I can only imagine and kick myself for all the things I did not do. I've been trying to search for the right words to say to him, to tell him how I feel. It may all be too late but can't it not be a form of therapy to finally get it out of my system and try to work from there?

It's time I wonder if my convictions are right, holding back, not giving too much information and wait for things to happen. Should I have followed what the world says that it's the 21st century and make the first move? Fight for what you want. That's what the world says. It says that if you want to be love, you fight to be loved. You go tell the person in the face that you love him. Then there is the Christian perspective of things.

Da ge always remind me that as a firl, I should never ever make the first move. My friends and I feel the same way because if I do make the first move, would it not mean that I would be losing something so precious. Yes, I know that it's conservative of us to think this way but I think that what we believe in holds so much conviction.

As I count my loses, I wonder how long more would I have to endure of this. I always thought that something good would have happened between us. I always thought that by giving each other the space and time needed, we would be mature about it. However, when you chose to drop that bombshell last night, all I could hear was the sound of my heart breaking into the pieces that was all so familiar. What was once held together had decided to drop and up to me to piece it again.

I don't look for another person to help me mend this heart. All I want to do is for me to be able to tell you what I really feel and somehow wish for something good to come out of it. People out there may be saying that I am stupid. Stupid for wanting to set the record straight. Stupid for maybe wanting to do something that will salvage a situation.

I just want you to know that you don't know how much you mean to me. Even though we were never together, the feelings I have I don't deny. I just wish we had that chance, to know that even something good could have happened at least for once after all these while.