Sleepless Nites
Thursday, September 01, 2005
♥ 23:37
Since I couldn't get to sleep thanks to my sister who is playing this super noisy CD, I decided to pen some of my thoughts. I haven't been happy lately. Too many pent up feelings that is causing so much unhappiness.
It seems like I have come to this point in my life that whenever I am faced with some unhappy situations, I choose to pretend that nothing has happened and try to move on with my life, trying to put everything behind me. I know that it's not healthy to lead my life like that, but if I don't do so, relationships would be strained and people whom I call as friends, would no longer be friends with me. These are brothers and sisters in Christ that I am talking about here. These people are the ones who have supported me and have been there for me through my darkest moments. Without them, I really don't know where would I be today.
No matter how hard I try though, it's difficult to shove everything behind compeletly. There are sore points whenever I see them but knowing me, I push everything aside and be the upbeat self they have grown used to. It's tiring to lead my life like that, but isn't this the good for everybody?
Yesterday when I went to school to submit my group assignment, I was really pissed off by my classmate. Why do people talk thinking they know everything and insult our lecturers by saying that they don't know the stuff they are teaching us? If they aren't qualified, how can they even be lecturers? Search yourself, you are the one who missed so many lectures that's why you know shit. So why not just stop missing lessons and start turning up for them and most importantly, STOP THINKING THAT YOU ARE SUPER BRILLIANT!
I really hate people who think that they are the kings of the world and put everyone down. These people have been hired to impart knowledge to us. There is so much they can do and the rest is up to us to decide if we want to learn. Having that kind of attitude towards learning would only pull you down. No wonder you chose to quit school and do your 'O' levels as a private candidate. You don't know how to relate to people because of your huge ego. People HATE that! Continue living your life in such a manner and you will realise that you will never have true friends.
As Christians, people look at us in a different light. What are you trying to show them by having such attitudes and making such sweeping statements? Non-christians who see you behaving in such a manner might be detered because they don't want to become like who they see. We play an important role when bringing people to Christ. They judge us by our actions and words. Why be a stumbling block even before they come to know the Lord? The same goes for everyone. The way we speak, dress or even go about our daily lives, becomes part of our testimony as we share our faith with those who don't know God yet. Are we lovers of the world rather than lovers of the Living God?
The same mentality is seen in church. It doesn't matter if one is in a leadership positition or not, if you are a Christian, live like one. I know that the world seems more attractive to live in, but we are to be set apart, ready for God's use, to share His love. I personally struggle with it too but this is part of the process of honing us to become better workers for His work. I have stumbled many times and would stumble even more but why feel discouraged when I know that I am to become a better person?
In same ways, I know that people do not like me for who I am but this is life. If everybody likes everybody, then this world would not have wars, conflicts between nations and maybe become such a boring place to live in. Though it was God's initial plan to see that the world is in peace, I believe that all these happen for a reason - to train us to do His will. People will question God in times of trouble. Even I do at times but ultimately, we realise the good that God has for us after going through that tough period.
Looking back at serving the Lord, I woul say that it is never easy. It is not easy to juggle ministry, school work and other activities at the same time. Through the ministry, we would meet with different kinds of people, those that will encourage you and those that threaten to pull you down. But ultimately, God is the one who sees all the effort that we put in while doing His work. Many times we feel like throwing in the tower but if we ourselves don't rise up to the challenges that we face, who would?
It's been a long traumatic period for me, countless sleepless nights trying to study and think of waht God has installed for me in my life after putting me through so much. Sometimes I wish I am richer, sometimes I wish that God didn't put me through so much and there are so many other "sometimes I wish" that I have muttered in my unhappy moments, even though I know that I should be grateful for all that I have. It's human nature but I gotta change. I want to regain the freedom I experienced as a young child, the joy that I had experienced, the beauty sleep that I once enjoyed.
