Uncertain of myself
Sunday, August 21, 2005
♥ 22:56
I am facing a lot of uncertainties for many questions about my life is surfacing right before my eyes and I am unsure of myself. What am I here for? What have I been doing all these while? Why is God putting so many obstacles in my life time and time again? So many questions yet the answers are so difficult to find.
As far as I know, God created me for a purpose and that purpose is to go out there and share His word to the unsaved. But along the way as I try to fulfil His ultimate purpose for me and I go around serving in YZ in different areas, there are so many obstacles that I face which causes me to feel at times, emotional, mentally and physically drained. I feel like I am always racing against my 24 hours that God has given to me. Dealing with people was never easy because we have our own set of personal beliefs and convictions, therefore leading people to have disagreements. No matter how one party tries to step back and let the other party have his way, there will be someone that will push the truth out of you. One good example would be during today's camp comm meeting where I was made to share with everybody about my unhappiness regarding someone's role in the comm. It is not easy to come clean with how you are feeling and all because it will offend someone when that was never your intention. But I guess it's all part of the learning experience.
All these things about love sometimes can really drive one to their moments of despair, where they start to question why they are feeling this way. I never knew the pain of a heartbreak could be so unbearable till I experienced it for myself and took a long time to heal from the emotional hurt. No matter how long or how hard it is, the past relationship is somehow etched in your mind in some corner and there will be times where these memories will surface. When this happens, I always ask myself why can't I completely forget this person and why still think about the past when I should be moving on. But moving on was never easy either. The emotional wound is still so raw even though you think that you are ready for another relationship. The fear of being rejected again is so great that sometimes it deters someone from jumping into another relationship.
Yet there are times when you feel that the person that God has given you is the "Right One", your own gut tells you that he will not reciprocate your feelings, it can be quite despairing. Many times when you think that you have found your right one, he may be the one that shatters your heart into millons of pieces. There will also be times when the feelings for this person grows so deep that you know how hurt you will be when you finally learn the truth that he may not have the same feelings for you. Why do God let such things happen in our lives? Is this suppose to be part of our growing process too?
Coming from me, I may sound like a hypocrite but I have been through the joy and the pains of being in love. The break-up wore me out and in the end, tore me into shreds that it took me so long to heal. But through the process of healing, my convictions about relationships change and I learn to deal with my emotions. I've too mastered the courage to face up to the feelings that I have been having for the past three years.
It is not easy being in a situation where you want to be clean with someone about how you feel about the person especially when your gut is telling you that the answer would not be something you want to hear. One feels like you are in so much turmoil. However, you think since this feelings have been with you for three long years and it's time that you finally face up to them, taking it as a sign from God, shouldn't you have the courage to tell the person how you feel no matter what the consequence is? It's confusing and tormenting to even think about it but is that not the right thing to do?
I'm confused...in pain...in turmoil...All I can ask is that God give me the wisdom to do the things that I am supposed to do.
