I am pissed off!!! Seriously pissed off! I have had enough with this person! Must she sit next to one particular person every single week and make me feel left out????????? I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean why can't she compromise and sit somewhere else rather than make me feel left out?

I think as I get older, more responsibilities would come my way. In time to come, I will worry if I will be able to find a good job, get a good pay, be able to support my parents and even will I ever find a guy that I will eventually get married to. So many things but I'm not the only one who has to go through all these, everyone has to go through it themselves.

As datelines draw closer, I just wonder how much longer I can hold on. It's frightening to know that days are passing by so quickly that in a blink of an eye, I am going to embark on the second year of study in TP. Seriously, I don't know what is going to come my way as I continue to place my studies as my second priority. Questions perpetually run through my mind about my future, whether I will be able to get a scholarship to further my studies or do I have to put this plan on hold and look for a stable job first. I am not sure. Sometimes it's easy for me to say that I will do what the Lord wants me to do, but I struggle with myself if I have obedience to listen and follow God's direction.

I am at this point where everything is not interesting to me anymore. It's like life is so boring because of the mundane routines that we have in our lives. We eat, sleep, go to school/work, hang out at the same places. How interesting can that be? People may say that it's the company that matters and not the place, but how often do we hang out with different people other than those that we are comfortable with? How many of us are able to make such a statment? Yes I know that there are people out there who can but it's only a small percentage.

The wonders of technology would most probably kill my boredom, inject some life into my lifestyle. SMSes, MSN, e-mail and blogs, these are just the things that I do when I really have nothing to do. Yet, when we have to cut down on the usage of our mobile phones due to the unhappiness of our parents, I feel so cut off from my friends lives. Why you might ask? This is because it's a habit to hear from them so ever daily when we used to sms late into the night till one of us falls asleep. My companion into the long and endless nights when I feel all upset and just need someone to shower me with the attention that I long for. To put it simply, I miss you.

I'm sitting down here just feeling like crap. Embracing feelings that I shouldn't be, thinking of someone that shouldn't exist in my memory or longing. Seriously I don't know how long more I can handle this but I don't want to repeat the same mistakes that I did 2 years ago.

Anyway, life has just been a pain since the last time I blogged. I really have no idea how things got this bad till I feel like I'm having a breakdown. Datelines to meet, church stuff to handle, so many commitments...I just feel like throwing in the towel and have a break.

Oh GOD!!! Why do I have this nagging feeling of longing within me??? I seem to be missing someone so much when I'm not suppose to. I just saw him today but not hearing from him just feels weird. Haix.

Today was a really wet day. It's been raining since I woke up this morning and hasn't stopped since. I must say that this was a really bad day because I feel terrible!

I came to realise that whenever I lead worship for the first worship of YZ, something is bound to happen to me. Last year, I came down with food poisoning and this year, I came down with a terrible gastric. Up till now, the pain is still here. IT'S TERRIBLE. Gastrics have never felt so bad before but I really have no idea why it's so painful this time. Haix...

I am frustrated. Frustrations from serving God. This shouldn't be the case but when it happens, I can only pray that God will take this frustration away from me. I never like it when people doubt my decisions especially if I had already gone through the adults and know where I am coming from. It may seem selfish of me to keep using the word 'I' but seriously as a committee when one is upset, the others must always ponder why. When one is a committee, I believe that they should work together and mostly importantly, if there is a decision to be made with regards to the entire youth group, they should speak to us and see what we have to say. I don't know what is the rationale for them to do this but as a leader in the youth group, I feel obligated to partcipate. I really have no idea what God wants me to do with regards to the training project but I guess whatever it is, I have to ask myself what God really wants.

Haix. I don't know. I am at this point where the frustration is overwhelming that I had a breakdown last night. This afternoon it happened as well and I don't know how long more can I tahan. Oh wells.

The alarm bells are ringing in my head. LIKE SERIOUSLY RINGING! All i can think of doing now is just to pray and ask the Lord what am I to do. I had this terrible feeling of loneliness on my way back from church just now. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the bus, which is the longer but cheaper way home. But anyway, a sudden feeling just struck me and it is alarming because I shouldn't be feeling like this. OH CRAP!

So anyway. I had to wear formally to school today and well being a Friday, I decided to just wear a t-shirt with a jacket to school. Lecture was BORING! I mean to go to school early on a Friday morning and to sit through such a boring lecture, it was absolutely tormenting. The fact that that person was in school but not in lecture didn't make it any better because I was wondering if he was doing ok. So back to school, it was rather fun during Per comm tutorial. We had to comment on people's dressing so it kinda took my mind off stuff for a while.

Ahahahaha...that sotong Huiling! She contracted chicken pox from her boyfriend and she still thought that she had pimple outbreak. That silly girl. So anyway now that she is out of action, I really wonder what my group is going to do for our photography assignment. We are absolutely DEAD! I mean the dateline even though it's in February, but time is flying by us soooooo quickly! PANIC MOOD!!! That aside, I believe that we will be able to come up with something. But for sure, please do not ask me and 52623 to be the models for our love story concept.

Went to church later in the evening for band prac. Met 52623 for dinner prior to band prac. We were rather efficient! We finished practising at like 8.30 when we started about 7.20. That is such an achievement! I mean God must have been in our midst to keep us focus on the practice even though we were abit cranky at times.

That's all folks.

The word lonely is not new to me. I know that it is not right for me to feel lonely because there is a God that is always there with me. Sometimes I can't help it but feel this way though. Even though there may be people who are always around me, the feeling of loneliness creeps silently into my life. This is quite bad right?

I can't help but think of this certain person but it's definitely not 52623. This is quite worrying thinking that I am not very close to this person. Maybe I am just so used to having him being around me so much that now when he is not around, I feel weird. OH NO!! This can't be happening! I really mean this cannot happen! NO NO NO!!!! Haix....ok I really shan't think so much anymore. No MORE!!!!!! Be it 52623 or even this person. NO MORE!!!!! No more mistakes in my life from this year. I don't want to be dumb and get myself all muddled up all the time anymore.

I just realise how time is zooming past me. It seems like the dateline for all the assignments are coming up real early and gosh! There is still so much to do! I really don't know how we are all going to cope but I guess we will. I want to do well this semester and get a better GPA so that at least I can account to my parents that inspite of all the activities that I was busy with, I am still doing ok in school

Sometimes I can't fanthom why some people have all the luck in the world to find someone that loves them so much. It feels like with all that I have learnt from bible study, I am finding it very difficult to apply these principles. Haix. I don't know what I want anymore. My mind is in a whirl.

Went back to school today for lessons. Wasn't really in the mood because I was really tired from the lack of sleep last night. Shirin and I just talked and talked on the phone till we forgot completely about the time and well as they say, the rest is history. So anyway, I went back to receive my journalism test results and to collect my first photography assignment.

I didn't do as well as I had planned to for my photography but well I must say that it's a good first attempt, thinking that I have never done photography before. I got like an A but two B+'s so I guess I should be contented. OMG! I actually passed my journalism with a B! I didn't really study for it. I must really thank God for His blessings! =)

Well I went out after school to meet Chuan Yao for lunch. So sad! This brother is already flying back to the US even though he just came back like not too long ago. Well we had a great time just chilling and talking. Went to buy Yien's birthday present. Bought her this fossil wallet that she has been eyeing on for a really long time. Good thing we managed to get the last piece before it was too late! *Phew*

Anyway I didn't really feel good in school today. I didn't feel very welcome by my group of friends that I usually hang out with. This must be due to the fact that I didn't really hang out with them that much when I was really busy with the camp and musical last year. I hope things get better as time goes by.

OMG IT"S ALREADY 2006!!!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR! Okay so this greeting is a lil late due to unforseen circumstances that my modem for the internet decided to conk out. So well HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THOSE WHO ARE READING MY BLOG!

Anyway it was a great way to end the year when I received my really special christmas cum birthday present from Brother Xiong Hai! It was a really pleasant surprise when he gave me the $100 Crumpler Voucher. In which I bought this really nice orange crumpler to bring to schooL! *smiling gleefully* Besides the present, I was really glad to spend New Year's Eve in church with my friends. It's been so long since we celebrated some big event together already. So ya. Thanks for making the last day of 2005 so memorable for me!

Even though I didn't go to any count down parties and count down on the phone together with Shirin, it was still quite a nice experience because I was watching the fireworks from Marina Bay in the comfort of my bedroom. It would have been nice to watch it together with 52623 but oh wells. So that was all for New Year's eve.

Went to church bright and early in the morning yesterday and it seemed like everyone was still really high. En and gang brought some spray and started spraying all the youths. Haha.. quite a nice sight if you ask me. Went out to town after that with Serene, Charles, Wuch, Rayner, Kyna, Max and Rachel. A really unusual group for me to hang out with since I always hang out with the usual seven in my clique. A rather eye-opening experience. So anyway that was when I bought my crumpler. Haha... Still quite high about it! haha...

Well tomorrow all of us will be back in school. Quite sad because it seems like I haven't had enough fun yet. Shall endure for another 6 weeks before my next hols!