I have come to a sad realisation about my life as I travelled home on my own today. I am lonely, I have trouble in my relationship with God and I think I have a problem with myself.

One thing that is really bothering my would be my relationship with God. It has its high and low points but one thing that shocks me most is that it has more low points than high points. Maybe because I am too domineering in making my decisions that I cut out God's still small voice. I fail to be still before the Lord. I don't want to make the excuse that it's because of the society that I am in where all the pressures in life cloud my head that's why it's hard for me to be still before God. I definitely need to spend some time with God and find that He is real in my life again. I don't want to continue to sit on the throne that is suppose to belong to Him.

Lonely. Sigh I suppose this issue has been around for a pretty long time already. I hate it so much that when I am on my own I get so bothered by all the couples that are around me. It's not like they did anything to offend me but I suppose because I long for companionship that's why it affects me so much. This is truly one obstacle in my life that I must overcome. I am so afraid that this longing in me will sallow me up one day that I don't care which guy I meet, I just go into a relationship with him and obviously that is the last thing that I will want to do. Easy to say but hard to do.

If I continue to go on and on about the flaws I see in myself, I think I will just become more depressed. Like just now, I tried praying and when I realised that I didn't know what to say to God, I just broke down and cried. I mean I can't even do the simplest of things such as praying?! Maybe some of you will say that I put too much pressure on myself or wallowing in self pity but I suppose this is just some of the struggles that I go through. I don't expect people to sympathise with me or constantly try to come and keep me company so that I won't feel lonely. It has never been my intention in the first place.

This is just part of the growing up process I hope. I wanna have the self-confidence that I always long to possess and not be a worry-wart. I don't wanna struggle with my inner-self anymore. All I want is to be at peace with God.