The past few days haven't been the best of days. I cannot fully comprehend what has happened in my life a week ago. I cannot understand why God chooses the most awkward of times to let bad shit happen. I don't know why I feel like I'm treading a path that doesn't allow me to bring someone with me. I just feel alone.

Maybe in my subconscious I do know what is bothering me, maybe I don't. Maybe I choose not to admit to the reality of the situation post before me, choosing the path of blind ignorance instead. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yet, how true can that statement be when I feel so tormented inside. I wish I can explain this nagging pain, anguish and listlessness, but I cannot.

What am I hoping for? What do I want to achieve? Who is it that is bothering the crap out of me? Will that idiot ever be punished for changing the lives of my family forever? Will he ever be brought to justice and pay us back for ever single shit that he has caused us to go through?

Many of you would think that I should be rejoicing that I am even alive. I was until I started going on this downhill journey of not knowing what is really bothering me. These past few months have been so overwhelming with emotional turmoil that I thought I would be left void and numb. I was wrong.

In the deepest of the crevices of my heart, I sincerely not sure what am I hoping for. My genuine outlook of life just tells me, maybe it would have been better for me to have gone up to heaven on that day. I should be cherishing every single moment that I have now - the breath of life that was so freely given to me when it could have been taken away. Yet, my heartache is driving me insane. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS CAUSING ME TO FALL SO DOWN AND DEEP AGAIN?

Going back to school today was different. We have all grown so apart from each other except for those who actually work together in the same company or made travel plans together. I am standing even further away as compared to the times that we had spent in school. I just learn to keep silent and believe that I'm not an outsider.

If you can actually jump into my head and tell me what am I thinking, who I really am, I would gladly appreciate you doing that. The torment and pain is simply excruciating.