You've hurt me deeply but you just don't know. I wish to tell you the truth but you hold me back. Give me the chance to speak my mind so that you would finally know how I feel.
Everything is driving me insane. I know that there are people out there who are facing greater problems than I am but I really cannot deal with mine. I wish I could just disintegrate and blend into the soil, not facing the world again.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being me.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
♥ 19:20
The superficiality of the world has just seeped into all the friendships that I thought was once important to all of us. The trust, the sense of belonging and the love we all had for each other has vanished into thin air and i don't know what to make of it anymore.
For the first time after 3 years, I really feel so lousy about myself that all I could think of was to run away and say goodbye eternally to all of you. To those who have been telling me that I can pull through these tough times, I thank you for your faith in me. However, I am too tired to try anymore.
For those whom I thought were my closest pals, I don't know what to make up of how I am feeling about things. I just wonder are we still the people we used to be? Are we the friends that were once so close to each other that I know I can run to you whenever I am in trouble? Are we still real to each other or hiding things from each other?
To you, each day I long to talk to you on msn. Each day I hope for the time for us to actually meet up and hang out again. I know that you have someone else in mind but each time, I long to tell you how I really feel. The agony of living behind a mask is hard but I guess, if you would be happier this way and I won't lose you as a friend, I don't mind donning this mask as long as it takes.
Give me the strength, the hope and miracle in life to carry on.
♥ 00:04
This is absolutely true. I just did it.
At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.
You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.
For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
♥ 23:43
I don't know how to react whenever u tell me that you're thinking of her. I feel like each time I hear you say it, my heart further breaks into pieces. I'm trying to not let what you say affect me and I want to be able to tell you all the best with her should you ever get together. Yet, I still can't help but want to tell you that I really wanna be with you.
When one thing goes wrong, naturally it seems like one thing will go wrong one after another. Why God? Why me? Why now? This is more than I can take.
I love you and I can't deny that anymore.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
♥ 21:22
I guess what I am feeling is nothing new. I guess I am just so distant from all of you that I no longer am that important. Be it friends from school or church, it's all the same. I'm sorry that I am no longer that close to all of you because it seems like I am miles apart from all of you. I'm sorry that I am so different. I am sorry that I cannot be that friend I long to be.
Maybe it's better that I am alone. All of us have our own lives to lead anyway. I am sorry for being this way and that I am not the friend all of you want me to be.
I am sorry that I am not that leader all of you expect me to be. I am sorry that I am not a good DGL nor am I a good CORE group member. I am sorry for everything.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
♥ 12:29
It's ironic that now that I am back in school, I just can't wait for it to end. The more I go for classes and hear the impending projects that we have to do and complete, all the deadlines, they are scaring me away. Yet, I like the challenge I have ahead of me to conquer all these projects and hopefully do very well in school that I can go to uni next year.
The plans ahead for myself are so uncertain that I don't know what would become of me. Honestly, this planning for university is something that is weighing so heavily on my mind that it's starting to cause me be stressed up. With everyone asking me what I want to do after I graduate, where do I plan to further my studies and what major I want to take, I wonder how on earth I would last long enough to answer all these questions. I know that it's causing me unnecessary stress but I don't know how not to think of it anymore.
These past few days, I have been such that I don't know what is going to become of me. All I have been thinking about is running away. Running away from all the responsibilities that I have, run away from reality. Maybe I haven't had enough time to rest because after SIP I got back into the swing of things and started working.
Ministry, school, work, driving, family and friends. I wonder where on earth am I going to find so much time. I know this is a personal choice and I can choose to drop one. Sometimes I wish that I don't have to worry about finances and go ahead with some of the plans that I have. Yet, I cannot be selfish and constantly think of myself.
I shared this prayer request with my DGL telling her that I am so weary, so disheartened. I don't know if all the effort I am going to put in to school would get me anywhere. Yet, God promised in the bible that He knows the plans for us, plans to prosper and not to harm us. He will pave the way even if we cannot see it now. I am trying so hard to cling on to these promises.
Lord, I want to lay everything at Your feet. Help me. Restore me.
Monday, October 22, 2007
♥ 23:05
My life is nothing but bullocks at the moment. I cannot say what I feel nor do what I wish to do. How on earth am I suppose to continue living like that? I want to tell you every single thing. Why is it that you cannot sense that I have something to say? Are you running away like I think I am? I can't even go on a simple holiday.
Please, all I am begging is that all of you don't look to me anymore. Don't look to me to make your decisions. I cannot handle it anymore. I feel so tired struggling with so much. My words no longer can come out of my mouth, they just reside in my mind and heart.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
♥ 22:34
I Cry Westlife
You said goodbye I fell apart I fell from all we had To I never knew I needed you so bad
You need to let things go I know, you told me so I've been through hell To break the spell
Why did I ever let you slip away Can't stand another day without you Without the feeling I once knew
I cry silently I cry inside of me I cry hopelessly Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again I cry Cause you're not here with me Cause I'm lonely as can be I cry hopelessly Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again
If you could see me now You would know just how How hard I try Not to wonder why
I wish I could believe in something new Oh please somebody tell me it's not true (oh girl) I'll never be over you
Why did I ever let you slip away Can't stand another day without you Without the feeling I once knew
I cry silently I cry inside of me I cry hopelessly Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again I cry Cause you're not here with me Cause I'm lonely as can be I cry hopelessly Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again
If I could have you back tomorrow If I could lose the pain and sorrow I would do just anything To make you see, still love me
I cry silently I cry inside of me I cry hopelessly I cry silently I cry inside of me I cry hopelessly Cause you're not here with me I cry Cause I'm lonely as can be I cry hopelessly Cause I know I'll never breathe your love again
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
♥ 22:01
Hero Heroine Boys Like Girls
It's too late baby, there's no turning around I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud This is how I do When I think about you I never thought that you could break me apart I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart You want to get inside Then you can get in line But not this time
Cause you caught me off guard Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
I won't try to philosophize I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes This is how I feel And it's so surreal I got a closet filled up to the brim With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons And I don't know why You'd even try But I won't lie
Hero / Heroine Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com You caught me off guard Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?
And I feel a weakness coming on Never felt so good to be so wrong Had my heart on lockdown And then you turned me around I'm feeling like a new born child Every time I get a chance to see you smile It's not complicated I was so jaded
And you caught me off guard Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?
(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine) And I feel a weakness coming on Never felt so good to be so wrong Had my heart on lockdown And then you turned me around (Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?) I'm feeling like a new born child Every time I get a chance to see you smile It's not complicated I was so jaded
(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine) And I feel a weakness coming on Never felt so good to be so wrong Had my heart on lockdown And then you turned me around (Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?) I'm feeling like a new born child Every time I get a chance to see you smile It's not complicated I was so jaded
♥ 00:49
honestly, can i just tell you how much i want you to know how i feel?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
♥ 20:47
When you feel like the world is crashing down on your shoulders, when you feel like you have no more steam to deal with all the shit, somehow you find the inner strength to carry on living. I must say that the past week have been difficult to deal with but I'm surviving.
Much as my heart and my head is telling me the same thing to come clean with how I am feeling I can't help but keep thinking of the party on the receiving end and how I would be adding pressure. Honestly, I don't want that to happen but the silence is killing me. I need to move on.
I need to pray that I will get better.
School is starting next week and I haven't gotten my timetable which is so annoying. I want it now so that I can plan my life for the next few months. I don't care that it's my last semester but I have so many things to think about now. My next step, getting things done before I graduate and just piecing everything together. Honestly, stop just stop asking me to cast aside my plans. I have my own life. Let me deal with it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
♥ 23:59
Today, I felt like my heart has been torn out. I have no idea why but yes, the pain is getting harder to bear each day. I keep trying so hard to take it that nothing has happened, to not add to your problems. At this moment, I wish I have a heart of stone.
♥ 00:27
I think I deserve an Oscar. I'm concealing everything well enough not for you to realise that it's you that has caused me to be heartbroken.
Monday, October 08, 2007
♥ 09:50
"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She takes you in with your crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Baby won't you get them if i did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part
♥ 08:43
I can only imagine and kick myself for all the things I did not do. I've been trying to search for the right words to say to him, to tell him how I feel. It may all be too late but can't it not be a form of therapy to finally get it out of my system and try to work from there?
It's time I wonder if my convictions are right, holding back, not giving too much information and wait for things to happen. Should I have followed what the world says that it's the 21st century and make the first move? Fight for what you want. That's what the world says. It says that if you want to be love, you fight to be loved. You go tell the person in the face that you love him. Then there is the Christian perspective of things.
Da ge always remind me that as a firl, I should never ever make the first move. My friends and I feel the same way because if I do make the first move, would it not mean that I would be losing something so precious. Yes, I know that it's conservative of us to think this way but I think that what we believe in holds so much conviction.
As I count my loses, I wonder how long more would I have to endure of this. I always thought that something good would have happened between us. I always thought that by giving each other the space and time needed, we would be mature about it. However, when you chose to drop that bombshell last night, all I could hear was the sound of my heart breaking into the pieces that was all so familiar. What was once held together had decided to drop and up to me to piece it again.
I don't look for another person to help me mend this heart. All I want to do is for me to be able to tell you what I really feel and somehow wish for something good to come out of it. People out there may be saying that I am stupid. Stupid for wanting to set the record straight. Stupid for maybe wanting to do something that will salvage a situation.
I just want you to know that you don't know how much you mean to me. Even though we were never together, the feelings I have I don't deny. I just wish we had that chance, to know that even something good could have happened at least for once after all these while.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
♥ 00:03
I suddenly feel I don't matter anymore. Maybe I'm just better off invisible, then hopefully you will start taking notice of me.
Friday, October 05, 2007
♥ 19:41
What is the definition of a friend? Someone that gives in to the whims and fancies of their "friends" when it happens? Someone that offers that ear and shoulder whenever needed? Someone that allows oneself to be beaten when the other party is hurt/angry?Someone that tolerates all sorts of nonsense and puts the friends before oneself? What is the true definition of a friend?
I honour friendships that are truthful, where there are no lies between them. This doesn't mean that we tell each other everything but it just means that we are our true selves and not live behind a persona. A friend is someone who cares - doesn't have to say anything but just be there when a friend is needed. A friend is someone who speaks the truth, to help build the person up in love and doesn't use words to bring the other person down. A friend is someone who sometimes have their own tolerance level toward things and might just flare up but the other party still cares and doesn't pick a fight.
That is my definition of a friendship. Sometimes words don't have to be exchanged to make another person feel better, the presence is all that is needed. Sometimes, we just need to think about the other person and how the person is feeling before saying things without thinking.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
♥ 22:27
IT"S OVER! I'm probably late in saying this because SIP ended about 5 days ago. Been kept busy going out and gyming. I feel good working out! Anyway a friend sent me this vid from youtube. Check it out and let me know what you think about it.
