic period for me, countless sleepless nights trying to study and think of waht God has installed for me in my life after putting me through so much. Sometimes I wish I am richer, sometimes I wish that God didn't put me through so much and there are so many other "sometimes I wish" that I have muttered in my unhappy moments, even though I know that I should be grateful for all that I have. It's human nature but I gotta change. I want to regain the freedom I experienced as a young child, the joy that I had experienced, the beauty sleep that I once enjoyed.
