I wanna be with you
Monday, September 12, 2005
♥ 16:50
Just as I reflect on the happenings of last week, thinking on what was shared during bible study and the many other stuff that went on, I can't help but feel more confused and tired.
On Saturday had bible study with my DG and we were talking about infactuation, lust and self-pity. I couldn't bring myself to share the truth that I might be sturggling with infactuation now. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I have for this person. Whether it's a normal liking or that I love the person. It's like yes I do think about the person so very often, feeling blue when the person is blue etc but he doesn't flood my thoughts that I forget about God or the ministry that I have chosen to serve in. What on earth can u classify my feelings into?!
It's true that girls are more prone to wallow in self-pity, for a fact that we are more emotionally dependent when we get attached to someone and tend to put in our all. When we are faced with a break-up, we often question, "why others can, I cannot have?" or "why did he ditch me? i'm not good enough for him." I have been through that phase and am still struggling with it from time to to time. It's all part in the process of growing up and determining how you would be in the near future when put in such a situation again.
The same principle can be applied in terms of studying, at work or even in our daily lives. We often wallow in self-pity when we see that people are doing better than us in school or at work. It's also when we see people having the things that we don't have, we often covet or say "I wish I had the money to buy it." Did God create humans to always face with such situations? I really have no idea but can only pray that God will pull me through the times when I wallow in self-pity.
It's a Monday and I am off from work today. I seriously don't know why I chose to work so early since I could have taken the first few days of my holidays to chill first.I guess the lure of money was too great a temptation to resist since I am in dire need for cash. I think that since I have the time to work, I shouldn't be asking my parents for money for the next two months. But there are so many things that I wanna buy like a handphone to replace my faulty one and an iPod that I have been looking at since it was launched. How much can I spend, since i want to save up to pay for my driving lessons next year? Decisions, decisions, decisions.
I've decided. I will take this holidays to earn as much money as I can and at the same time, try to accomplish as much as I can for the camp committee and Discipleship comm. Shall settle all the admin work for the ministry so that at the end of the year when I go back to school for lessons, at least there are less things to manage on hand. No more saying that there is so little time and so many things to do because now I have time on my hands. God help me not to be complacent and be fervent in setting out to do the things that I have set to do.
The exam results will be released in 2 weeks time. I am already dying with anticipation to find out how I have fared this time around. I know that the results would reflect the amount of effort I put into studying for it, but I really don't know what I will do if I have to take a supplementry paper. It was never in my intention to fail any of the exams that I took or would have to take. I want to graduate from the poly with good grades and at the end of the day, be able to apply for further education at a local university. Sighx...
Life is never easy. If God made it easy, then it wouldn't be called life anymore.
