Sometimes you figure that you know how you are feeling exactly and then WHAM! someone comes up to you and questions you to make sure that you know how you are feeling and what you want/ Then there are times when you wallow in self-pity about not being able to get a date (either with a guy or a girl) and you realise that they are not everything when you realise that if you want to go out, there are still those reliable girlfriends.

Then there are times when you just want to run as far as possible to be alone because you are just so confused or because you feel so cheated. Yet, something stops you in your tracks. But do you know what stops you? Not sure right? I totally know how that feels. I don't know what stops me in my tracks when I feel like running away. I don't know how I feel exactly when it comes to situations when I think I know how I feel.

Seriously speaking, through the past 2 years, I have been searching for the real me. Yes, I know that I have an identity with Christ but you know, sometimes that is not enough to get through life. And in the course of me trying to find myself, I have made very, no rather exteremely stupid decisions that I figure, I would have to carry the emotional baggage with me until the day I find myself be able to forgive me. No it's not that I haven't forgiven the other person invovled, I have, because it's not entirely his fault that thing happened.

Then I figure, what is it that God wants from me? What if my plans are not His plans? What if what I want is not what I want? Over the course of the last two days, I have been talking to this friend of mine who in my humble opinion been through a lot, knowing how exactly I am feeling now. It's good that I talk to him, for sometimes I fear bearing my entire soul to someone close to me will impose judgement upon me. I fear that people close to me will soon come down so hard on me that, I lose all of them.

What have I been doing for the last 12 hours? Watching grey's anatomy and sleeping. I fell asleep in front my laptop last night when I was waiting to wake my sister up at 3.30 to get her to study. I"M STILL TIRED. I hope she appreciates this because I was really exhuasted last night after dance. Actually I hope my parents appreciate it. I don't know la. I don't want them to think that all I do is nag as my sister or hate her. I don't, just that we don't see eye to eye and to tell you the truth, things might be better if I have my private space = my own room. I feel that my privacy has been invaded all the time.

Sighs I don't know la. Finding myself is exhausting enough.