I woke up this morning full of optimisim as I looked forward to going to school. Yet when I left school this afternoon, I felt like crap and all I wanted to do was to crawl under my sheets or head to a place where I could find solace. I didn't feel like wanting to be anywhere anymore. No more church, no more SIP, no more school. I simply didn't see the meaning of everything.

I wake up every morning asking God why am I still alive here today. I ask God why do I have to endure everything. Like all the shit at work, why I choose to allow myself to burn my weekends away, why am I even being pushed around.

If you were to ask me what is the one thing that is really bothering me now, it would be that I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. For the past week, I have been compared to the previous intern that they had. Every single day, I hear her name being mentioned in my face. I don't need to know how shitty I probably am as compared to her. Please I beg you, look at me and what I've done. Don't compare. She's her and I am me. I cannot be like her.

Why is it that I am not good enough for everyone? It's hard trying to please everyone. As I watched 200 pounds Beauty over dinner today, she said this line that is stuck with me. She tried her best to fit into society by being beautiful but in the process, she lost her friends, her family and even herself. I am starting to feel like that. I really don't know who I am. What am I going to evolve to as I try to match up to everyone and try to prove my worth. I am not perfect. I will never be the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect pastor's daughter.

I am tired. I am weary. I feel beaten.